How do you keep a child from turning against you for not treating them the same way the grandparents do??

Question

My best friends daughter is going on 3. Her Grandparents spoil her ALOT when they see her so when she goes back to her mother she becomes very disrespectful towards her because she is not recieving the same treatment from her mom that her grandparents give her. Can anyone suggest some parenting tips to resolve this??

ortunately my friend can't just stop keeping her daughter away from grandma completely

Answer 1

Has she asked the grandparents to "tone it down?"

I know grandparents like to spoil, but they ought to care how they are contributing to the type of person she will grow up to be and not just what makes her happy in the moment.

Aside from discussing the issue with the grandparents, she should reinforce to her daughter that Moms have a hard job and that it is easy to only do what is fun, but much hard to be a good mom and do the right thing. It will likely not make an immediate improvement, but it will sink in over time.

Answer 2

The daughter should understand when she becomes "demanding" that she gets nothing she wants. Not one thing. Once she understand that certain behavior is keeping her from her goal (whatever it is she wants, and this includes attention) then she will stop "acting out".  When she starts an episode your friend needs to look her in the eye with a serious and stern face and tell her daughter that we don't act that way and that she will not talk to her until she calms down and appologizes. Then your friend needs to follow that to the T. It won't go over well at first but once the daughter understands that she doesn't like feeling ignored and that good behavior is rewarded with attention and the stuff she wants then she will act accordingly. Good Luck.

Answer 3

Your best friend isn't suppose to treat her daughter like her grandparent's do.  She is her mother and therefore should act like her mother.  Grandparents do tend to spoil, but that is our prerogative as grandparents.  I still expect my children to parent their own children.  It is not my job and I don't intend to do it.  When my children were little and would get mad at me because I didn't treat them like Grandma and Grandpa...they would yell at me..."I hate you."  I would say, "Good...then my work here is done!"  When they couldn't get a "reaction" out of me, they soon quit playing their games.

Answer 4

I relate 100%.  I have 3 boys and grandma is my primary child care.  My 5 and 7 yr old are in school know but from 8-12 i work or am in classes so she watches my 3 year old son.

Grandparents, mainly grandmothers, have a need to spoil the grandkids whether they seem them a few times a year or every day.  Certainly it is expected if they only see the kids a few times a year, but when they see them all the time and spoil the kids so much it makes it harder on the parents.

She needs to talk with the grandparents and set up some kind of structure....things that need to be stuck to without any give and other things that are okay along with special treats.

Nap/bed time is at this time, no more than 30 minutes later if behavior is good.  If grandma is buying her all she wants at the store, ask her to please cut back to maybe once a week or to have the new toys at home for the baby for when she is there.  Snacks, have a snack time and tell them the normal snacks.  Let them know what is not acceptable for snacks and what is alright once in a while.  She needs to let the grandparents know the fight she is having with the child and that she needs their help so she can enjoy her daughter instead of trying to get through the day with her.

It's hard and though we have set our standards with grandma, she still caves in to Alex and the older boys.  Our newest thing is if we want to go out alone and they are being spoiled boys, we postpone since grandma babysitting is a treat to them.

Tell her good luck.  if talking to them does not work, she may have to try and teach her daughter that rules are different at different places.  Our home our rules, grandmas home, her rules.  That may help a bit but will take some time.  She may also decide to use some spoil techniques from grandma as special treats for the baby...you have been such a good girl at the store and by eating your dinner, lets have icecream now like you do at grandmas.  She will learn it to be a reward with her.