How do you get over grief? I just placed a baby for adoption.It has been hard emotionally.?

Question

How do you get over grief? I just placed a baby for adoption.It has been hard emotionally.?

Answer 1

It will be very hard.  My friend back in high school got unfortunately pregnant, and her aprents wouldn't let her keep the baby, so she went up for adoption.  She has a home now, but my friend had to go through conseling to feel better. Don't worry, this may be better for your baby.

Answer 2

It is very hard to cope with it emotionally. The hardest think is, that you will never ever get completely over it. No matter how hard you try you will always think of the baby ? But take it from the other side. You have made someone very happy, and they will love your child from all the heart. My friends adopted that way a little boy (they new biological mother, it went through a lawyer ) and he is all they have, they will love him till the end of their lives. Wishing you good luck !!!

Answer 3

Honey, the grief process can be as hard or as 'easy' as you choose it to be. Placing a child is very difficult for many people. I did go thru a grief process, but it was short-lived--mainly because I know in my heart and believed in my heart that this was the best choice for everyone around.

I chose his parents. I wanted people just like my folks who chose me to adopt.

Best thing I've ever done in my life because I knew that I wasn't ready to be a mother, I didn't want to be a mother yet.

Best for him because I wasn't ready.

Best for his family--my God they're awesome!! Wonderful people.

Best for my now husband. He wasn't ready either.

It takes time. Every year is an anniversary. And every year I make a choice to celebrate the fact that he's where he should be. I celebrate that he's an awesome kid, that he's healthy, happy, smart, loving, caring.  Sure, there's some brief sadness, but that's overridden by the fact that he's loved by his family. 18 years have come and gone. He's a grown man now. He's talented, smart, hard working, loving, and he's loved. I thank God for his parents every day.

Answer 4

a lot of people have said a lot of great things, so i wont repeat them. one thing that helped me get through the adoption process is by imagining that i was a surrogate mother. i was having this baby for THEM. as weird as this may sound, my social worker at the agency told me that if anyone could "DO" adoption the right way, i did it. grief is hard, but you can learn to forgive yourself and see the situation in a positive light. you will feel better. email me if you want to talk.

Answer 5

YOU WILL ALWAYS GRIEF.BUT EVERYDAY YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE,YOU WILL THINK I DID THE RIGHT THING FOR MY CHILD.WAS IT A OPEN ADOPTAGE OR WAS IT CLOSED. IF IT WAS A OPEN ADOPTIVE:YOU WILL STEEL GET TO SEE THE CHILD AND GET PICTURES AND HEAR ABOUT THE BABY. IF IT WAS CLOSED THEN NOTHING WILL HAPPEN. BUT JUST REMBER ITS WAS A GOOD THING YOU DID FOR SOMEBODY THAT CAN NOT HAVE A CHILD.IT WILL TAKE A LONG TIME BUT YOU WILL GET THOUGH IT.YOU WILL ALWAYS REMBER YOUR CHILD...IF YOU ARE NOT SURE WHAT YOU DID IS RIGHT THEN IF YOU HAVE NOT ALL THE WAY PASS YOU DAYS OF CHANGING YOUR MIND THEN GO AND GET THE CHILD....I'M NOT TELLING YOU TO STEEL THE CHILD BUT LET THE LAWYER KNOW YOU HAVE CHANGED YOUR MIND....BUT BEFORE YOU DO THAT PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU ARE REALLY FOR EVERYTHING THAT WILL HAPPEN...THINK ABOUT THE BABY FIRST....GOOD LUCK AND BE STRONG

Answer 6

I cannot say that one ever "gets over" grief, you just learn to deal with it.  I am sorry to hear of your news, but you must have had your reasons, remember those reasons.  God be with you in your time of suffering.

Answer 7

One never gets over grief but we just learn to cope a little easier as each day passes by. I'm so sorry that you had to make the choice you did but you must have done so, after giving it great thought.  Of course it's been hard on you emotionally & that's understandable. As painful as it was for you, just have faith & believe that what you did was the best thing for your baby. I hope the days to come will be easier for you to bare. Here's a big hug!!!!   :)

Answer 8

I  don't know your reasons for giving your baby up for adoption, but I think you are a very brave and loving mother! To do this must have been so hard and yet you have made someone soooo happy. More than likely you will always greive though I hope your pain lessens with time. Talk with a close friend and take the time to keep a journal. Write in the journal at least 1 a week and make your letters to your child! If he or she comes looking for you on their 18 b-day then let them have it. That way they will know they were ALWAYS first and foremost in your heart and mind!

