How do you handle it when there's a lot wrong with you ?

Question

the pressure is just so unbearable at times..

ive basically suffered a tortured life and existence, severe bullying and victimisation all throughout my life, countless bad traumatic times.

physical assaults, head injuries in a street attack when i lost control of rage - time in a psychiatric hospital for 18 months - a minor criminal record - sexual abuse from other minors when i was a child.

bullied throughout secondary school.

ive missed out on things like forming ' any ' relationships at all, ever.

missed out on an education or being employed - dont have any qualifications.

suffered severe low self esteem all my life; i cant form relationships because of this .....i expect more than what they want to give ( especially with females ).........i get to clingy......my low self worth makes me feel ' unworthy ' of everyone..........struggle to maintain a conversation because i feel so bad about myself etc..

presentley i live in a 1 bedroom flat, apartment on disability, i own nothing besides an old computer, a few books etc.

i have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and ptsd, i have an appointment for therapy soon.

even though i have made lots of progress from how i used to be i very much still battle with rage and aggression.....high levels of panic and anxiety which keep me inside all the time......and because i suffer with rage feelings very much i avoid going out to.....except when i need to, to pay bills etc..

i have no social support network except my aging mother, who cant do much for me anymore......and 1 good internet friend who ive known for 2 years from california.

i have pending physical problems and imperfections :

torn ankle ligaments due to an injury 1 year ago, in my left ankle....its very weak....i have to watch how i walk.....i can easily twist it and fall over......ive had a scan , now im waiting to see a therapist.

cracked, broken skin covering the head of my p***s- the skin is all torn - looks unsightly - waiting to see a dermatologist.......its unknown what it is or how to treat at this stage.

i was checked out at the sexual health clinic months back they gave the all clear, but my doctor did admit it looked unusual and so refered me to a dermatologist.

im seeing a urologist because of pains in bladder and frequent urination problems....ive had test done.....the outcome is pending.

i have atheletes foot that keeps reoccuring.

imperfections from injury :

i have a crooked little finger that droops over slightly due to an injury years ago.....a splint didnt straiten it.

i have to missing teeth ( at the front bottom row ) due to an accident years ago -

because i headbutted a stone wall when in rage one day.

i have an injured knuckle on my right hand from punching a wall years ago......i damaged the ' nerves ' in my knuckle.......i can still use it normally..........but was told nothing can be done to repair it..

i couldnt even for example do boxing training if i wanted to because i get shooting pains whenever i punch something lightly even....like a punch bag.

so there you have it, all of my problems captualised.

i do have a lot wrong with me dont i ?

im 30 now and physically aged prematurley in my face to, dark lines under eyes etc.

i live in england, my only goals now are to get a good paying job in computers then to move over to europe or to a quiet coastal town to live in peace.

but i dont no how ill achieve that at all my disadvantages.

Answer 1

Dearest soul, It does seem like you've had more than your fair share of, well, just plain c**p. Sad to say there are many, many more in this world who are in the same situation. I must say you have been very hard on yourself, and to continue in this vein is futile (injuries from explosive anger issues.) Easier said than done, I know very well. When you do seek therapy, attempt to find the root cause(s) of your anger. If you confront the pain, deal with it constructively, you'll find it's somewhat akin to popping a balloon. Not to say that it won't resurface, but you may gain the ability to use cognative skills to combat the feelings.When I feel that pressure building, I go to "my" quiet place, in my mind. When the explosion is imminent, I FORCE myself to stop, and analyze the situation. Is it worth it? My litmus test is: If, one year from today, will I remember the date, place and time this thing happened that set me off, then Yes, it is worth getting upset over. If not, then it isn't worth my time or energy, let alone any consequences. Making the DECISION to not be angry lets the air out of the balloon, and you can get on with your life and goals. Your mind is a powerful tool, use it wisely, and for your own good, not your destruction. The physical issues are secondary. (I know, they can be burdensome, but medical treatment will help.) I pray that with time, and hard work, you will find the peace within yourself, it's there, mine was. God Bless.

Answer 2

Contact the Job Centre, they have advisors to help people with disabilities train or retrain for work. They will help you look for what is suitable for you, college, learn from home etc.

Tell your GP that you want to do this, they will understand and support you.

Have you seen a physiotherapist, they could help with your ankle and maybe the finger too.

When you start to get control of your life you may find that some of your other problems (skin etc) start to heal themselves.

It's a cliche but remember the first step is always the hardest.

Good luck.

Answer 3

my friend, ((((ssshhhht)))

i remember you,

you once sent me a lovely mail that made my day

I'm one of your contacts so i've seen some of your responses and you're always really lovely to people

i'm not trying to brush aside the hardship

but

why do you say there is anything wrong with you?

i don't see anything wrong

not in your answers

not in your questions

not in your photos either

Answer 4

Your not the only one with difficulties, you seem to be playing the victims role and are too self centred.

All problems are created, psychologically and inwardly by thought.

Is not the movement of time, psychologically, the movement of thought?  So thought is time and time is fear – obviously.

There is no thinker, only conditioned thinking.

How does thinking arise?  There is perception, contact, sensation and then thought, based on memory.  Thought creates the thinker, it is the thinking process that brings the thinker into being.  Thought comes first, and later the thinker, it is not the other way round.

The way of thinking must wholly cease, for it breeds confusion and misery.  There is no better or nobler way of thinking.  All thinking is conditioned.

Life begins where thought ends.

Psycological time is invented by thought.

The origin of thinking is experience.

One of the reasons of conflict is duality.  Thought is the self, thought is the word that identifies itself as the ‘me’ and at whatever level the self is placed, high or low, it is still within the field of thought.

Thought cannot penetrate into the unknown, and so it can never discover or experience reality.

