How do you know if someone really wants to get married, or they are just saying it to keep you?

Question

I have been with a guy for a year and a half, we recently went on holidays together and once we came home he started telling people that we were going to get married next year, and i was going to move in with him and we made all these plans to renovate the kitchen, do up the back yard etc by extending the mortgage and going halves in it, i moved in with him about 2 months ago and at first he was still telling people that we planned to get married next year (no official proposal) and the ball was still rolling with having the mortgage refinanced, but now, 2 months on, it has all stopped, he says that i am pressuring him when i talk about marriage, (yet he was the one who told everyone in the first place) and i am placing too much pressure on him with the house by getting quotes for a new kitchen and shed etc (i know if i left it up to him it would never get done), so i backed off for a bit and it has been a couple of weeks and nothing has been said about refinancing the mortgage or the renovations, a friend of a friend got engaged on the weekend and when i told him about it all he could do was grunt in a disapproving way. Now i feel like he was just saying all that stuff to get me to move in with him and now that i have moved in he has gotten what he wants so he doesn't have to bother with the rest.

I am really not comfortable living together with no active plans for the future, marriage or otherwise, and i feel like if i was to let him he would stay like this forever.

So what do i do? How do i talk to him about it? What do i say? Or do i just cut my losses and leave or persevere since it has only been a couple of months?

He was engaged once before and he told me that they were together for 5 years and she told him that they either got engaged or it was over, they got engaged and she ended up ending it anyway.

I feel like he probably would get married for me if i kicked up enough stink, but i don't want to get married under those circumstances.

What do i do?

Answer 1

This is when you sit him down and talk to him. Tell him you feel like he is not ready for marriage yet and that you moved in with him because he said he wanted to get married. Explain that by living together with no active plans for marriage you are compromising your beliefs, which is not fair. I feel the solution is to go back to dating but instead of still living there move out until there is a proposal and a plan for marriage.

Answer 2

I think you know the answer to this. He's just saying it to keep you and he probably sees marriage as a what for type of thing since he's already getting what he want and needs since you moved in.

Be careful with the mortgage and refinancing as it might get you into financial troubla as well if both your names are on it.

Answer 3

that i just not rite and it seems like he is stalling trying to get out of poping the question he might be afraid of something but either way u really need to talk to him about this its just not rite

Answer 4

Unfortunately it looks as though you already have your answer, and he has exactly what he wanted: living together with a vague assurance of marriage "someday." You need to sit down with him and have a serious talk about your feelings, desires, and doubts.

Answer 5

The best thing you can do is sometimes the scariest. You need to sit down together and tell him how you feel. Perhaps explain how confused you are because of his previous sentiments and announcements. Maybe use 'I ' words like 'I feel' etc, that way he won't feel like he is being attacked say if for eg 'you said'. He can't argue with 'I' feelings because you own them.

Think about what you would do and say if you wern't afraid to. This is obviously hurting you leaving it the way it is at the moment and you need to start putting yourself first a little bit and finding out exactly what is going on. You may or may not be happy with the answers but at least you will find out just what is going on.