How do you keep from becoming the nagging wife?

Question

My husband and I were blessed with a beautiful baby boy a little over 7 months ago. At first, he was not helpful at all, but he has gotten much better since he's been spending a lot of time with us during his unemployment. We've even moved to be closer to his family... which I thought would be great for him, etc.. but it seems that he spends so much more time at his sister's house than he does at home. When ever I need him to help with the baby he claims that he's so busy playing on his computer, but if his sister calls him he's down at her house within 2 minutes. I am not jealous of his sister, but feel like he is putting her first when his son should be. My husband isn't easy to talk to sometimes. When I try to tell him things he will rant about how he is "such a jerk.. it's always my fault".. etc. We were watching a television show last night, Nanny 911-nothing on tv. The wife was a nitpicker, constantly picking. I saw myself in her.. becoming bitter and constantly picking at my husband and kids. I don't want that to happen, but he isn't making it easy. I told him that I wouldn't nag as much if I felt he was listening. I'm not usually one to ask for relationship advice, but if you have any.. can you please help? Thanks!

Answer 1

Tell him you want to a play a game and he has to repeat what you say.  So when you tell him you need help, he has to repeat what words you used.  Then have him explain to you what you are saying.  Men just don't listen.  If need be, hold back in the bedroom until he gets it.  As a joke, I was going to say if you don't want to sound like a nitpicker, sew your mouth shut.  That would be my only option.  Men need constant guidance (guidance is a better word for nitpicking) and they always assume that since we do it all that we want to, which we all know is not true.  We always appreciate the help, any help.

Answer 2

Check into their relationship because they say "Incest is best, put your sister to the test!"

Answer 3

You can't change your husband but you can change yourself.  

You can also "ask" for what you need instead of "nag".  

Try to make a list of things you would like to see him do for you and ask him if he can do them; or make a compromise.  You need to reevaluate how you relate to him.  

I know men can be really frustrating, but there are ways to get them to do what you want.  For one, just stop doing some of the things and he will have to help out.

Good luck.

Answer 4

For me i try to pick my battles. My mom nags on my dad non stop and I do not want to be like that. Some days I find myself getting that way I just have to stop and realize that my hubby is not perfect..and as much as i want him too he can't read my mind!! lol Try to let the small things go so when you do talk to him he is more likly to listen :)

Answer 5

I hate to tell you, but....lower your standards.  When he does do something...Thank him....a lot, even if the job is not up to your standards.  Leave the baby with him, he has to find his own way with him, it might not be your way, but the baby will survive. When he starts feeling more needed (especially if he is currently out of work) he will step up.

I had to thank my husband nightly for doing the dishes, even when he didn't quite finish the job...no counter wipe down or putting away dishes. After many months I then asked to switch jobs with him....for the floors, so he could be with the baby more.  this opened the discussion so I could let him know that I wanted him to put away the dishes and wipe down the counter too (imagine that!) He stuck with the dishes and does a better job.

Maybe your sister in law thanks him for his help and it makes him feel more needed....many new moms do the baby thing their way....and it makes the daddy feel unnecessary.  It is very hard...I know...but give him the baby and leave. Go for a walk, visit your sister in law (this might be really good) anything.  It was the best thing I did to let my husband know I trusted him and knew he could make decisions on his own without me telling him every little thing.

And when things around the house don't get done...try to ignore it and play with your baby.

Answer 6

You are normal!  I have a 7 month old little girl and before we had her, (she was planned too) he came to all my antenatal classes and my check ups etc.  He said im going to do this and that and when she was born he was the complete opposite!  He later admitted to me that he couldnt bond with her at first as "she did nothing" (I mean, what the h**l did he expect???).

He up until a week ago for the past 2 years was out of a job so was with me during my maternity 24/7.  Although we love each other to bits and I didnt mind him being around me before and after the birth it got to a stage where I wanted him out of my face.  Now he is at work I feel that he appreciates us more when he comes home of an evening.  Not long after the birth he was very moody and would snap at me at the slightest thing.  It was almost as if he had had the baby!!!  I was in agony after the birth for a good 6 weeks as I had stitches and piles!  Lovely eh!

