How do you handle a "deadbeat" dad?

Question

Basically, my 6 year olds father is a deadbeat dad. She loves him so much and that is what really tears me up inside. He plays on her emotions and tells her that he can't spend any time with her because he has to work a lot to pay for child support and that if her mommy did not put him on child support he would have so much more time for her. (He does not pay the court ordered child support!!) She then comes home and cries and begs me to take him off of child support. I've never even said the words child support around her! I don't know how to respond to this.

I usually call him in private and beg him to pick her up. He will say that he's coming and never does. I end up making excuses for him like...Daddy had to work late. Meanwhile, she says to me, why don't you want me to go with my daddy!

He did not buy her anything for Christmas. I bought a couple of things and put from daddy on them and she was so excited!

Answer 1

i wouldnt make excuses for him, if he isnt going to come get her then tell him to talk to her on the phone to explain it, that way she is hearing it straight from him, i wouldnt be going out of my way to make him look good, let him buy her his own gift, soon enough as she gets older she will know truly how he is and if you lie to her all that time she will hate you for it, just be there for her and let him deal with his side, if hes  not paying the support he is suppose to take him back to court

Answer 2

He does sound like a deadbeat. My best friend's ex was like this and she just had to let the kids find out for themselves what he was like. They are now 13 and 15 and want nothing to do with him. He actually told them that he never wanted to see them again because they remind him of his old life.

I wouldn't buy any more presents and pretend they are from him because when the let down comes it will be harder if she knows that you lied to her too.

Answer 3

Missy Gilbert I know how you feel.

Doesn't it absolutely suck that we are the ones thinking of our child's best interest yet those a$$hole dads make us look like the bad guy to our kids?

You need to start doing what I've had to get in the habit of doing.   Make a diary and record EVERYTHING that is said and done.

I record every conversation I have with him, every time he says he will see her then doesn't and the excuses he uses for not showing up - in fact he was meant to see my daughter today and didn't bother picking her up from school!!  That went straight in the diary!!

I also record any behaviour my daughter exhibits after having contact with him.

Basically, gather together an arsenal against him.  If he is anything like mine I'm sure he tries to make you feel like you are a bad mother.  Mine is always carrying on about taking me to court - I don't rate his chances once the judge sees my diary!!

First thing you need to do once you've started the diary is to stop covering for him.  I know your daughter loves him (mine is the same) but she also needs to understand what's going on.  It doesn't make you "the bad guy", and you don't need to say anything nasty about him, but she will soon catch on that he's the one letting her down - not you.

This c**p has been going on for me since she was about 20 months old, and she's now 9 and it's slowly dawning on her that he is to blame - not me.

Although it's a harsh lesson, it's a necessary one.  The relationship a girl has with her father can have a BIG impact on her relationships with men when she is older - don't let her learn to be manipulated.  Let her learn for herself what he's like.

Answer 4

i took responsibility for myself ensuring that my education level would afford me a well paying job with great benefits.  i never spoke poorly about his father and encouraged the relationship.  it is hard and hurtful at times, but i am a happier person knowing that i am also accountable for our child.

Answer 5

This is a hard situation.... I know it breaks your heart to "cover" for him but you really have to stop. It will hurt your daughter, but in the long run she will realize it all....MEANTIME, love your daughter like no other and try to explain the situation to her. Don't bad mouth him or say horrible things but do not lie for him. It puts you in a horrible position...hang in there mama.

Answer 6

First off your ex is a sad excuse as a parent, sorry but I had to say it. Father's are supposed to treat their little girls like the princesses that they are, they are not supposed to play on their emotions, lie to them and break promises. A father is supposed to set the example of what a girl should look for in men when she's older. If your daughter sees that her father is playing games with her, breaking promises, and not paying attention to her, she's either a) going to go look for a guy who will treat her that very same way or b) anytime in the next few years some guy who she thinks has her best interests will go looking for love and will end up having s*x at an early age. You need to tell her the truth and let her decide on wheteher or not she wants to spend time with her dad. Is there a positive male in her life such as an uncle, older cousin, close friend of yours etc that can provide that fatherly figure; someone who will spend time with her, someone who can offer her guidance, someone who will take her on "daddy, daughter dates" etc. My bottom line here is your daughter needs a strong loving male influence in her life right away and if it can't be her dad then someone that you and she can both trust and depend on. I'm coming from experience here: My friends daughter her father is an alcholic, neglects her, doesnt spend time with her etc. So I have stepped up to the plate and became the father to this little girl; I always give her my undivided attetion, she comes to me for advice, I come to her school functions, I help her with homework. She either calls me "daddy'' or "big brother", and she does also spend time with her biodad when he actually decides to come and pick her up, but for the most part it's me thats there for her. I hope for your daughters sake she can find that man who will take her in like a daughter, give her the love and attention she deserves, teach her respect and all the good qualites to look for in boys when she starts dating. Good luck