Answer 9

Ruth, I'm and adopted child and for years have been burndened by not knowing who my "real" parents were and not knowing their reasons as to why they gave all six of us up for adoption. I'm 27 to date and a wife and mother of a three year old son whom I love and cherish dearly. Look, Ruth do yourself a favor and search your heart and if you feel you made the wrong choice, by all means get your baby back. I could not have done what you did, not by far, especially after carrying to term. I know this is hard on you and in time it will get better, just keep your faith, hope, and trust in God. Also, another piece of advice if you truly want to keep your baby, you still have every legal right because you are his biological mother. Ask yourself some questions: Am I certain I want to go through with this adoption? Am I doing it for all the right reasons? Am I doing it for all thw wrong reasons? Do I really, truly, and wholeheartedly want to give up my baby? Would I feel more comfortable giving it to a family member so I can still see him or her on a regular basis? Do I want to take full responsibilities for my actions and raise my child, whom I carried in my womb for 9 mo so he or she can have oppor. to know me, his or her mother? Can I provide for the child in all aspects(financially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually) Ask yourself these question and write down your honest answers and see where it takes you. Good Luck and God Speed!!!

Answer 10

i have been in this situation myself! i got pregnant at a very young age. i felt uncomfortable with an abortion and chose adoption. while i was pregnant, it was hard to consider, but i was ok with it. once i had the baby, i had second thoughts. i wanted to see her and they sugested i didnt, but i demanded! i still had the option to change my mind, but all in all, i put her first instead of me! even though you gave your baby up for adoption, you are his/her mother and it is your responsibility to give that baby the best life it could have! and if that means that it is with someone else than so be it. it is a very sad thing, but dont let emotion get in the way. think of everything they will have, that maybe you were unable to provide. you did the right thing. i dont know how your arrangements are, but some people are allowed to see their kids when they get older and they get to establish a relationship with them! maybe if you know the people who adopted the baby, write letters to see how everything is, ask for pictures once in a while... what you did was probably the hardest thing a mother has to do, but be thankful that you had the common sense to do it.. everybody wants to be a good provider for their kids, and give them things they never had. look at all the young mothers that kept their babies, and cant afford to get them new toys, or maybe a new outfit. or that cant afford to take them to do any extra curricular activities. some parents cant even afford food or milk without help from the state. just be thankful she is healthy. and understand what you did was for the baby!

Answer 11

It really isn't a question on how do you get over grief.  It is more about how do you deal with it and have good days to go with the bad.  It has been 3 years and I have an open adoption.  It is tough.  You go thru cycles were you are up and then you are down.

Did you go thru an agency?  I ask because many offer post placement counseling and depending on the agency the aparents pay for an x number of visits.

Can you go to your doctor and try medication?  Again, many of done this and it isn't a stigma.

I belong to anumber of groups and when I am having a really hard day I go to one in particular and vent and let everything out and I know there will be others there who know what I am going thru and don't give me the answers I don't want to hear.

I hate to say it but I read many of them here.  Through this group I have met some really amazing women and have made anumber of friends.

(((HUGS)))

Answer 12

I cant imagine that heartache but major kudos to you for loving your child enough to carry her/him to term!

Ive never done that but my 3rd child died soon after his birth last year. The grief for me has yet to end. It took 8 months to even accept that it actually happened. You need counseling, that #1 right now. And you did it most likely because you felt it was for a better life for your child. You need to hold your head up high for the strength it took to carry her to term and than give her a new family. Your a strrong woman for that. Always keep her(him) in your heart. She may have a new family but she'll always be your lil baby.

Answer 13

Of course you are grieving, you made the ultimate sacrifice, and you deserve to feel the way you do.  I can tell you this, what you gave to another couple can never ever be repaid in any shape, fashion or form.  I guarantee you this.........He/She is being loved like no other....They are doing EVERYTHING they can to make sure that baby has everything he/she needs.  

Do you have an open adoption? If so, you can send pics and letters to the agency, or possibly through the legal avenue you went through for the adoption.  If not, start journaling.  Journaling is soothing, but also, puts your thoughts and emotions right there in front of you.  Take walks, join a support group! Most agencies offer meetings for birth parents, you may find this is one of the most rewarding things you can do for yourself, to interact with others,just like you.

I hope that you feel better about your decision soon.  You will always think of your child, that is the hardest part. Hopefully one day you will reflect back on this, and know that what you had to do, was best for you and for your child. I wish you Peace.

Answer 14

I don't know. I just did the same as you less than two weeks ago. All I can offer is an ear and shoulder. Feel free to email me if you want, I understand.

Answer 15

when I placed my child for adoption 10 yrs ago, I just kept it in mind that I gave her the best life I could, a small comfort I know, but she was more important than anything else. I also made a pact with myself that I would only grieve 2 days a year where I would allow myself to feel the sorrow and loss, her birthday and Mothers Day. Now it is done, you can not change it, you can however set goals and work towards achieving them. My goal was that the next time I got pregnant, I would be in a position to care for my child on every level. It's taken 10 years, but she has a brother who is 2 months old, and I am mom! Hang in there. It will never be easy, but it does hurt less over time.

Answer 16

I am so sorry that you had to go through this experience.  You've made a very brave and wonderful choice, and I am saying this as an adoptive parent.  You chose life for your baby, and that is a true, unselfish gift.

Is the adoption final?  Because if not, you have every right in the world to change your mind about this.  It sounds as though you are not 100% certain you made the correct decision.  If I had adopted my children domestically, it would have broken my heart if the birth mother had chosen to take them back (which is why I chose to adopt internationally).  But in my heart, I would have understood.    We all go through moments in which we think we just can't do it alone, and that someone else could do it better.    But then, we sometimes find an inner resevoir of strength.