He was always on his computer too and everytime I mentioned it he would snap at me.  He also picked at the smallest thing, like if I had left a cup upstairs or something on the kitchen side that needed washing up.  He even wanted me to go back to work full time and he stay at home and look after our Daughter.  I wouldnt have minded if I earned more money than him but I didnt, and I was and am still breastfeeding.

Men are such hard work and sometimes its easier looking after a baby!  I did threaten to leave him at one point and went to stay at my mums with my Daughter for a few days thinking that would have helped but it didnt really.  From the day she was born he would complain that he was tired.  What a cheek seeing as it was me getting up in the early hours and tending to her every need all day.  He didnt even work then so I thought he was a bit selfish.

Things have got a bit better now he is out earning.  His hours mean that I cant return to work next month but Im going to enjoy staying at home.  I can relax more and get on with things, see the other mums from the baby club etc now that he is out working.  We have even discussed going out for dinner/seeing a film and letting my mum look after her for an evening.

I think that we all nag, but generally dont see it.  Men make us nag, thats what they were put on the planet for!!  Im sure things will get better as time goes on for the both of us!!! x*x

Answer 7

What my husband told me to do is to make him a "Honey Do List" and he would glady do those things for me. I have yet to do-ha. It is so much better than nagging at him. It somehow seems easier to do something for someone else than your own wife.

If all else fails I suggest you sit down and make out a list of what is expected out of him and what you do.

Counseling if it gets too out of hand.

I say make an effort not to nag and to just ask and if it doesn't get done then just do it yourself and the next time write it down and say I need you to do this now.

Answer 8

I am glad you feel your son is a blessing, your marriage is too.  Being married is hard and rewarding and a struggle and.....so many things. From experience, the only person you can change is yourself. So, maybe if your attitude changes, his will too. Boy if only I could do that to.If mom and dad are happy, then the kids will be. And if he is talking  bad about himself, he is unhappy. I think you need to talk to each other and listen to one another. Playing on the computer could be an escape or going to his sister's could also be an escape. I like the honey do lists people mentioned. Mostly, what can you do for yourself? I like the Flylady web-site. She tells how you can set up a schedule and care for your self and family. And is believes in God. Prayer is my best suggestion. It helps me every day. God bless and hang in there and take care.

Answer 9

A lot of people don't like Dr Laura, but I've read both, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage". My suggestion is to read them in that order. Those are probably the best books on marriage, ever. However the fact that he starts in about what a jerk he is and so on makes me think he's not really a grown up, either. I have a great marriage and I use what I read in those books every day and yes, nagging is addressed. This is also my second marriage and I'm a little older (33) and wiser than before. I have a very appreciative and happy husband though, who will bend over backwards for me. I consider myself not as much lucky as one who has earned it too. At least you have nothing to lose by reading the books. If his behavior doesn't improve, a marriage counselor might be the next thing you want to try. Good luck to you.

Answer 10

I don't know the answer to this, but I'm going to keep an eye on your question! My husband came home from work last week and informed me that I nag him and treat him like a child bc I asked him to pick something up at the grocery store...then we were watching the same nanny 911 episode last night and I asked, "Am I that bad" to which he chuckled and said, "sometimes" Ahhh!!!! I'm becoming my own mother!

Answer 11

WOW, all men are the same!  They suck and it's in one ear out the other!

My bf also seems to choose his family over us, I think it's so messed up.  His family does nothing for our baby and he seems like that's okay!

Sorry I couldn't help but I'm just relating to you.

Answer 12

Going to be honest here, sounds like the baby wasn't planned, he escapes by playing on the computer and going over his sisters house, and he is just as unhappy as you are , just wont admit it or wants to talk about it..  so changes need to be made, on both sides, not just yours, also some advice on men, they do not think like we do, its easier to ask him to do something then just sitting there and expecting him to do it with out being asked.. Operative word asked...

Also when you talk to him, talk to him.  NOT at him.. He is not a child and does not want to be treated like one.. Same rules apply to you as well.. More over communication, both of yours are not great, because he feels it is his fault for not knowing, that goes back to you expecting him and not asking him to do something..

However as much as I type I cant teach you these things,, this is something that if things get worst you want to save the marriage , either get counseling, or get some self help books based on communication.