How do you feel when you see an obviously adopted child?

Question

I went to the store with my daughter this afternoon.

I saw two Asian girls with their white mother. I always have a flurry of feelings--how do you feel?

Answer 1

When my adoptee-dar goes off, i quiver, and think of a couple four letter words and remember how I was there once. A little adopted girl, being told how grateful and lucky I should be and feel.

pffft.

I'll never forget this little Chinese girl behind me in line fascinated with how much my children looked like me, and then I read her shirt... "Made in China assembled in USA"

When her father walked up I could have smacked him for exploiting his child like that. He's lucky there were kids around or I wouldn't have been smiling.

Answer 2

Just glad I see a happy family. I see so many integrated family's that I the thought that they are adopted doesn't enter my mind. You are only seeing one parent. Can't just assume anything.

Answer 3

Obvious how? Has it occured to you that the different race kids might be kids that are being looked after or something? how come adoption has to come in it?

So what if they are. Do you go looking for other adoptees around shops or something?

Big deal. I dont care if I see other adopted people. They are human beings, with families who love them. and your point is?...........

Answer 4

Just how do you pick out an "obviously adopted child."

I really want to know. I have never seen one.

I have 5 children, 4 of them blue eyed and pretty fair complected, one daughter who has brown eyes and olive complected, do you think people think she is adopted?

What a judgmental statement.

Answer 5

This actually happened to me on Saturday (although the kid kind of looked like the father). I assumed that the child was adopted. I didn't ask directly. Nevertheless, I asked about other kids and eventually the mother told me that he was adopted. I was so thankful to her for sharing because I am very interested in adoption. I think those people who adopt babies of different races are wonderful. They see no color. They only see love. This little boy was mixed (black and hispanic) and his parents were white . . . wonderful people! So, with that said, I do notice. It is impossible not to. Look at Brad and Angolina - you HAVE to notice. But, it is heartwarming. I totally understand your question . . . ignore the ignorance. Have a great day!

Answer 6

I probably would not even assume they were adopted just because the mother is white. You can not always tell that someone is Multiracial, so unless Mom and Dad were both there. Just ask parents/family of mixed raced kids how many times someone mistakes their biochild/relative for being adopted.

For the benefit of the doubt if I knew for fact they were adopted, I wouldn’t really think anything; probably make comment to myself that the children are cute.

Answer 7

Firstly what makes your automatically think that those two girls were adopted?  Did you see this ladies husband? Maybe he was Asian.   My son in interracial and I was and still am after 8 years asked if he is adopted  because I am extremely white while he is a beautiful caramel colour, his dad is African.

But to the point.... seeing adopted children makes me think how wonderful it would be to know that your parents picked you personally to have as their child.  It shows how selfless these parents are to choose a child that isn't of their race, alot of people want to adopt children that look like them so they can pass them off as biological or so they don't have to go about explaining to strangers that their children are adopted.

Answer 8

Wow! Some people are so quick to judge!

I don't think Sunny was asking this because she is *against* interracial adoption. I think she was just asking a question because she is curious as an adoptee. Please correct me and accept my apology if I'm wrong, Sunny.

As an adoptive parent, I often want to ask the parents if their children were adopted and how the process went, etc. Just as a bonding thing between people who went through something similar. I don't ever ask though because I think it's rude. It could very well be that the child's other parent is of a different race than the mother and the children look more like the absent parent. Besides, I would be annoyed if some stranger just walked up to me and asked a very personal question such as, "Was your son adopted?" I feel a flurry of emotions too  -- most of them happy and warm.

Answer 9

First of all maybe their father is the mother's Asian husband. My sister has a newborn son with an Asian father...so don't jump too quickly to believe that they were adopted.

But if I know a child is adopted that is different. I feel good about the family because they took in a child with out parents and are loving that child as their own. You know that the parents were checked out well and that they are usually fit as parents....so basically I get a warm feeling toward the entire situation!

Answer 10

I'm glad they have family.  I also have noticed, though, a lot of Websites and blogs lately where trans-racial adoptees talk about the issues, good and bad, that go with it.  So, I always hope that the kids will have all the support they need to deal with any of these issues that may arise.  I think trying to be completely blind to race, so to speak, breeds its own type of racism.  What I mean is that not seeing the racial difference (e.g. trying to pretend it doesn't exist) can end up discounting what the adopted person may be feeling.

