How do you know whether you should give up your child for adoption?

Question

I have five children from a previous marriage, and was never married to the father of my unborn twins. He has ended our relationship in order to reunite with his ex wife, and told me to "call him when the babies are born so i can see them once through the nursery window". I am in tumoil about what to do. I can't support 7 children on my own, but would be devastated to give up "my" babies. The father is completely out of the picture. It seems like whatever choice I make would be the wrong one. HELP!! The medical costs are astronomical, simply because it is a multiple pregnancy, and I'm beginning to drown under the bills, even with decent insurance.

Answer 1

I AM REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN SOME OF THESE ANSWERS! Noone can give you advice about adoption until they have gone through it themselves.  I placed a beautiful baby girl for adoption three years age.  It was the best decision I have ever made.  I was in the same situation where the guy wasn't involved and I wasn't prepared finincially or emotionally to be a mother.

I wanted my baby to have the best life.  Adoption is amazing and is the most unselfish thing you can do.  Im not telling you that's the right answer, but I am telling you that my experience with adoption has been amazing and I love my baby's adoptive family!

Answer 2

make him help you! thats what the courts are there for. im sure you can get medical and daycare help being you are a single parent now.

Answer 3

tough call , you have to decide what is best for these 2 unborn kids . like is there a better future for them somewhere else ? then what you can provide with the situation as is.

Answer 4

That is SO hard.  

Well, I listen do Dr. Laura Schlessinger A Lot!  And I would suggest you look her up and call her.  

That in mind, what I think she would tell you is that,

since you arleady have other children, it would not be good to put your current unborn babies up for adoption.  It does not send a good message to your other children.  

However, if you really cant take care of them, you may not have a choice.  There are many many adoption programs that will (for free) help you work through all of your options.  Unfortunately I dont any names, but Im sure with a little research you should find them.  

If you just dont have the heart to give them up , then dont!  You should get child support for your new babies right? When there is a will there is a way.........

This is America, there are SO many programs that can help......

Are you a religious person at all? Join a local church. I have found that there are many programs within large churches to help people in your situation.  

Best of luck

Answer 5

God promises to be a father to the fatherless. trust in him and pray and ask him for help and good things will happen.

Answer 6

This a difficult decision that only you can make.  The good news is that you do have options.  You know what it means to keep and raise your children.  Do you have a support system who can help you? Could you try to get child support from the father?  What is in the best interest of you and the babies?  Adoption is also a good option if you feel in your heart this is the right thing to do.  You could make an adoption plan that allowed for some level of contact or correspondence with the babies and adopting family.  You could select the family that felt right to you.  Some questions regarding adoption would be...Would the father be willing to give up his paretnal rights?  Is this what is in the best interst of you, your children and the unborn babies?  Making an adoption plan does not make you a bad person.  It can be difficult but also a loving, compasionate choice that in certain circumstances is the right thing to do.  I adopted a baby boy 3 years ago.  He is a beautiful, wonderful child who is the light of our life.  I could not love him more.  I have the upmost respect for his birth mother and the choice she made.  She had 2 little girls and was no longer with the father.  We still keep in touch and I consider her to be part of our extended family.  I know you have a tough desion to make.  I wish you all the best in whatever  choice you come to.

God bless.

T

Answer 7

wow sounds like a tough situation,maybe you can seek help from your local charity's or try and take the guy to court for child support. good luck

Answer 8

Even if he only wants to see the babies once does not mean that he is not obligated to pay child support.

Good luck

Answer 9

you have any true friends that could help you out? if my friend was in the same boat i would help her

Answer 10

Making an adoption plan for a child is a personal choice that only the bio parents can make.  

You said that you cannot handle 7 kids on your own.  You don't have to.  There are programs out there to help you and your kids.  Also, the father is responsible for child support and you need to fight for that.  

Adoption is always an option if you feel that you are not able to parent your child, but please consider all of your options before making a decision.

Good luck to you.

Answer 11

If you did decide to put your babies up for adoption, you could look into open adoption where they could be in your life and their siblings life. I am an adoptive child of an open adoption and love how its turned out for me. Just do your research.

Answer 12

I am not a parent, but i could never give up a child.  I don't want to tell you to do that, but if you think that they could have a better life, then mayber you should go for it.  You could always go for an open adoption, which means you pick that family, and can have contact with them and the babies.  But i think you should do some research because there are a lot of programs that will help mothers that are expecting twins, with diapers and formula.  However in the end it's your decision.

