How do you forgive your husband?

Question

I feel like a terrible person. My husband has made some big mistakes that really hurt me (long story but related to cheating) but he is trying really hard now. He treats me very well and does so many really nice things for me.

But I am afraid to trust him. I'm afraid he will do these things again. I'm not over it.

I can't unknow the things I know now and it has changed everything. I'm depressed and I feel like if I get happy again, my life will be shattered all over again.

Anybody been thru this? How do you forgive, move forward, get happy again?

Answer 1

I know exactly where you are coming from.  I just went through the same thing about two months ago.  It was so hard for me to even look at him.  And on top of him cheating, he thought she might be pregnant.  Fortunately, she wasn't.  Now we have decided to work things out.  He has changed so much and it is because he wanted to.  He realized that we are meant ot be together.  I have forgiven him even though it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  We have an even stronger relationship now than when we first started out.  You need to rediscover each other again and remember why you fell in love  with each other in the first place. If your love is true and real for both of you, then you will make it through this.

Answer 2

You don't when the trust has been broken it is gone forever

Answer 3

I haven't been through this, and i sympathize with you on all that you've been through, but all i could say is why have u stayed with him, if u know in your heart you cannot get passed what he has done, i mean in order to heal, u have to be able to move on forward with him, and be able to trust again, and if u feel that u still cannot get over what he has done, then why waste ur time on something that will never get better.It takes two to make it work,and i completely understand why u feel that u cannot get over the cheating, if it was me, i wouldn't be able to get over it either, but i also wouldn't be taking him back either, no matter how much love i have for him, so i think u need to re think everything, or u both seek counselling on this.GL to you both!

Answer 4

You have a legitimate reason to not trust your husband.  Cheating is a HUGE deal breaker in many marriages.

If you're willing to stay in the marriage, you can't be worried about being hurt again.  You'll both have to go to counselling to regain that trust back.  Going to marriage counselling is helpful, it's not a bad thing to do.  Don't look down on it and feel that you're admitting there's a problem when you don't want there to be one.  The fact is, it seems you want to stay and forgive...but you can't if you have trust issues.  You need an outside party to help you reason your circumstances with what you want in your marriage.

If you're not willing to work on the marriage, you have a legitimate reason to leave.  In a divorce, infidelity is a no-brainer for divorce lawyers.

Forgiveness comes with trust in your case.  You can't do one without the other.

Answer 5

i'm in the exact process of figuring that part out right now. though not due to cheating. just everything else. he seems to be trying so hard but i can't seem to get passed my feelings this time around. i was so forgiving before until one phrase came out of his mouth. since then, i haven't been happy. and it's so hard to keep the "happy mask" on for the kids. though they're very young right now. i feel for you...good luck and God bless. i hope things work out for the both of us.

don't feel terrible. i know it's hard but we've become like this for a reason and it's their fault. not ours. we shouldn't be expected to drop everything and hope things get better when they've only gotten worse in the past. we have reason to suspect and doubt. but we should also try if we have any more energy left in us.

Answer 6

It's too early for you to forgive him...and it's still too early for you to say you trust him. Trust, especially once lost, has to be earned(or earned back). The most you can do, if you want to save your marriage, is give him the chance to prove himself. Let him earn your trust back a little at a time. Not all at once, but just a little at a time. Eventually, if he proves himself repeatedly over time, then your trust will be able to grow and grow. Then, and only then, will you finally be able to let go of your feelings and to actually forgive him.

It's going to take time. And, you will have to take the risk of trusting him just a little bit for now. But that's what it takes if you really want this marriage to work.

Answer 7

i've been throught this. in this case i was the one that cheated. i cheated on my 3½ yrs relationship and we were engaged. i broke up with her 40 something days before the wedding. i (atfirst) had blame it on some other stuff (to which alot was true) but the main thing was that my conscious kept bothering me. a month and a half after we broke up we're now talking, and i came clean with her100%, she know everything (it was really hard to tell her, because not only was she was gf for 3½ yrs, but she was my best friend for 5 yrs before that, and to top it off, we've known each other since we were 12yrs old) so it was hard for me to come clean, but i had made a change of heart and realize that i've been doing wrong, GOD showed me a new different way.  

now i'm trying to be a better person, and as far as my (former) fiance, she has forgiven me, definetly NOT forgotten, but forgiven me, and like i told her that through time i'm going to show how i've changed, because i could sit and proffess how much i've changed, and love her, but i could go out and mess around. so what i do is i tell her that i love her, BUT also showing it, and making sure that i do things right, and i don't go where i'm not suppose to.