Answer 11

If I knew for a fact they children were actually adopted I would feel happy.

There is a valid point that if you adopt a child of another culture you must be educated!  I have two beautiful African American daughters.  We consider ourselves an African American Family, meaning this heritage is now a part of our whole family and we are obligated to teach and educate all of our children about our heritage.  True as Caucasians we will never truly feel the full affect of being African American but will stand behind our children 100 percent.  We celebrate Kwanzaa, Martin Luther King Jr., Black History month, Juneteenth, and Africanfest.  We embrace the diversity in our community and have made wonderful close African American friends who are awesome role models for our children.

It was my obligation to know how to braid my daughter's hair.  Yes, it took lots of practice and its alot of work but that is what i took on when i decided to adopt my daughters.  I have seen children with matted hair and it drives me crazy!  I wouldn't let my child leave the house like that. It screams poor parenting to me.

As for the confederate flag thing, Ugh!  Why don't people get that it is so racist?  I swear I want to rear end a car when i see a confederate bumper sticker!  In a perfect world love would be enough but in reality its not.  You have to be educated and be in love with the heritage of your children.

Answer 12

wow, racist much? first of all, i would feel jealous that she gets to know the joy of mother hood whereas i've been ttc for 16 months.

second of all, how do you know that the girls' father isn't asian? hello? there's no way you can be sure that they are adopted. even if the childs' male parent is not asian, who's to say the woman didn't get knocked up by someone who was?

Gees, aren't there bigger things to worry about than whether or not a person giving children a good home is the same race as them?

Answer 13

I think as adoptees, we may jump to the conclusion that the children are adopted when it may very well be that the children's other parent is Asian.  

Not necessarily 'racist', as some have suggested.  We all, as humans, sometimes view the world through our own personal lens, which, after all, is based on OUR life experiences.  

I don't know exactly how I'd feel. It really depends on the interaction between the children and the parent. When I see a loving mom, attentive to her kids, and kids that are obviously happy, I feel a somewhat 'bitter-sweet' emotion. Don't know how else to describe it.

This is because of MY own life experience. I didn't have a loving mother figure.  So whenever I see a loving mother-child relationship, there's a bit of sadness. I am reminded of the lack of that experience with my own adopted mother.  And I feel happy for the kids who share a loving relationship with their mom (whether adopted or not, actually).

Conversely, when I see a distant relationship, I'm saddened and a bit angry for the child, knowing all to well how painful that feels.  Again, looking through the lens of my own experience.  

As a CASA, I visit weekly with a child in foster care. She & her siblings were very neglected & suffered some abuse as well. She's a great kid, period.  Bet even more so when you know all she's been through. She deserves a permanent home, a family & loving parents. Nothing can ever replace all she's lost.  But hopefully, she can have a "better life" (in this case, the term is appropriate) than she's had so far.  And somehow learn there is a better way.

ETA: I was also chosen...my a.mom told me so. Only recenlty I realized just what I'd been "chosen" for. To be the scapegoat for the family's problems & the brunt of my a.mom's rage. Sorry to burst people's bubble, but not all adoptees feel that our parents 'picked us personally' or were "selfless parents"!! God how I wish you people would get OFF of that TIRED old record!  Adoptees end up in abusive homes probably as frequently as biological children do. It's not always a long trip to Disneyland!  And NO, that doesn't mean I'm "anti-adoption"!

Answer 14

How do you KNOW they were adopted?  You didn't see their father.

My brother in law is white, his daughters look Filipino.  Their MOTHER is Filipina.  So, you'd be wrong in assuming they were adopted by my brother in law because he's been married to their mother for nearly 18 years.

NEVER assume you know what you are seeing.  Their father very possibly could have been Asian.

