How do you get through to family that doesn't remember to use the proper terminology?

Question

Members of my family, though very receptive to our adopted child, keep using the "wrong" terminology. They call the birthmom the "mom", and us by our names (Instead of "Your father/mother is making your bottle." they say "Jim/Jane [not real names] is making you a bottle".

I don't want to embarass them, and I don't want to sound like I am being overly critical. I just want them to understand that the child is ours.

Answer 1

How old is the child?

Just keep correcting them nicely.  Eventually they'll get the hint.

Answer 2

That's sad that your family members aren't realizing the HUGE mistake they are making.  You may want to say, "I know we've been Jim/Jane for a long time now, but we're Momma and Daddy now".  Or, when they say "Jim is getting you a drink", come back into the room, hand your child their drink and say, "Here, Daddy got you a drink".  Hopefully they'll get it.  If they don't, you may just have to sit down and have a talk with them.  Best of luck and congratulations on your newest addition!

Answer 3

being an adoptive mother of 4 i totally understand where your coming from we had that problem but they always referred to the birth parents as the "real parents" in front of our children. we adopted our older 3 when they were 5,6 and 7. they had been abused, neglected and gone through more than most can even dream of.

we corrected everyone who said it politely the first time it happened but every time someone would have something to say about their real parents after that we would just assume they were talking about us and answer accordingly. at first most people thought we were off our rockers.

"do you think their real parents are still in prison?"

"UMMM.....we have never been to prison."

"no, I'm talking about their "real parents."

"i know we have never been to prison."

...and so on. They caught on quick. there were to be if and or buts about it!

We wanted our children, especially being older, to understand that we were never going anywhere and we were as real as it gets.

now they are 9,10 and 11 and love to tell people that they are adopted. they will very politely explain that "Jane" gave birth to them but she couldn't take of them and that she did the best she could til the parents God chose for them were able to adopt them and take of them.

don't be scared to get your point across....it may seem rude but your child's security is more important than their feelings

Answer 4

Assuming you went through a legal adoption process I think the language used by your own family is strange. I would talk to them away from your child/ren and explain that your ARE the "parents".

The birth mother is usually referred to by her first name or simply birth mom. But you write as if she is there in the room with you and your family so perhaps your circumstances are not fully known to us. I somehow get the feeling that the birth mom was a family member to begin with.

In any case, I would speak to the family at least for the child's sake.

Answer 5

I don't know how old your child is but, I think you probably do need to come right out and say something to people about how they are to refer to you as the Mom and Dad because you are the Mom and Dad. Your child needs to grow up knowing exactly who his parents are and that he only has one set of parents. The sooner people start to refer to you as Mom and Dad the better, and that means immediately. I wouldn't worry at all about embarassing them or sounding critical. They need to understand that you are this child's family and that's all there is to it. I would come right out and say it and say why it's so important.

Answer 6

I say just tell them. It may be hard to tell them, but it is the truth, and it needs to be said. You are the parents and should be called mom and dad. Maybe they don't even know they are doing something wrong.

Answer 7

I wouldn't be nice about it. To me it doesn't sound like they are forgetting. It sounds to me like they're being jerks. It's not that hard to remember to call a child's parents "mom" and "dad" to them, instead of "jane" or "jim". Would they call you "jim" and "jane" to a biological child? I doubt it.

I would just flat out tell them "little timmy is our child, we are his mother and his father, not jim and jane please try and remember that"

Edited to say: This is coming from the mouth of an adopted child. My birth mother is nothing to me but that. The vessel that brought me into this world. She is, in my mind, nothing. She abused me, only concieved me to try and get her boyfriend to marry her, etc... She is trash, and doesn't ever deserve the term birth mother.

All you people defending the "birth mother" need to realize that not everyone is a good person that just didn't have the money to raise a child.

And for the record, my mother never bad mouthed the "birthmother" she did nothing but say positive things about her and allow me to talk to her if I wished, and never talked down to her, or about her to me. I formed my opinion completely on my own.

Answer 8

Tell them how you feel. If they are going to be part of the child's life then tell them they need to get into the habit of using the correct terminology. Approach them in a private situation to avoid embarassment, and do it together, so that they know you both feel the same way. Good Luck & Congrats!

Answer 9

Why don't you sit down with them and explain your child has four parents--two mothers, and two fathers--and note that you appreciate them respecting the child's biological parents as a mother and father, but that you and your spouse are also mother and father.

Answer 10

well sounds like you just have to remind them that YOU and YOUR wife are MOM and DAD and that the BIRTHPARENTS are just that BIRHTPARENTS. Remind your family one does not need to biologically contribute to the childs dna to be MOM AND DAD and if you have to correct them everytime they make the error intill their embrassed to correctly say the correct terms. Also they have books for families to read that help explain the adoption process to the extended family.  Good Luck

Answer 11

Not everyone is willing to accept YOUR reality.  This will be great training for you--for the future...when 'your' child can think for him/her self, and starts questioning the 'honesty' in your language.