Answer 13

I'd like to share a story. My mom was unable to have any children following the death of my brother, so when my parents felt ready they looked into adoption. They ended up adopting an infant boy from a family in just about the same situation as yours.  That boy is now a 21 year old man. He has the up most respect for his bio-parents for making the choices that they did. He's a well rounded great adult that at times, I forget isn't blood related b/c that really doesn't matter.

That being said, I'm sure that his birth mother has thought about that decision everyday of her life and I cannot speak as to her feelings....

I hope you all of the best. You might want to speak to your ob/gyn about all of this, they can be very helpful.

A note-pay no attention to people who have not been in your shoes but have a mouthful to say.

If you didn't truly have the instincts of a wonderful mother, you wouldn't even be asking this question.

You shouldn't even consider child support as a factor as there is a very clear science that deadbeats have figured out that will just keep you in court for life with no pay off.

You seem like an intelligent woman, if there's a way to keep the entire family intact, I'm sure you'll figure it out. If there isn't, I'm sure that you can find the strenght you need (though God perhaps) to do what is right for your entire family. And don't forget to include yourself..

Just take your time...

Answer 14

Well for one, he will definitely have to pay child support!

There is nothing wrong with collecting welfare, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Answer 15

im so sorry

u obviously care about your kids very much otherwiseu wouldnt b asking thius question. Since u care so much, u realize that u might not be able to provide for them or give them what u think they deserve and i respect that!

im in no position to tell u what to do, but i know you'll make a good choice. if u think they deserve better than give them a chance, but u never no-you might b the best thing for them!!!

keep ur chin up hun!

~Natalie

Answer 16

Wow!!!!! This is a toughie!!!  No point telling you that you shoulda used contraception, would be a bit like closing the stable door once the horse has bolted!!!!  Dunno if I could give away any of my kids but, no offence, I wasn't silly enough to keep churning them out!!!!!!  I really think you should keep these 2 but, for goodness sake, make sure you don't have anymore by getting sterilised.  Please stop being a baby machine and concentrate on the ones you already have!!!!

Answer 17

Talk with your health care provider and your local human services dept. there are programs out there to help you with multiple birth babies. there are also manufacturing companies out there that will help with the cost also, if you go to church, talk with your minister they can help too.

Adoption is always an "Option" . But it must be something that you want to do. I believe in Adoption 100% and there are Lots of people out there that can not have children and would love to have 1.

God Bless You & Good Luck

Answer 18

Because of the nature of the issue.  I would sue his *** for everything he has.  You can do a paternity test while you are pregnant make him pay.  Then sue him for half of the medical bills.  And because you have 5 other children your income will be lower when they go to take child support and you will get an extremly high amount for the children.  They have child support calculators on there web site I suggest you go and check it out.  

The child support will always be in your favor.  Dont tell him when you have them either.  Just file papers.

Answer 19

Make him pay. See if you have relatives you can trust. A friend of mine got her daughter from a mom who was in the same situation. She went through a Pentecostal Adoption agency here in NC. She is pentecostal and it was a nice agency here in NC I believe in Ashville. The biological mom is happy and so are the adoptive parents!:-)

Answer 20

Call your hospitals financial aid office.  See if you can work out some financial payments or they may even give you a reduced bill.

Save all your tax statements, income checks, household bills, and child support if you get any.  That way you can fill out the financial aid papers quickly & apply.

Answer 21

You have answered your own question. You would be devastated if you gave away your babies. Do you have family that can help you or do you belong to a church. I wish you lived close to me I would help you any way I could. I know your heart is breaking as mine is just reading your question. The father will have to assume some of the finacial responsibilities. I know things seem hopeless now but it can get better especially when you look into those sweet little eyes. Good Luck and God Bless You!!!

Answer 22

You need to think of what would be in the children's best interest.  That is number one.  They did not get a choice to come into this world.  We are going to adopt a child because we can't seem to have one of our own.  You are very blessed to be able to have your own.  When you have these children it is going to be a struggle for you.  You need to think of the life they could have with another family that has the means to support them and give them their undivided attention.  Most adoption agencies have open adoption where you can still have some contact with the children.  If I were you I would go talk to Lutheran Social Services or maybe Catholic Social Services and find out information on how adoption works.  If you are even going to consider this, you need to have the most information you can.  I think being able to give your child to someone else to raise is the most noble thing anyone can do and those who do should be applauded.  Good luck with what ever course you choose.