Answer 7

stop enabling his actions by covering for his bad behavior.  When he tells her he doesn't have time for her because he has to pay child support then tell her that is what all fathers have to do to make sure their children have the things they need.  Stop putting his name on gifts and when he doesn't show up have her call him to hear his excuses.  She will soon learn the truth about his behavior.  By you covering up for him you are making it easier for him to hurt her.  Instead get other Strong male role models in her life like uncles and older cousins if possible.

Answer 8

Okay that is one bad dad. You should try to make him less grumpy.

Answer 9

Wow, you're in a tough situation.  I am in a similar boat except I've never been married and my child is 6 mos. old.  His father pretty much comes and goes as he pleases- a lot of the times not showing up at all when he says he's coming...he was a no show for baby's 1st Christmas- no gift either.  The only thing that I am able to do about it is take him to court for child support.  In your situation I think you should begin to tell your daughter the truth.  Of course she's angry because she really doesn't understand what's going on; and her father is manipulating her.  He should not be talking to her about child support.  You can try to explain to her what child support is and why he has to provide that.  I know she's only six but you will be amazed at what children know.  And as she gets older, trust me she will definitely understand what is really going on.  I wish you the best of luck. I am only in the beginning stages.....I don't look forward to having to explain to my son why his daddy doesn't come around or spend any time with him.   Welcome to the "Dead-Beat Dad Club".

Answer 10

Your ex husband is simply trying to get out of financially supporting his child so he is blaming you in hopes you will feel so bad when your daughter comes crying and blaming you that you will drop the child support order.  It is time your daughter learned the truth.  You need to sit her down and tell her that she has TWO parents who are responsible for her financial support and that her father doesn't WANT to support her as he is supposed to.  Tell her that if he wasn't paying his share to support her you'd might be living in a homeless shelter. Do NOT lie to her as you did at Christmas.  If he doesn't get her anything you simply tell her the TRUTH.  Why should YOU take the blame for her father not wanting to be responsible?  Stop making excuses for him as well.  Yes it is going to hurt her feelings but it will be HIM doing it and not you because you're covering for him.

Answer 11

you should play with her alot more take her to fun places and maybe that will help. her dad is obviously not a good father tell her you do child support too but you still have enough time to play with her

Answer 12

Tell him how much is daughter loves him and wants to spend time with him and how she is disappointed when she does not see him

Answer 13

he is definately a deadbeat.

One thing I have learned  - from my kids dad being a deadbeat father -   .. I have learned,,  that the only one that you can control is YOURSELF>    you can't MAKE him a good dad - you can't BEG him to pick up the child -     you cant BEG him to buy her things - so, now is the time to worry only about YOURSELF and your child........      it is NOT your job to defend him -  your job is YOUR relationship with your child - make it the best you can!!    as for her coming home and talking about "child support"  me personally:  I would simply say -  that "child suppport" that dad pays bought you "this"  or "this"  without it you wouldn't have those nice things.  OR,    simply ignore the conversation with her.   he's a loser - and will continue to be a loser.  Don't talk bad about him to your daughter or anything like that.. BUT, quit defending him ... that is NOT your job.  eventually -  his attitude Willl catch up to him - it will  not be your daughter paying for it if you are doing all the right things -  it will be HIM and his relationship with his daughter  -  and it will be his fault..not yours.

My EX also did not buy my son anything for Xmas - even though my son was at his house at xmas  (he bought my daughter, a gift, not my son because he doesn't visit enough)  -        I would NEVER have bought a gift and wrote daddy on it -  because   ... once again.. who lost in this situation?       ME? Nope.. My son? Nope--gifts come and go.....break and all -  but,   My EX lost - because he lost the respect of my son!!

Answer 14

I struggled with the same thing after my ex husband and I divorced.........He did divorce the kids....he signed over basically almost all of his rights to them.  When my daughter hit about 5 years old she started playing the "I want to go live with my real dad" game, and I finally had to tell her the truth.