See, you are actually very lucky, LC.  You're getting the straight dope from plenty of intelligent adopted adults.  Think of it as your own, *free* Kaplan course in what your child WILL think, and how they'll feel in the future.  We're just 'prepping' you for that LSAT down the road.  Let's call it the APAT! Will you be ready?

And LC, we're from the 'closed' 1950s, 60s, 70s eras...can you IMAGINE this new generation?!  Whoa!  It's gonna rock.

The good old days are over. And we'll be waiting with virtual arms here on the Web with our reality.

Answer 12

What's wrong with calling the child's mom 'Mom'????#

No legal document can take away the fact that she is the child's MOM and always will be.

Like it or not it's an honest fact and to pretend otherwise is just dishonest

Answer 13

Whoa - that isn't good and can't be tolerated.

I have an adopted son, and in the beginning I ran into some of that "phenomenon" too.  Sometimes people almost seem like the just have to do that passive-aggressive kind of thing as a way of letting you know they can't quite accept that you're the child's mother.  Sometimes, too, people are just ignorant.

As an adoptive mother, you're going to find that from time to time you're always going to be called on to stand up for your relationship with you child.  There are always people who don't quite get it.  

I have the benefit of having biological children as well, so I know, first-hand, that the relationship is the same.

I think you should politely tell anyone who appears not to realize it that every child has one mother and one father at a time, and you're it at this point.   Just tell them that this child has to have his mother called "mommy" if he isn't going to be confused.  Ask them not to talk about the birth mother at all.  That topic is something that should be kept between you, the child, and the birth-mother (if she's in the picture at all).

That child has only you - his mother - to stand up for him now and to protect him from people who say things that could eventually be hurtful to him.  Also, you have a right to have your relationship with your child respected.

These people may not intend any harm, but the fact that they know you've adopted the child and still call you by your name shows that they are disregarding your status as the mother.  Some people pull junk because they count on others not to embarrass them.  In this case, the child comes first.

Either talk to each of them, talk to one who will pass it on, or send a nice letter to the lot of them and explain that the adoption made you the child's mother.  You could say something like, "I know it may be an adjustment for you, and I understand it may take you a while to get used to the idea; but even if you can't quite yet accept it, please at least pretend for the baby's benefit.  Maybe he doesn't quite understand what you're saying right now, but I do.  Besides, I don't want to wait until he's been hearing and understanding this confusing talk for two years before everybody decides to change what they say."

The only exception might be if the child is old enough to be aware of what's going on.  If that's the case, then I think the family members who don't want to just all-of-a-sudden change how they refer to you and the birth mother may be right.  If the child has had one mother and has known you by your name for a while then the child will need a little time getting used to the new arrangement and having a new mother.  If this is the situation, the child will switch over gradually; and I don't think the "offenders" are wrong for now.  Adopting an older child requires some time for everyone to adjust.

(When you've lived as an adoptive mother for a few decades you develop a real "attitude" about this kind of stuff.  :))

Answer 14

Maybe as you leave to make a bottle you need to say Daddies going to go and make you a bottle.  Is you hand your child to them say grandma, grandpa, Uncle **, or Aunt ** want to hold you.  As an adopted person who knew all along, Mom and Dad are the people raise you.  Stop letting someone else define your position in this childes life.  The people who gave you the opportunity to raise a child gave you and the child a GIFT.  They gave LIFE and that can never be minimized but you are giving LOVE.  Do you know that babies that are for some reason (over crowding under staffing) get fed and diapered but not held die at a much higher rate.   If you can not get through to them gently ask them Gently do they want to be grandma and grandpa or Uncle and Aunt or do they want to be Jim and Jane's other Family.  If they do not want to be Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle and Aunt Use there proper names.  Mrs. Jane Doe - Mr. John Doe or just Jane and John.  Then show consistency at home and out in public.  You can not force them to be labeled as family.  Trust me your close friends would love the honer of being called Aunt and Uncle.

Answer 15

I notice a poster says that "everyone uses birthmother so there's nothing degrading about it!"

However a lot of people call birthparents "real parents" which sends adoptive parents into a tiffy.

However if "everyone" does it, then how can it be insultive?

(Do you get where I'm heading?)

Biological parents are being told by everyone around them that they do not deserve the resources they need to parent ADEQUATELY, that only adoption will be the most loving choice, and that they don't deserve their parenthood. Some biological parents DON'T deserve their parenthood because they have been abusive, neglectful, focused on doing drugs, gave up their children without caring etc.

However in a larger portion of cases the biological parents were not neglectful at all, they just had less resources and the adoptive parents won the competetion of whose has "more to give"

In these cases, they should not have been robbed of their parenthood to begin with, but continually refering to them as birthparents IS degrading.

If you WANT to degrade the bioparents IE they were abusive, bad people, then I think it makes sense to use that terminology to constantly remind everyone and the biological parents that they are unworthy of their children or their parenthood.

Other wise, children can have more than one parent. It happens all the time.

It would make sense to encourage your family members to acknowledge the child has more than one mom and dad, and call all the parents appropriately.

It is strange that your family doesn't embrace "birthmother" as it seems most people in the adoption world (aside from a few biological parents themselves) seem to eat the word up. Get rid of that biological parent once of for all!! Destroy their "realness"! Take away their motherhood!

