How do you handle a person like this?

Question

It would take too long to go into the years of problems with this person, but how would you handle a man who is the father of your teenaged child, who has never changed his way of dealing with anything? This is NOT an exaggeration. Nothing is his fault. Everything is mine. If his daughter tries to talk to him about anything he's done to her, he turns it around to talking about me.

She doesn't want anything to do with him, but doesn't want to "hurt his feelings, just in case he really does love me".

As a mom, I hesitate to step in and cut off all communication, and then have it come back on me later that I kept her from her dad.

But, then again, I AM her mom, and should I be keeping her from all of the mental abuse that he causes?

I think I am just too close to the situation. Also, I would like to do the right thing, as we love the Lord, and want to do what's right in His eyes.

Answer 1

I have a similar situation and I understand that it is difficult. In my case I have been dealing with someone who is both verbally and emotional abusive. I completely understand how difficult it is as a mother to watch this continue. One of the traits that I have found when someone is abusive is that they try to make it seem that it is your fault and remove the blame from themselves. I was blessed to be able to attend a free course at my local women's health center on dealing with abuse. At the time I thought that they would teach me how to make it stop, but what they did was show me how I was the one in control. We allow certain behaviors in our lives.

First and foremost, you will never change his behavior, so the only thing that you do have control over is how you react.

Teach your daughter not to discuss the past things that have occurred, but when a behavior is occuring that she is not happy with, to say "I do not deserve to be talked (treated, etc.) like that" No more discussion and then leave the room. If you try and discuss why it is "wrong", things seem to just esculate.

I would hesitate to cut off all communication, look at this instead as an opporunity to discuss this issue with your daughter and give her tools on how to deal with this. This will not be the only time that she will deal with a difficult person. Build her up to stand a little taller.

Remember that you can choose how you will react, it is difficult, but possible. I was very stubborn and I realized that if I was sitting home upset and mad, he was still having control over me and my life. He wasted enough of my time and I was not going to let that happen anymore. It was very freeing to realize that and choose to let things go. It is still hard and disappointing at times, but now I realize how sad he really is. I have choosen to take back the control that he has taken from me.

I enrolled in self defense classes (martial arts) and they have helped me build confidence again. I would suggest that you might want to do this with your daughter. It's a great form of exercise and then you can take steps to feel less like a victim and more in control.

Sorry that this is so long, but I have been through this and understand the pain, I also know that there is hope and it can come through you as you decide to take control of your reactions instead of focusing on trying to change him, or make him have some form of punishment.

Please don't forget to pray, the Lord will bless you with insite as you try and follow the promptings from Him. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers!

Answer 2

i do have a colleague fit the description that you given. nothing is her fault and never admit her mistake. this lead to frustration and she not fit to be a team player as she will just be a burden to anyone else.

i guess most properly you need to make thing clear and draw a line just for your own sake. you can't be compromising each time when situation in place? you make yourself suffer than whoever else. take lead and control in your own life.

yes, we do love each other till we are blind to see the flaws

Answer 3

The average teenager should be able to decide who she spends time with in a situation like this one.  If there is a custody agreement, your daughter should petition the courts and tell the judge she doesn't want to spend time with her father anymore.  If the judge wants to know why, she can tell him all the awful things her father has done to her.

This will do 3 things: prevent the father from pointing the finger of blame at anyone but himself, and prevent your daughter from begin hurt by this man anymore, and prevent you from having to look like the bad guy against the father.

Your main goal as a parent should be to protect your child.  Talk to an attorney.