Answer 8

I've been through this and I went to talk to someone about it. I didn't talk to her very long about it or see her often at all. It just felt good to talk about it with someone. Every once in a while I get a little angry about what has happened and I use that time to just be by myself and have faith in my relationship. If it gets to the point where I can't calm myself down, I talk to him about it and he comforts me. You will forgive, but never forget. Just remember and appreciate that he is trying his best now and to give him the benefit of the doubt. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Good luck!  

Answer 9

I am going through the same thing for the second time.  The first time my husband showed no remorse.  This time, he broke down and I know he is really sorry and he swears it will never happen again.  Happiness is a choice.  I am chosing to stop dwelling on the bad and I am focusing on the good.  So far, our relationship seems stronger now than it did before.  We seem to appreciate each other more and we are paying closer attention to each others feelings.  Try not to think about the other women.  From what I hear on here, men just like to have some excitment to get their minds off their problems.  Just because he talked to other women does not mean he didn't love you or wasn't more attracted to you than them.  Forgive him and try to forget by not letting it enter your mind.  With that being said, I would still "check up on him" and check phone records, etc to make sure he has put an end to his bad behavior.  

Answer 10

I have been there and the answer is simple and hard at the same time - it's just do it!

Make the decision to stick with this man and forgive (not forget) and move forward and let yourself be happy or ruin what you have left and live your life in fear and misery. Life and love don't have any guarantees that you won't get hurt, you both have to learn from mistakes and move forward.

You can do it!!

Answer 11

I have been through this, but I was unable to forgive.  I had to end the marriage before I could truly move on.  I am not saying that is what you should do, there are people who have been able to move on from something like this- I can't, for the life of me understand how- but they did.

Good luck, hopefully you (and your husband) have been able to get some help through marriage counseling as well.

Answer 12

Betrayal is the hardest thing to forgive, but will never forget.  I'm not sure that it's possible to ever trust again, but time will tell. If you are giving him another chance, then you owe it to him to try and make it work and be happy.  Otherwise, why give him that chance?

Answer 13

PLEASE PLEASE think about who you are truly hurting...yourself and your relationship!

Obviously your hubby feels extremely remorseful and is doing everything he can to make things right with you.

By holding onto these feelings, you are only driving yourself crazy and you aren't giving the relationship the true SECOND CHANCE it deserves.  There are many men who would say "too bad, get over it" and wouldn't be as understanding.

The last thing I will add is that EVERYTHING in life is a RISK...nothing is guaranteed, so you are only CHEATING yourself out of happiness...NO MATTER HOW LONG THAT LOVE LASTS...cherish it!

Answer 14

You should not feel like a horrible person. You are reacting to your husbands actions that caused the intimate faith and trust in the relationship to change.  

You are offering your husband more time to prove he can be trusted but not without cost to you, as you are experiencing.

All you can do is accept that "you need and deserve happiness". Besides your relationship with your husband, do other things for yourself that make you happy.  Your job, friends and family can be a great source of happiness during these difficult times.  Be kind to yourself sweetheart and take one day at a time, say "Today", I am going to be happy".  Don't ever forget that you are a beautiful person and you deserve happiness.

Peace Be Still

Answer 15

It's not your fault it's his.  You trusted him and he did something you never expected.  I think things can never be the same as before.  Because that would mean to have faith in that he won't do it again.  All you can do is go by his actions.   Trust in him until he gives you signs not to.

Answer 16

Perhaps you should look into couple's counseling.  I know it sounds lame, but it might help you.  I, personally, could never get over it.  Once a cheater always a cheater.  But it depends upon his reasons.  Were you two going through an unhappy time, and is there a root to the problem, something that drove him to cheat?  Things can be fixed if they are on a mental and emotional level.  But, if he just can't keep his you-know-what you-know-where, then I'd give him the boot and get your self confidence back.  You deserve better.  

Answer 17

Time is the only thing that will help!

Forgiveness isn't forgetting!  You can forgive him and move on and not bring it up again without forgetting!

Answer 18

A Lobotomy.

Its the only way.