How do you get over the ' fear ' of contacting people because you ' fear ' they will reject you ?

Question

these are my circumstances in general :

ive missed out all my life on happiness, goals, friendships, relationships, work, education, lifestyles..

never achieved any of it because ive suffered such a miserable life of trauma, let downs, rejection, bullying ~( physical and mental ) - abuse, assaults, attacks, time in a psychiatric hospital, time in jail....a criminal record...a mental health record etc...

today ive lived on my own since 2005 in a small messy flat without anybody....i have no social support network exceptt my mother and 1 internet friend.....my mother who is aging and cannot do the things she used to.

i live on disability, i own nothing except a few books and an old dusty computer.

because of the severe bullying and abuse i suffered i developed a rage and aggression problem....iam diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and ptsd..

i used to have rage outbursts many times in crowded public places and lash out at strangers.....get confrontational.....stare at people act out of control aggressive..

because of this sometimes i thought could i have intermittent explosive disorder ?

but have accepted my bpd diagnoses, ive made lot of progress controling my aggression and outbursts for years now...and are waiting for an appointment for psychotherapy..

for a while ive experienced bad anxiety, flashbacks, panic that keep my staying inside my apartment except when i need to go out..

struggled with aggression because of unresolved anger of the past, severe bullying etc..

paranoia that im being deliberatly alienated by people, ostracised and socially excluded.....like my lifes being opressed and controlled..

im not sure how the paranoia started but ive had it vertually all my adult life.

sometimes in an average day, some people are abrupt, cold, stand-offish, non accepting of me, aloof, exchange glances, and seem to be deliberatly making me feel like an outcast..

supermarket workers, cafe workers, store cashiers ...authority figures..

this reinforces my paranoia im being socially ostracised.

i feel society....the local community has a negative perception of me which, just the thought they have makes me feel incredablly angry.

i feel deliberatly shut out of society.....like im stigmatised, like a lot of people know about my past....rage episodes....my background etc..

i feel vilified by people who used to victimise me years back.

i feel people in the community remember my countless ragew outburst or im somehow stigmatised and labelled in other ways..

otherwise, why are people so aloof, and stand-offish from me and seem to distance themselves from me ???

obviously i struggle with aloofness myself, and im very wary and guarded towards people......but no one can blame me for that considering everything i have had to go through....

in spite of my c**p life ive had to endure, and my past, and history and possible stigma surrounding me im still going on....making progress with my rage.....have the odd setback with anger showing - but on the whole ive done well.

im trying to be positive and work towards future goals of a good paid job and to move away from england to live near the quiet coast somewhere....to live a peaceful life..

im 30 now and obviously missed out a great deal on everything..

i need treatment for my injured ankle and torn ankle ligaments, i have to watch how i walk, or else i can go over.....it is very weak......

its depressing to because with it i feel like a cripple.

the skin on the head of my p***s is all cracked and teared, covering the head.....so im waiting to hear from a dermatologist about that.

so theres alot of things causing me insecurity and anxiety at the moment.

and ontop of that, when i go outside....or i browse myspace, in england at female profiles or other countries in myspace i see beaming happy grins.....like everyones happy....oblivious to my life of torment and torture..

flirty, wide grinned, rosy cheeked, fair haired grins and i feel incredablly angry at that !!!!! ( clenched teeth )

because ive missed out all my life at starting from scratch at 30, on my own in a small flat.

how do i handle this ?

because i feel angry and jealous toward those happy people and want to take it out on them

i know that its wrong to feel that way thats why im asking for help

Answer 1

I dont know that its possible to totally overcome these problems, thats my own feeling I do understand alot of what you say about people & I fear rejection or critisism - I sometimes wonder if becoming a total recluse would be the answer, or maybe thats just me

The first step in wanting others to accept or love you is probably learning to love yourself by understanding the past & your own experiences in life you can hopefully accept yourself as you are now.

Answer 2

The first thing I want to say to you is that your desire to connect with others and establish meaningful contact is a sign of mental health, which tells me that you can heal and probably will.  Make sure you stay in psychotherapy, even when it gets difficult.  Your fears of others are based on perception, not reality.  The people who hurt you in your past don't have the power to hurt you now.  You are an adult, and you can control who comes in your life.  It is important for you to forgive yourself and to understand that everyone is imperfect, everyone has regrets, and you are no better or worse than anyone else.  Reach out to people.  Expect to be well-received most of the time, and expect a little rejection too.  This is part of living a normal life, which is what you want.  Most people will like us, but some will not, and you have to accept that as normal.  When you first start talking to someone, don't pour your heart out all at once.  Find common interests and talk about those first, and be patient and let friendships develop over time.  It will happen.  Remember that most people in this world want and need friends, and you have something to offer the world.  You need to let your anger go.  Everyone has been wronged by others, everyone has to live with pain, and a smiling face doesn't mean the person lives a perfectly happy life.  It just means the person has a smiling face.  Forgive yourself, forgive others, be patient, and let friendships develop over time.  You will be rejected from to time, but let that go and forgive again.  Based on your question and the way you write, you are on your way to mental health, and you will get there.  I know you feel old and washed up at 30, but you have just begun to live, my friend, and your best years are ahead of you.  Be encouraged.

Answer 3

If you just learn from ur pass and stay possitive im sure u can make a lot o fpeople look up to you.