**HOW can you "tell by looking"?  Racist much?  That's bull.  You can't tell just by looking.

Answer 15

Assuming that i saw both parent's and they were both of different nationality to the child,i would have a mixture of feelings.i would feel pleased that the parent's were happy to bring a child of different race into their family,as these children would be carrying on the family line.i would also feel emotional as i am adopted into a Caucasian family,and it would bring back a lot of memories.i would also see what other people saw when they looked at us out and about as a family.BUT most of all i would hope and pray that this child was being raised with the nationality beng taken into consideration.that the parent's recognise the childs heritage,and talk about it,following customs,festival days,etc. in my case my mother didn't know what to do with my afro hair,and it was left in a tangled mess,as shows in my pictures!. i was never taught about slavery or anything from history that would have taughtme my "roots". so yes,if i saw an obviously adopted child i would feel really pleased but i would be concerned about whether that child was learning it's roots and heritage.

Answer 16

I feel that woman is a wonderful person for taking on the responsibility of children that are not biologically hers.

Answer 17

Well not knowing what an obviously adopted child looks like considering I was adopted and people thought I looked a bit like my adopted father not knowing I was adopted and also know of people with inter racial marriages where the children are born looking nothing like the mother and everything like the father and vice versa I think it is wonderful. Adoption is a wonderful concept to allow either disadvantaged children a decent chance in life and childless couples a wonderful child. :)

Answer 18

I get a mixture of feelings.

Glad they have a home, security, love, etc.

Sad that they lost so much; their first parents (no matter what happened, it's a  LOSS); their homeland, their culture, their language.  The essence of who they are and who they were born to be.

I feel sad they can't grow up in their native country, will probably never be able to get information on their first families (if they do, it's a lot harder to come by than it is for domestically adopted kids).

I feel hopeful that their adopters have taken the time to educate themselves about the losses and issues that adoptees face, and are supportive of their adoptees.

Answer 19

I feel I want to go to them and talk to them and hug them.   I feel sad for all they have lost and knowing from experience that society will never allow them to grieve those losses.

Answer 20

as a person who is adopted and not the same race that my family is...its hard to be looked at and have people wonder... for me, i am lucky and blessed that such a wonderful family picked me to join em...

Answer 21

I totally get how you feel. I am adopted and caucasian, as are my adopted parents. I have two siblings who are 2 years younger than me and they are Romanian with dark olive colored skin. My brother and I are really close and go everywhere together. People usually think we are dating. Sometimes we just let them think that its true, but when we tell them we are siblings, people don't know what to say. I think its pretty clear that we are adopted, but it usually takes people awhile to figure it out. My sister and I were in a pageant together this summer and one of the moms in the little miss pageant asked me if the girl with the same last name as me (we have an unusual last name) was related to me. I told her she was my sister and that we were adopted and the woman kept going on and on about how wonderful that was. As adoptees, at least in my family, we have accepted that a lot of people don't know exactly how to react, but honestly we don't consider each other different races. We were never raised that we were different. We just accept that people will have their own reactions and thats fine. And to be honest, even when I see other families with kids who are either adopted or have another parent of a different race it takes me back a bit. I'm not sure why, especially because I have that own situation in my family. Oh, well. I think you are perfectly normal.

Answer 22

lucky children to have a nice home and family

Answer 23

i feel happy for them.its no  nice to see that there are ppl out there who want children so badly and they dont care about race they dont even see the racial differences all they see is a beautifull helpess child.its nice to see ppl adopt children from poorer countries and bring them to canada or america and give them a shot at having a good decent life.my opinion- as long as the children are taken care of and are in a good home and the parents are loving to them i dont think race should be an issue.its 2008 it would be really nice if ppl would stop using the gender/sexuall preference/racial difference card.everybody is equal regardless of their differences.afterall its our differences that make us all unique

Answer 24

I am the natural child of both of my parents and everyone used to ask if I was adopted when I was growing up - I am the little fuzzy brown child of tall pale parents.  My youngest brother is adopted.  He's also short and brown.  He actually looks a bit like my ex-stepmother (his mom), so most people never asked too many questions.  

When I see asian children with a white mother or father, my first assumption is that their other parent might be asian.  If they are out with both white parents, I am glad that the parents got to have some kids to raise and love and that the kids got to have some nice parents to raise and love them.

Answer 25

How racist and judgmental! Maybe their father is Asian. They are beautiful and I'm thankful there are people who do want and appreciate girls.

Answer 26

How do you know the father was not Asian.  Sounds like you are jumping to conclusions.

