How do you handle your mother inlaw?

Question

Ok so how do you co exist with a mother in law that is very protective of her only child (my husband)? She's nice to me and all but is very controlling and protective. I'm currently preggo with our first child and I feel totally controlled in some situations.

Answer 1

Depending on your relationship with her, you may have to set some boundaries. Tell her that while although you enjoy the time she spends with your family, sometimes you (and your husband as well has baby)need some space. You may have to schedule times of when she call or stop by and have a limit on the time.

If your relationship is not so close, talk with your husband to see if he can explain to her that you need space.

As far as the baby shower let your mother in law know that you would prefer that she calls your mother to save time.

Answer 2

She's probably a royal pain now but will be a heck of a good babysitter down the road. Let her play her role. You knew that before you decided to shack up with your husband. Let it be and make a good use of her while she's alive.

Answer 3

maybe you should" kill her with kindness"as they say

I am sure you are a very intelligent, independent woman who has her stuff together but you have to understand that some moms just can't let go! you will understand better when you have your own kids.

Just smile and agree with her and then do whatever YOU want to anyway.



breathe deep, get good sleep and have a stress free pregnancy AND

remember that your own mom is there for you if you need help with any thing!

Answer 4

i am deff. in your situation... i just had our first child a month ago and she wants to be in control of our life completely! It drives me crazy! I am a very laid back person with mostly laid back morals and she is extremely controlling and strong in her beliefs... so its hard for me to see things her way.. but i've just learned to let her say her part, and do things my way anyways! she really has a problem with this because "im not raising her grandchild properly or having the ideal marriage" -according to her standards and beliefs- but its the way we like it and its not her life.. (of course i wouldnt say that to her face if i were you... it will only make her more angry...) but really. let her say what she wants and then dont even let her influence your life. its you and your hubbys decision... not hers. if you must, PRETEND like you are listening and 'agree' with her but dont even think about it. do what YOU think is best for your family and marriage. thats ultimately whats most important! good luck :D

Answer 5

Very smartly and with diplomacy! start right now and you will get her to like you and hear you when you have  something to say! You have to understand that to have a peaceful existence with her, your husband & the new arrival you have to be the GLUE they will have to make it a happy home

Do not Criticize her in  front of your husband and take her into confidence should you have a problem with her son! Tell her how you feel etc,. this way she will feel involved( No not all the stuff small mundane stuff!) Give her the time to be one on one with her  son -Ask her advise for mundane stuff, so when its the  big things yo u do what you want but you have  already paved your way of seeking her advise! Get my drift??

Give her stuff to take care off, so she's out of your way when  you want her out-For ex- if you feel that she's forcing you to eat some stuff so the  baby's healthy etc, feign sickness after you eat it once! There u have  it- it does not agree with you!??

good Luck

Answer 6

It is stories like this that make me happy I don't have one.

It may get worse when you have your child. Just don't let her get away with the controlling behaviour. Why won't she talk to your mum?

Answer 7

When my husband and I first got married and he moved out of her home she was very angry with me and was very rude every time she called our home. she felt like I took her provider away and her comfort level with being home alone was killing her as well. Well one day she called while my husband was at work, I had just found out that I was pregnant as well. Well She had a very nasty attitude with me and I had to let her know that she will not under any circumstances call my home and disrespect me, after I told her that..... from that day we had a clear understanding. She never disrespected me again and that was almost three years ago. Have a sit down with her and just lay everthing out on the table as to how you feel about her.

Answer 8

i ignore mine and stand up to her when she gets over bearing  

Answer 9

The old battleax is nothing but a pain in the keester, let me tell you. We go upstairs (she can't go up any stairs, you see), when she's over, and have s*x on our old couch in the den, which has rusty springs, and makes noise through the whole house.

Well, she's actually my brother's M-in-L.

Answer 10

i've seen lot of questions about this and even to real happenings both. there are the so-called good mother in laws and the bad mother in laws. per my stand point, every human being has it's own stand point, so as your mother in law thinks that what she is doing is right and you're wrong. and this kind of situation is not only for those who are living together with their in laws but even to those who are not living together also. it's the saying that a coin has no same picture on both sides.if you think that your mother in law is like psycho and seemed to control everything, your best option is to talk about it with you own husband. and take note that some husband will still agree with their own mother than agreeing with their own wife's claim. this is a true case to most. if your husband cannot do something that both of you can go along with his mother, then you have to choose another option and bet him. either you will rent your own apartment (put up your own house) or stick with that kind of mother in law.or try to be opened with your mother in law and tell her your likes and dislikes too so as to hear hers too. who knows that in the long run, you will go along together. some mother in law do change darling. it's only a matter of how you deal with the situation you are facing now.

Answer 11

First off I suggest talking to your husband about it.  Does he like to be controlled by his mother?  If that is the case then YOU and HIM need to set some ground rules for what your relationship is about.  If he feels trapped then you both need to be proactive about YOUR relationship and see that YOU TWO are now the family.

If your mom in law is single this will be hard for her.  BUT.....

Second YOU and HIM need to confront your mother in law.  You are both adults now and it is time to be treated as such. (and by confronting the issues, you will both be acting as such)  I suggest starting with something like "WE have something we would like to discuss with you, but it will be difficult, do you have the time to talk about it now or should we talk about it Tuesday (or whenever)."  That way she knows something is important and she can prepare herself for it.