A lot of famous people have something wrong with them but they take are of it calmly and let the world know about it, and it gains respect and trust.

Just stay calm, and think about it, righ tnow u have nothing to lose, so just go ahead and conact new people...If they are actaully good people they will message u back, and if they are just people who wont make ur life any better, then just forget them and make new friends for the better.

Just stay confident, and keep a warm smile on ur face, it always make you feel possitive.

God bless you, and  I know things will ocme around for you. Just keep saying to yourself your happy and you love your life. BELIEVE IT when u say it and things will come around sooner.  just believe in yourself. I know u can do it.

I made this poem, I usually dont give out my poems, but for you I'll let you have it =]

------

i thought my problems were endless

i thought i couldnt handle this life

all the drama and restrictions, it feel like h**l

but i was wrong from the begining

i didn't realize that i wasn't alone

somebody has been taking care of me

its the one spirit i will put all my faith in

cause he took me out of my misery

Na, he didn't kill me if that's what you think

he showed me the brighter side of life, as i was listening

i cant believe i thought i had no meaning

i was wrong to look at life with empty feelings

he showed me how to love, how to forgive

how to be myself and love it

he brought me out of the dark, into this light

and it feels so good, to love life

he told me that you get what you say

that you recieve what you complain about

from sickness to poverty

you can also get what you speak blissfully of

jealousy, revenge? its not needed

karma does its job, so just leave it

giving up? its always a good time to turn back around

your smile is so precious to him, he can always upright your frown

he said he cant do you good if you dont believe

to the fullest

he says that if you really trust him

together you'll move mountains

Whoa, moving mountains..

he tells you whats wrong or right

you'll hear him sometimes in your mind

but listen closley, his voice is undefined

he's God, my savior

my hero, my Lord

the reason why i'm living,

and the reason why i'm happy.

--------

Answer 4

I have tried time and time again to post my answer to this question, and Y/A is telling me it's taking a breather (coffee break). Well, I guess my answer was too long. I thank you though for allowing me to email you personally to send you what I had originally put. "I am The NOBAMA Girl", and "Canam" say some pretty good points. I hope my answer I sent you helps you as well. :-)

Take care and Blessings to you!

Answer 5

You are complicated. It appears you have become accustomed to your solitude and have not developed social skills. The happy grins you see on the faces of others may be hiding some torment of their own. It seems to me you would benefit from group therapy. You need to learn to interact with others without being fearful, and without expecting something more from them than is appropriate at that time. I use to work as a psyche nurse, and I can tell you from experience that people will react to you the same way you react to them. If you stare and have an unfriendly look on your face they will not feel all warm and friendly towards you. Since your problem is long standing, it will not go away over night and there is no simple answer. You need to be around people even if on a superficial level. Go to church. Look for groups in your area that have regular meetings with people who have similar problems. Start out slow and dont expect too much at first. With your diagnosis it is very hard to overcome these problems alone. The more help you get the better. Good luck.

Answer 6

Just close your eyes and hope for the best, Come on in the waters fine here.in friends-ville. Good luck.  

Answer 7

First foremost the best thing for you si to build up your self esteem. The bible states that the power of life and death is in our tongues, and that we can bring to life many things just by speaking. So positive self talk would help you gain self worth and confidence to be able to the things that matter to you most out of life. I used to handle rejection badly my self. But I turned that around when I started knowing my true worth. Most people do not know their true worth. As a child of God you are worth a great multitude more than what you realize. Even though you may not see it, you have great potential and a lot to offer. My advice to you is to find a counselor or a person out side your family that you trust and confide in that person. Stop living your life worrying about other poeple and their views and or standards of you. Because if anyone rejects you, it is their lose and not your's. You have a lot to offer especially to poeple going thru the same things that you have expierianced. Mentoring to truvled youths can provid some self worth and purpose in life. As for your skin problem, you might have sinsitive skin like I do. Try switching detergents, or soap , or lotion. Either one of those could cause yor skin to dry out.

Answer 8

Don't feel bad, your not alone. My feeling of self worth is so low , too. I'm so depressed, I cannot get anything done. I am also 35, look like i'm 20, so guys are always trying to talk to me, and I think I have some kind of social anxiety. I hate having to face people.....my story started different than yours, my mother and brother died in an accident when I was 9 months old. They were 24, and 3. Now, my dad has spent a whole lifetime hating me. My husband moved out, and is living with friends, he told me yesterday that he hates me, and why don't I hang myself? According to him, I am good for nothing....My father, who survived the boating accident, abused me as a child, and stepmom. I truely wish to just escape this horrible place, but, there is no escape. I have 3 kids, so suicide is not an option. Thre is a lot, lot more.....I could write a book....I cry almost every day......Just want you to know you are not alone.......I'm suffering, too. Now it's to the point that I cannot get anything done, cause I just want to hide, or die. YOU ARE NOT ALONE....as far as the social anxiety disorder, what it sounds like, just try to not care what these people think, that's what I do.....Try to think like me, lately anyway, we've got to talk to people, or we will never have friends, anyone. I need to meet someone besides my husband, I must fear his cruelty every second.....Good Luck.....Lots of love.....if you ever want to talk, my 360 page is open, not quite sure how it works.....you WILL be ok, everything has a way of working out!!!!    Isabella Elaine..... ADD: if this russian girl can't handle the real you, she's not really your friend, a friend would except you regardless of how you feel....best of luck bella