Answer 23

No one can tell you what to do., but there are lost of lawyers that can help you in family court

Answer 24

I gave up my first child and it has been very hard to live with. How are you supporting 5 kids? Your babies fathers need to help you out.

Answer 25

you should never give up your kids for any reason! your kids are blessings that came from up above...

you should love them with all your heart.!! show that stupid guy you can make it with or without him... and im sure you coulde!!! dont give up!

hope i answered yur question! =]

Answer 26

Don't lose hope. It will be very difficult, but not impossible for you to keep and raise your babies if that is what you want to do. There is help available.

I am by no means going to try to talk you into keeping the children or encourage you to give them up for adoption. That is a personal choice that only you can make. It is a decision that you will live with for the rest of your days, and should be considered from every aspect of not only how it will effect your life, but the lives of ALL of your children.

I have an adopted child who is such a precious piece of my heart. I never would have had the opportunity to be the mother of such an incredible person had the birth mother decided to raise her baby alone. We have an open adoption which has allowed "our" child to know extended family, siblings, health information, and pretty much gives the availability to any unanswered questions. We were the ones who pushed for the open adoption for those very reasons.

Best wishes to you which ever way you decide to go.

Answer 27

Most women who do place for adoption, do so because they are in the same type of situation you are in - not in a financial position to raise them.  Adoption is borne out of loss.  Birthmother looses her children.  Children loose their birth families.  Even the adoptive parents experience loss.  Typically they have tried to concieve and must grieve the loss of the children they might have had.  It's not the best possible scenario, but it is often the best possible scenario given the circumstances of everyone invovled.

You need to know for sure that you can do this.  Once the paperwork is signed, there is no taking it back.  Most adoptions these days are "open", meaning you get to see your kids from time to time.  Really, the relationship is more like that of an aunt.  Ask around about good adoption agencies, and go get information.  A good adoption agency will talk you out of it if you are not okay with it.  NCHS will, if  you live in Nebraska.

Answer 28

7 children in todays economy is a lot to care for. I'm not saying that it can't be done but It is a big responsibility. The suggestion has been put out there more than once to get child support. Is the father capable of paying child support? Does he have a decent job?  That whole illusion of pay or go to jail is not all that it seems. It takes time for that to become a reality and there are ways to drag your feet so that you pay enough to keep out of jail.

I know men that don't work in order to not pay child support. Eventually it catches up with them, then they pay a small amount and again they don't have to go to jail.

In the mean time you still have to feed and cloth those babies. Since he is getting back together with his ex I assume she knows about the babies. Is it an option for them to take them and raise them? It doesn't sound promissing but it is something to think about.

I am a bio mom reunited with her daughter. Your situation is different than mine and I don't want to tell you what to do but some adoptions do have happy endings.

Answer 29

I am very proud of you, its a hard thing to contemplate that you may not be able to care for your children and to consider adoption. But I believe that it is very important to recognize that if you know that you can't take proper care of the children and give them the life they deserve- that the responsible thing is to put them up for adoption.

There are a lot on wonderful people out there waiting on the chance to adopt children and give them loving homes, good educations etc.

Fortunately in today's world, you have the option of considering an open adoption.

Friends of mine adopted their children through an open adoption agency. It means that twice a year, they get together for a luncheon with the birth family. Also throughout the year they exchange emails, and pictures  with the birth family as well.

The children knew right from a young age that they had a different "birth mom and dad" from the adoptive parents who are raising them.

So far it seems like a dream come true for all involved.

My friends have children - which are the light of their lives. That is something that would never have happend on their own. AND the birth family gets to see the children grow up - be well taken cared for and loved. AND they all get to have a relationship together.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I hope that helps. :)

I would just like to add, that although a lot of previous answerers have focused on the child support aspect -the day to day life of child rearing can be very difficult. The money is important, but it will still be you who has to do all the feedings, changings, getting up in the night, and find a way to give proper love and attention to all 7 children.

All aspects must be taken into consideration when making your decision.

Best wishes for you.

Answer 30

If you would be devastated, don't give up your babies. Sue the jerk for child support.  As far as your current medical costs, I can only suggest that you contact Social Services and find out what aid may be available to you.

Answer 31

You will know when you look your baby's adoring eyes and are able to turn your heart off to his/her plea to be with you.  That is the most truthful answer that I can give and I do not post it to be mean or cruel.  Infant attachment is from eons of biological survival.

Please spend some time researching options to keep your child.  You have 5 children, I don't have to tell you anything about the mother-child bond.