Search your heart, and think ahead to the future of ten or fifteen or twenty years from now.  If you know in your heart that you made the correct decision, then your grief will eventually abate, and you will be at peace with it.  But if you decide otherwise, it may not be too late to change your mind.  You have every right to bring up the child you gave birth to.

Answer 17

You don't.  If you went through an agency, see if they offer counseling.

Answer 18

im 41 and found my birth mother and she has/ had  the same problem as you .shes never got over it and she never will shes thought about me all these years and she never ever contacted me once i had to and my mother do searches and look for herget the child back or wait till its old enought to contact him/ her and keep it in your life forever

Answer 19

yes, i gave up a baby for adoption as well, 7 1/2 years ago. and no you never get over it. the things that helped me were taking comfort in my decesion and that it was made out of pure love and as his first mother. knowing i did it for his happiness. NEVER regret your decesion. and mostly you will see her again and she will know that you love her

Answer 20

Some adoption agencies encourage the birth mothers to stay in contact with the adoptive families. Is that an option with the one you went through? That may be a way to help you with your grief. I would also recommend counseling. I wish you all the best.

Answer 21

Hi.I was adopted 25 years ago tomorrow and you know there are days(ok all the time) where I am wanting to find out who my birth mother is,yet there is not a day that goes by where I admire her for what she did. She was in a position where she knew she wouldnt be able to give me a decent life/lifestyle and unselfishly gave me up so that i would.I just need to say later on to make yourself available to "find" in case they ever decide to search for you. You did a brave thing.

Answer 22

First, I wish I could give you a hug right now.  :)  You must really be going through a ton of emotions.  Do you have anyone you can talk to - perhaps someone thru the agency or the church?  Most agencies have counselors for this sort of thing.  If you did not use an agency, call the hospital where you gave birth and ask if they have someone that can help.  Many times they have programs available or may even be able to put you in touch with other bio-moms.  

I wish there is something I could say to you right now to make you feel better, but I know there isn't.  But I am sending hugs your way.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't say an extra prayer for all of you wonderful women who have made an adoption plan for your child.  It is what has allowed me to become a Mother.  Thank you.  :)

Answer 23

If you weren't ready to be a parent, then you did the right thing. It is really emotional! You need people you love around, talk to them and just let everything out. You'll feel better. I am adopted and I am curently trying to contact my birthfather that I haven't talked to in 16 years. I just want to know a few things and have closure!

Answer 24

i cant begin to imagine how your feeling right now and i don't think for one minute you will ever get over it but what you must remember is at the time you chose to do this you where thinking of your baby and what was best for it at the time and you have given him or her a better start in life that you could offer so please don't beat yourself up over this but you must try to get some good professional help good luck x

Answer 25

It was your choice so you have to deal with it in your own way. Y did u get rid of it? Just tell me on my questions cause i am intereested in adopted

Answer 26

Both of the first answers are great.  You don't really get over it.  I gave my first baby up for adoption almost 7 years ago, and I still think about her every single day.  It does get easier with time.  Just keep in mind that you did the right thing, for your baby, for yourself, and for the new family.  Please email me if you'd like.

Answer 27

Think constantly about the love and life you gave your precious baby!  What a courageous sacrifice you made, so your baby could have everything you wanted him/her to have!

Think of this baby's future -- all due to your unselfish, loving, generous, mature decision.

And if you need to talk to others, go to any large adoption agency nearest to you and join a bio mom's support group!  Talk.    Bless you.

Answer 28

You really need to go to counseling of some sort.  I live in rural KY and there is free counseling available here so you should be able to find it no matter where you live.

Answer 29

Bless your heart! ..... I am the mother of an adopted son.

Not a day goes by that I don't thank the Lord for my beautiful child and the great sacrifice that women like you make.

Please know that your great sacrifice is not taken lightly.  

I most likely will never be able to thank my son's biological mother for giving him life.....but you can bet I will teach my son, as he grows and is able to understand, that he does have a biological mother.  Never will I minimize her importance in his life.  God bless you!

Answer 30

You can't just 'get over grief' ... even for a baby you have put up for adoption.  Unfortunately, there are 'greif support groups' only for people who have 'lost' someone due to 'death' ... but if you could get some books on the 'Grief Process' and read those, they may 'help you' get over your own grief.  And THANK YOU FOR YOUR GENEROSITY!  By giving your 'baby' away you have made a couple extremely happy ... and I'll pray that you will be able to 'be happy' again soon, too.

Answer 31

It will take you some time. Even grandmothers grieve over over an adopted child. However the knowledge that what you have done is in the childs best interest should help you, also the knowledge that when that child is 21  you may be able to get together if you both want to. From my experience most adopted children while still loving their adopted parents wish to find their birth Mother. It seems to be a fundamental need and most are able to have a loving relationship with them. Most people who adopt really really want to love and raise a child that should ease your mind.