I simply in a child's terms, explained to her that her "real daddy" knows where we live and how to come see her, but that he chooses not to.  That I am very, very sorry that he doesn't, but that there isn't anything that I can do about it.  It is his choice.  That if he does come see her, that she will have to ask HIM why he hasn't been around. She had a hard time accepting it at first, but she now hasn't mentioned him in over a year.

I am extremely fortunate that I have a loving partner, who loves our children more than life, and we've explained to my daughter that just because Daddy didn't help make her, doesn't mean he isn't her "real" dad, because he loves her so much.

Answer 15

You're in a tough situation. You should tell her the truth and even though it kills you, but don't make excuses for him. Unfortunately she needs to learn on your own and she will. It's heartbreaking, it really is. All you can do is love her enough for the both of you and support her when the time comes that she realizes what an idiot he is. I would contact mediation about him alienating you from her by saying those things about child support. Maybe they can give you some direction.

Answer 16

omg listen i went thourgh the same thing incept im a kid and my mom wasnt htere for me she did the same thing. would say child support and I am like older then your daughter  is so I kinda got to know everything. But when i asked her why she wouldnt see was because of how poor she was due to child support and i stood up to her. Please for your sake and my sake I dont know who you are but my dad is and was going thourgh the same thing as you. The same thing. Anytime you can messege me because I really wish i can help you. i dont care if i dont ge tbest answer but I want to help you with this i will help you best as possible.

Answer 17

Beat him with a stick.

Answer 18

That is heartbreaking that he treats her that way-however its not uncommon.  I would stop fixing his mistakes and lying for him. Let her hate HIM and not YOU for his selfish behavior. Dont make excuses for him anymore or buy toys on his behalf. She will end up hating you forever when you are only trying to help. Plus hes a lowlife to tell her that YOU make him work more and YOU are the reason he cant see her!

Answer 19

my dad is a dead beat dad....i think that every child has the right to see there dad no matter hoe lousy they are and unfortunatly untill shes old enough to understand alls you can do is keep mending her broken heart when he dosent show up...when shes old enough she will make her own decision about him and he will regret treating you and her so bad..... i think its evil that he uses her to try and get you to stop the child support...but you just have to explain to her that if you stop that then you may not be ablr to afford the things she likes...and dont make excuses for him...if he dosent show to see her...tell her you dont know why he didnt come and let him explain to her himself....i know it must be ghard but i was in your daughters shoes and the best thing my mum did was let me make my own decision about my deadbeat dad..if she had tryed to put me off him i would have probably gone to him more and if she had sung his praises id have hated her for makin a waster look like a angel to me

Answer 20

Deadbeat Dad.

First, talk with your daughter. Let her know that you love her very, very much. Also let her know that even though the nice people at the court ask Daddy to pay Mommy money so she can buy food and clothes for you, Daddy does not pay a penny. Now don't exactally call him a liar-even though he is one-straight to your daughter, but let her know that Daddy isn't telling the truth. Let her know that you want her Daddy to spend time with her, sadly Daddy does not feel the same way. I know she's a little young, but this is how my dad had to break it down to me when my mom became Deadbeat Mom.

Next, I know you say your daughter's dad is impossible to talk to, but write him a letter explaining how you feel about how he treats your daughter. Let him know you hate it when he tells your daughter you make him pay Child Support and let him know you told her that he doens't pay it. Let your feelings TRULY show about how you feel about this.

Now, if he doesn't respond, I suggest you get your daughter into some kind of therapy or a group for divorced kids. Talk with the court about maybe getting some scheduled times for him to see her. That way he can plan ahead for meeting her. If he doesn't show up to those, just stop even trying. When your daughter asks why she doesn't see Daddy, then tell her that Daddy is just busy now and can't see her.

It's his loss for not getting to know his daughter. Good luck and God Bless!

Answer 21

I was in a situation similiar to this. It is so hard. I decided to stop having anything to do with the father. He will hurt her in the long run, she will end up hating him even more.

My daughter was SO mad at me when she was younger. When she grew up, she was glad I kept her away from him.

I know that parents want to keep their children happy.

But sometimes life is hard and sometimes doing the right thing is not the easy thing.

You have to think of her emotional and well being first.

Sometimes you HAVE to put these things ahead of their happiness.

You know that it wont' be long and she won't be happy with him anymore. She will start to realize how he really is.

And THEN she will ask you why did you let her continue to be in that situation.

I know it's hard, I have been there, twice.