"we both love you very much and this is a difficult thing for us to talk about with you."   Make sure she knows you love her, but things need to change.  Make it clear what needs to change and what the result will be if she DOESN'T change and if she DOES change.

She will be hurt, she will lash out, or withdrawl, BUT you have to do this, not only for your relationship, but to help her grow also.

I had to do this with my own mother.  She and my husband did not get along at all....to the point where she wouldn't even come into our house when she can to visit us, if he was home. (it is a 4 hour drive)

I talked with a professional about how to deal with this situation.  He told me to deal in TRUTH.  The truth is you would like to have a relationship with your mom-in-law, or you would have written her off long ago, the TRUTH is you and your husband are adults and you wouldn't except that type of behavior from other people, so why your mom?  

I told my mom, exactly the same sentences I wrote up there.  She was willing to talk about it with ME (not him-at the time).  That was fine, since I confronted her alone first.  She and my husband did have a conversation about there boundries, but I was not allowed in on the conversation.  It was hard, but I was also willing to make sacrifices.  I told her the truth.  This works if you are christian. "THe bible says we are to cleave unto our spouce. Mom if you can't be civil to my husband I can not have you come and visit us anymore.  You will be able to see your grandchild (we had 1 kid at the time), but I will have to bring her up her to visit.  Which mnght not be as often as you would like.  I have talked with my husband and I am not asking YOU to do anything I have not asked of him.  I don't expect you two to get along, but for MY sake, I would like you to be able to be in the same room.  If this is something you feel you can't handle, again I will have to only come over here to visit, and not have you visit at my home.  My husband has said he is willing to give it a try, but these are some things that he said make it difficult for him to be around you...I listed about 3 things....like making fun of people who grew up in the country, expressing your dislike for our choice of house, and picking at his faults.  We are well aware of them, you don't need to point them out.  Is that something you think you would be willing to try?  (If Yes...great...keep going with) I know you might have a whole list, but lets just start with the top 3 right now.  Is there anything you would like him to not discuss around you?   (she listed 3 items that really make her upset when my husband talks about them).

This is great mom.  I think that things will really go well.  I know there might be set backs, but as long as we are all trying I think some great things can happen here."  

If she says NO....I can't handle these things....."I am really sorry to hear that mom.  I know this must be alot for your to take in.  I still love, and I hope that in a couple days there might be a change of heart.  I would love to have both of you in my life, but at this time I need to choose my husband and childs relationship over this one.  I love you and I don't want to, but that is what is best for me."

Of course you will have to change the wording (and the BEST THING!! would be for your husband to confront her with out you FIRST!)  She will rant about you most likely saying how could YOU do this to them and so on, but it will be good for you husband to be the one to "man up" and put a stop to this.  

ANother thing that really helped my mom was books on Empty Nesting Life and how to "Parent" adult children.  

I am proud to say my mom and husband get along and she has visited us many times since some rules have been set down.  We have had to "start over" a few times, but both have worked really hard and I am so proud of them.  

I know this is long, but I totally feel you. It is hard to marry the "mom" along with the groom (or bride in my case).  Good luck!

Answer 12

Oh don't even get me started on MILs.  The deadbeat dad walked out when I was 14 weeks pregnant...moved 3 states away, back in with his mommy and daddy.  They let him move in, and none of them ever offered financial, physical, or emotional support the whole pregnancy.  I never heard from any of them after that.....until last week.  I am 37 weeks along now and the baby is due any day, and all of a sudden the MIL and FIL want an "open relationship" with me.  Gee, it seems that they just want to see the baby, but not take any responsibility.  They should have been offering support as soon as their deadbeat son abandoned me.  

I ignore them.  They live 3 states away, so what are they going to do?

Answer 13

Tell her that if shes not grown up enough to pick up the telephone and contact your mother then you will leave all the organising to your mum and you will help her... That way your still doing the work (because really you are now helping to plan your own baby shower by passing on messages) and you dont have to be a goafer! Tell her alternatively that she and your mother can arrange a time to meet at one of their houses and do the majority from there!

I live 2 doors down from my mother in law and i've just learnt to be blunt and upfront with her.  

Answer 14

I'm fortunate in that my mother in law is on the other side of the continent - she lives in western Canada and her son and I live in my home state in Ohio. She is totally nosy and it annoys the c**p out of me. Could you give us examples to kind of back up your statements - it would be a little easier to help with specific examples!  (I will comment more if you add detail!)

Answer 15

It "kills" my Mother-in-Law that my wife and I are still together after almost 25 years. She has had a pine cone up her butt since the day she found out we were dating. I am 8 years older than my wife and she can't bear the the fact that we are still in love and my wife has not seen 'the error of her ways'.

All this in spite of the fact that we have given her three beautiful grandchildren. I also provide very well for my family and I have never raised a hand to my wife.

She rarely, if ever, speaks to me. If I answer the phone when she calls I am so nice to her that it makes me giddy. I have never acknowledged the fact that she is disdainful and rude towards me. And that drives her crazy. My wife is painfully aware of her mothers opinion of our union but it only serves to strengthen her resolve to keep our marriage exciting and vibrant. The s*x after one of her moms calls is not to be believed. If the old BIDDY knew that she'd have a flipping stroke.