Phycological time is invented by thought.

Thought has created the me.  When the moment of thought stops there is no me.

Is there a thinker without thought?

The content of consciousness being all things put together by thought.

All forms of thinking are conditioned.

The very recognition prevents the experiencing.

Thought is the result of your conditioning, thought is the response of your memory.

Thought is always a fragment because thought is the outcome of the past and the past is a fragment of the total time.

There is contradiction and conflict between what is and what should be.

We have to find if there is action which is not the product of thought.

To look with thought and to look without thought are two different things.

Seeing without thought does not put the brain to sleep, on the contrary it is fully awake, attentive, without friction and pain.

There is no thinker, only conditioned thinking.

Our problems are created, psychologically and inwardly, by thought.

To find yourself, think for yourself.

Understanding of the self is a surer road to truth than a profound seeking after knowledge or an ideology.

If you look at what you are actually are and understand it, then in that very understanding there is transformation.

We shape clay into a pot, but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want.

Would we have any problems if the self were absent?

Beauty is where you are not; the essence of beauty is the absence of the self.

What happens when you are ambitious?

You are thinking about yourself, are you not?

Why don’t you start with what you are and not with what you should be?  Without understanding what you are, merely to try to change it into what you think you should be has no meaning.

If you don’t understand your own thinking, which is self-knowledge, whatever you think has very little meaning.

Where the self is, love is not.

Without first knowing yourself, how can you know what is true?  Illusion is inevitable without self-knowledge.

The  greater the outward show, the greater the inward poverty.

The myth, the ideal, is unreal, it is a self-projected escape, it has no actuality.  The actual is what you are.  What you are is much more important than what you should be.

You can understand what is, but you cannot understand what should be.

You do not want to see or know what is happening within yourself.  You disregard the inner and hope to build the outer, yet the inner is always overcoming the outer.  The outer cannot last without the fullness of the inner, but the fullness of the inner is not the repetitious sensation of organized religion nor the accumulation of facts called knowledge.

You must know yourself as you are, not as you wish to be which is merely an ideal and therefore fictitious, unreal, it is only that which is that can be transformed, not that which you wish to be.

If you don’t compare yourself with another, you will be what you are.

Without understanding, sorrow will continue.  Sorrow ends only through self knowledge, the awareness of every thought and feeling, every movement of the conscious and that which is hidden.

If you care so much about what others say about you, you will continue to fool yourself and lie to them.

If you listen to that flattery with complete attention, neither liking nor disliking, listen to it completely, wholly, then an image is not formed, you do not call him your friend, and alternatively, the person who insults you, you do not call him your enemy.

Even as a great rock is not shaken by the wind, the wise person is not shaken by praise or blame.

Without first knowing yourself, how can you know what is true?  Illusion is inevitable without self-knowledge.

The very conception that self-knowledge is difficult to aquire is a hinderence to self-knowledge.

If there is no experiencer is there an experience.

To bring about order outside, there must first be order within.

We react to physical dangers but not to psychological dangers, which are much more devastating.

Because we are inwardly empty, dull, mediocre, we use our relationships and our social reforms as a means of escaping from ourselves.

Self knowledge is not an end in itself.  Is there a source to the stream?

Obviously, if I do not understand myself, the whole of relationship is one of confusion in ever-widening circles.

Without self-knowledge what you think is not true.

Without understanding yourself you cannot understand reality.

The ending of sorrow comes with self-knowledge, out of that self knowledge there is passion.

When we say “I must get rid of desire” who is the entity that is trying to get rid of something?  Is it not that entity also the outcome of desire.  

Without understanding yourself, whatever you do will inevitably bring about confusion and sorrow.

One can be a light to oneself only when there is no self.

Attatchment is the me, if there is no attatchment there is no me.

Its only when we see something totally that we understand it, we cannot see it totally if there is self-centered activity that guides, shapes our actions and thoughts.

Do I know that I an a good person?  If I know it, would I be a good person?

Answer 5

breath everyone has things that are wrong with them so don't worry! for things that are physicly wrong with you, you can get pills that will make you more level headed and take away the anxiaty the pill is called lucidal its made of all natural stuff so thats good. for athletes foot they make all kind of powders. For self asteem issue you seem to be sort of taking care of it by going to the doctors but just do a little make over for yourself change what you dont like that will give you more confidence. take up boxing or something this will help you take out your anger in a healthy way. these days you can even go online to finish high school or college im not sure which one you didnt finish. go out and try to just talk to women and get a job if you dont have one its a great way to meat new people. dont think about what is wrong with you focus on the good and yes there are good things. dont complaine go fix it instead.

Answer 6

Why don't you put up another post that tells us about the good stuff in your life? There has to be something!  Even if it's just a little something..then you will see that amidst all the bad, there is some good. Try to work off of that. It's really easy for me to tell you to do this certainly because I can't follow the same direction myself.  OK yes, you've had it pretty rough, but you are still young at 30 and you are alive so you have to fight with everything you have to try to make things better in your life.  

Answer 7

Hi sweetheart

You have survived so much  And you still have goals that are important to you. The advantages are that you want to move on with computers. You're not sitting down saying "woe is me".

I have many medical problems and I just try to keep smiling and positive. Your background makes it so hard for you. But you are willing to try.

I admire you so much. I believe you can make your dream into a reality. You seem focused and that is a great first step.

Send me a postcard when you get to your quiet place. I'm 100% sure you will get there.

Answer 8

You have goals so that's how you'll achieve it. It's something you want to do, it's something you know you can do.

You'll be able to talk all this stuff through with your therapist and work the problems out and ways around them.

Also, believe it or not, there are people worse off than you. You're alive, you've got a roof over your head, you have food and water...