How do you know if you want kids or not?

Question

My long term boyfriend and I have been around and around on the topic of children. We have been together for 9 years, he is 16 years older than I am. First we said we may or may not have children, then we said we would maybe adopt one day, then we said no, we don't want to have children. He already has a child- now a grown woman and living in another country. He says he has everything he needs in his life and a child would take that all away from him.

I do not want a child RIGHT NOW, I am almost 30. I may want one someday. My boyfrind says that if I want children, he is not the man for me.

How do you know what you will want years from now? I am afraid that one day I will want children and it will be too late.

Do you settle and go on childless, but happy with a man you love or move on in search of a man who would have a child with you one day if that was what you wanted?

Any thoughts or stories you want to share?

Answer 1

You WILL (not may) want a child some day soon - by the time you are 36. It is part of being a woman. It is inherent. If your BF says absolutely not, I would break up with him and find someone you can be happy with, with a child. Do it now while you still have some time. Otherwise in five or six years you will be scrambling to find someone, or wind up tricking him into it, which would not be good for you or the child..

Answer 2

In my late twenties and early thirties I was convinced that I did not want children. None of my friends/social circle had kids and I just couldn't see how they would fit into my life.

And then friends started to have children, I became an aunt (twice, with a third due this week) and a godmother (also twice). I started to spend more and more time with children and to see that, despite the huge challenges involved, having a family was something I definitely wanted.

I'm now 38 and have had 2 failed IVFs (still trying) - your fertility drops off sharply over the age of 35 yrs....so if you think you may want children, my advice to you would be to do something about it sooner rather than later - or it may be too late.

Incidentally, I'm single and planning to have a child using donor sperm. This is not the right decision for everyone, but I share this with you just to point out that there are other options - it's not necessarily about finding another man...

Good luck!

Answer 3

You can't settle.  It will be a huge problem later in life and cause great regret and resentment.  You may be fine with it now or even next year but eventually those feelings will catch up with you and possibly even break up the relationship anyways.  

Be true to yourself and your desires.  If that is what you want, you will find it.  Your man is to be commended for being upfront and honest now and not leading you on.  It will be hard to let him go but do it now.    You will heal and you will love again.

Answer 4

I'm sure that he is certain that he doesn't want anymore children. Since he has already had one before he knows that. Now the question you have to ask yourself is "Will I regret never having children?" You know in your heart the answer to that. The love you feel for your boyfriend will not compare to the love you will have for a child. I am married with 2 children, I love my husband but I couldnt say without a shadow of a doubt I would step in front of a bullet for him, my kids on the other hand theres no doubt in my mind. Its a hard choice but My advice to you would be seriously think about if you would regret that later on in life. I wasnt a "kid" person really but I wouldn't change having my kids for anything. They filled and empty spot in my life.

Answer 5

If you want a child, you are going to want one later. 30 is a young age, but remember you can't wait forever. You shouldnt have a child later than 40 and that's pushing it. EVen if you had a child with this man, it would be unfair to the child for they would have a father who could be their grandfather.