How do you handle the pain of losing your child?

Question

I gave birth to my baby girl on the 28th of October. I knew she would be going to her new family soon. I was unable to keep her as her father aka sperm donor is a threat to her safety plus I am unable to care for her in the way she deserves.

I know this was the best thing for her, but it hurts so much. I held her in my arms while I was in the hospital and I just feel so empty inside. My heart is missing a piece of it.

How can I go on without going bonkers?

Answer 1

GO ask the parents if you can visit the baby a couple times a week and be a mentor for your child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

Paramedic girl suggested writing a letter with a photo. I'm an adoptive parent and I really think this is a good idea. I don't know what type of adoption you have (open, closed, semi-open) but your adoption agency may be able to forward the letter. I wish I had something like this for my daughter and I think that giving of yourself like this to her would make you feel better. If nothing else, start a journal and keep writing about yourself, your history, your feelings, to give to her when you meet her in the future. Also, I like the idea Heather had about talking with other birthmothers in similiar circumstances. Please, though, if it gets too depressing seek professional help.

Answer 3

im so sorry to hear that..

just always remember that in everything we do and everything that has happend to us God  has a purpose ok..just hold on to Gods promise and he will gives u peace

Answer 4

You gave away the most precious thing in the world.

Answer 5

I'm sorry I'm going to just say it, F the father that is your beautiful God made away for you to have a healthy baby

and he will make away for you to care for her you should not give her away I would go crazy to, just the thought of giving a child away that I pushed out that grew inside of me that i will never see grow up, and who are these people ,  really that I give them my most beautiful position, your heart is already telling you  don't leave me, so don't when you held her that was the final bond between mother and child what your child deserves is to no her real mommy F daddy . Do something real crazy just keep her and love her to death God will make a way just try believe me he will.

Answer 6

Take comfort in knowing that she is going to be with a family that will love her.  I cannot say that I can understand from a mother's point of view, but I am a father of 3 girls and my ex had one that she gave up (before I met her).  She went through a lot of emotional stress.  Do get some counseling or whatever you think will help.  I know what kind of hurt you are going through.  I'm not a religious man but I will say a prayer for you.  That is really tough.  I'm sorry to hear of you having to go through this.

Answer 7

One day at a time.  

I did the same.  There is no magic pill.  It just hurts and not many people want to hear about it.  

If you want to hear more about the diff rent stages I went through email me.  I'll tell you

Answer 8

You cant worry or stress over it too much.... Your doing what is best for the child.. That is what is important...

Answer 9

First off I'm proud of you for making the right decision... and an extremely hard one at that.

I myself am adopted and know that my mother went through a lot giving me up. There may be something you can do for yourself and you daughter...

Talk to the person who finalized your adoption and ask if you could send a letter to your baby through them.... and enclose a photo of you. This way your child will know your face and will know you through a letter. Talk about yourself, your pregnancy and how you felt you needed to place her for adoption. Trust me when I say she will be thankful for it when she is older.

Lastly, talk to a counsellor. There is no shame in it at all, and it may really help you. You deserve a safe place to let it all out. Please see someone.

Answer 10

You will meet up in heaven, and love on each other for eternity.

God is there with her, so partner up with Him.  Pray to Him for her, and you may bless her in wonderful ways!!!

I'm more worried for YOU.  Is the sperm donor a danger to you?

Answer 11

seek out some counseling. You did the right thing. You loved your child enough to let someone raise her that will love her; I know it's hard but in time it will get better. Keep a journal of how you feel so when she comes to find you she can read how much you love her and what you sacrificed so she would be safe.

Answer 12

you just take a deep breath and continue on doing with what has to be done in life, you will eventually with time learn to live with it, but you won't ever get over it. that's just the way our brains are wired.

Answer 13

I suggest you get some counsling. I am proud that you realized what was best for the baby! When I was 18, I gave birth to a baby girl. However, the father had died and I could not care for this baby on my own so I gave her up for adoption, however it was an open adoption and I said when she turned 10, she could start her search for me. We were reunited and she still lives with her adoptive family, but we write, call and IM each other. She calls me Taylor and I understand why.

After I gave up my baby I went into counsling for a while and also started baby sitting again. If I couldn't be with my baby girl, I'd be with other little kids, which is what I suggest you do. Counseling really does help. Good luck and god bless and I hope one day you and your baby girl can reunite!

~Taylor

Answer 14

Speak to other mothers who have  been there

Answer 15

you made the decision that you felt was best for your baby.  and although i understand why you felt the need to do it, i can not say that i understand how you feel..

i can only (and anyone who has never relinquished) give you my perspective on what to do concerning loss.  anyone who tells you that you will "get over it" or to "think about the wonderful gift you gave" is trying to marginalize your loss.  regardless of the circumstances, loss is loss.  

i would strongly suggest counseling.  not by the adoption agency, but by an independent counseling agency or the department of social services.  most DHS agencies offer mental health services, so you should be able to find one for little or no cost.  also, i would also suggest that you join a bmom on-line group (once more, not one sponsored by an adoption agency) so that you can start to dialog with others in your shoes.

i truly wish you the best and hope you are able to find peace in your choice.

regards,

tish

Answer 16

that took allot of courage, it is so wonderful that you put your little baby girls needs in front of your own!! you have proven yourself a wonderful mother! as for support talk to your doctor maybe there is a support group in your area where you can talk to others who have been there, and know what you are going through. Talk with your friends and family they may not fully understand but they can give you support. I hope that you can find peace and happiness.. good luck to you!

Answer 17

I'm so sorry; I'm sure you did what was best for her and yourself...Other than that, I would say find someone, a professional, to talk to- or a group of other moms who cared more about their kids than they do about themselves, and like you, gave the kid a better life.

Answer 18

i don't know what to say for comfort sweetie,however,you said it all and did the right thing by saying that you are unable to care for her right now.you are very strong and will get through,the love will always be there .i can't say anything more but time does heal all wounds ok?...x*x

Answer 19

Is too painful for a father to his child unless if the child is not his.An he can't handle the pain of losing his child unless the father is corageuos.

Answer 20

Oh honey, hugs coming your way from me.  Please see a doctor and see if you can have a referral for some counselling. You have been through such strong emotions, they cant be expected to go away on there own. There is a LOT of help out there for you. Please find the strength to start the ball rolling to get what you need to look positively into the future.  x*x