As far as differently ethnic or race kids being adopted by differently raced parents - I am happy for them.  They are geing adopted by non-prejudiced people and will not learn to hate based on race.

How about you?

Answer 27

To be perfectly honest, I don't feel any different seeing a mixed-race family to when I see a family who are all the same colour. It doesn't make a difference to me... I wouldn't really notice that it was unusual! My own family is mixed race so that is normal for me. Mixed race families work just as well as families who are all one colour, and it's great to see when other people feel the same! So thanks to anyone who replied with positive comments :)

Answer 28

i don't know how i feel... my emotions are mixed on this one.

-several years ago, my son and i visited colonial williamsburg   (the most racist historical site in the country) to show him first-hand the birth-place of american slavery.  although the curators went through great lengths to "re-create" 18th century colonial times, they provided a very glossed-over, antiseptic account of "african-american workers" who also lived there. that's a post for another board....

on the tran,  i saw a family of 4 black children with white parents. i noticed that the children were obviously siblings and were very much loving to the parents. it was clear that these parents loved these children, also.

yet, i was confused as to why one of the kids was wearing a hat with a confederate flag on it.  actually, my son (who was 13 at the time) mentioned the flag.

i was mortified.  how, can a parent who purports to love a black child not explain to him or her the significance of the confederate flag as it relates to african-american slavery, especially in the 'heart' of the settlement of the first african slaves?

and for those who believe "it's just a flag", "it represents the pride of the south", i'd humbly request that these people not adopt black children...and do a bit more research.

this encounter made me sad.  and reinforced why i think those who adopt inter-racially need to really take the time (as cowboy-fan has) to learn about their children's culture.

ETA: "made in china, assembled in the us??"  people CAN'T be this d**n clueless...

ETA part deux:  LOL at scorpio's "afro hair" comment!  that's one that often stumps many non-blacks who adopt black children. so i feel you on that one!

i have a story:

there is a jewish family who adopted a black girl from foster care and the mom asked me how to style her hair.

she saw my daughter's hair (not-permed or processed) and was amazed that i could style it.  this woman actually took the time to come to my home, break bread with me, and humble herself to ask for my help.  not only do i now style the little girl's hair weekly, i also told her which products to use to make her hair stay healthy (she'd taken the little girl to a hair dresser and they relaxed her hair--completely damaging it.). so now i give the little girl conditioner treatments and cut all the relaxer out of her hair.

now she wears cute little two-stranded twists, braids and afro-puffs, instead of a over-processed wooly mess. i'm even teaching the mom how to braid.

for the holidays, she brought the little girl to our home to celebrate kwanzaa.  

this is an example of what people who care about their kid's culture do. not buying some tacky as$ t-shirt that reads "made in china"; or having dinner at the local mexican restuarant to expose them to hispanic culture.

ETA again... mom2fivegirls... you just became my new hero!!! thank you for your perspective and taking the time to learn.  oh, and about the braiding...if you put a tiny bit of cocoa butter on your fingers, the hair slips through easier, it moisterizes the scalp and the braids last longer....*wink*

Answer 29

You know...its funny.  I'm not sure I consciously feel anything.  I've never done a double take or stopped to think "Wow, I guess they are adopted" or anything.  I've never paid attention to it.  I guess cause I have a Korean American foster brother that I just see them as a family and never think anything else but awww what cute kids.  Odd...but I've never really been one to pay much attention to race...or "obvious' differences in people -too many families are blended without adoption.

Answer 30

It is hard to feel one way or the other.

If I have no information about their situation, how can I make an informed judgment.

Answer 31

First of all, I am going to say, as most have- the father could have been Asian.  However, I am going to say this, being an adopted child , myself, and a parent of 2 adopted children- (they are our same race) - WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? Children are children, and either the same race or a different race need to be loved.  And before anyone says anything- any birth mom that would carry their baby to term, and place for adoption has a love that is truly sacrificial-

An "obviously" adopted child- really what do you mean by that- it sounds like you are ashamed of the word adoption to even have to ask this question- you may not have meant to come across that way though- I hope you did not mean it this way.  And besides, as we all have said- they may not be adopted- but if they are- good for them.