Give it all to the people with the $$

Anyways, good luck, I think a simple conversation should help. If the bio-mom was really bad to the kids, then explain that she is not really a mother because being a mother involves love and sacraficing everything for your kids.

Otherwise, just explain that you are real parents also, and there is no reason to use your first names instead of mom and dad.

Answer 16

I would simply say, we use Mom and Dad and leave it at that. and if they talk about the birth parents, say we prefer the term birth parents.

Answer 17

I can relate to you!! We have two adopted children and my husbands family does the same thing...it really drives me nuts when they refer to birthparents as "mom and dad" and talk to my children using my first name!  I am their Mommy!  

We have tried many ways, we have sat them down and explained to them that I really do not want the children to hear anyone other than us refered to as mom and dad, and that we would like to be refered to as mom and dad.   I don't know your reason for adopting, but ours was because I cannot have a successful pregnancy...so it really hurt when they didn't view me the Mama to my children.

This has helped with most of the family, the rest of the family I just always correct...I know it is rude, but we are going on a year now and I honestly think they are doing it to jab me!

Good luck!

When going through the adoption process everyone talks about the "birthmother" there is nothing degrading about it!  

And an adopted child is just as much your child as if you (or your wife) gave birth to the child!  No one can take the Mommy/Daddy relationship away from you when all the paperwork says that you are legally the parents to your child!

You are your childs parents!

Answer 18

I really think you should check with other adopters and also other adult adoptees how they have approached this situation.  Nameless-Faceless answers here will just not be as personal as this situation really is.

I think that your adopted child is a blessing to YOU but please do not come across as though this child is yours.  There is no ownership here.  Calling the natural mother anything other than mother is certainly an insult to your adopted child and to his/her mother.

Please come to some sort of compromise on this because it just won't be fair to your adopted child to leave the natural mother out of his/her life.

Answer 19

insist on it . the child is yours and they are denying it . they do not accept it as part of the family

Answer 20

Actually the word "birthmother" is wrong.

You might as well just refer to her as "breeder" if you are going to use that terminology, however if you have any respect for your CHILD whatsoever, you'll show a little more respect for the woman who created him/her.

Answer 21

I understand the importance of respect for first parents that people are expressing.  It IS crucial to an adopted child's well being that their adoptive parents and extended family show and speak respectfully of first parents.  However, it is also detrimental to the child for his or her adoptive parents to be treated as anything other than his or her parents - period.  Someone said that, as an adoptive parent, don't think you have ownership?  While I don't think any human being has "ownership" over another human being, adoptive parents have all the legal rights and responsibilities of parenthood and are complete parents.  And adoptive children deserve to be thought of and treated as complete, authentic members of their adoptive families.  

Okay, to actully answer your question.  :)   I actually think it's shocking that your family is expecting your child to call you by your first name, and I wouldn't tolerate such disrespect from them.  You definitely need to educate them.  I'm also surprised, because it's usually the opposite.  A lot of times extended families don't recognize the first parents' "ownership" and need education on how to acknowlege that.  Anyway, they do need education.  Tell them that you are Mommy and Daddy to your children, and that's what they need to refer to you as to your children.  I don't know how deep this kind of attitude runs and how much it is around your children, but it will be picked up by your children and will be toxic.  If it doesn't stop, I would let them know that you simply won't allow your children around them.  I wouldn't start with that, though.  Give them a chance to become educated and change.

Answer 22

It sounds as if your family IS doing the right things to validate the child's reality.  The child has a mom, other than what the adoption paperwork states. "Birthmom" is a clinical sounding term which is insulting to women and a term designed by the industry to attempt to diminish the mother/child relationship. The fact is all of us have mothers and fathers. Unfortunatly not all of us get to be parented by the same people who brought us into this world.

Perhaps you could examine why you feel the need to use possesive pronouns and consider their terminolgy "wrong" when in fact it is not. You've chosen to raise others' children it's not the same as 'having your own.' Pretending otherwise is a disservice to your adoptling.

Now on to being the best adoptive parent you can be....research the issues that will be present as a result of his/her separtation from family and the grief and longing that will be present. First step will be to accept the child under your roof is missing his/her mother and get over your insecurities about what you are called by others.

Answer 23

It is completely understandable for you to want your child to call you mom/dad instead of by your first name.  Especially since it seems like your child is still a baby (because of the bottle being mentioned).  You should take ownership of the child that will be yours for the rest of their life.  It's not about disrespecting the birth parents it's about respecting the child's rights to a mom and a dad.  If they were to call you by your first name then you would not be able to call them your son/daughter.  That does not sound like a healthy family to me.  There is nothing wrong with someone having two sets of parents, birth parents and adoptive parents.  To show disrespect to either would hurt the child.

Answer 24

Just try to keep it light when they do it again next time, just say, "hey, my name is dad to our baby," but say it nice and jokingly.  Hopefully they will catch on by joking, but if not you may have to sit down with them and explain that you'd rather the child know you as the parent and not their adoptive parents.