How do you leave a marriage?

Question

My husband and I have been having difficulties in our 12-year marriage, mostly related to his bipolar disorder. I recently realized that I have been struggling with the question of whether or not to stay for more than half of our marriage. We have been in marriage counseling for extended periods of time on and off for the past 6 years. Last August, he was so manic/angry/mean/cruel that I told him I wanted him to leave until he was leveled out. Well, he had nowhere to go and talked me into letting him stay. Once his meds were corrected, we went back into counseling for 3 months. Well, things are on the downturn with him again and I just don't think I can take it again. We have an 8 year old son and a 3 year old daughter. I am obsessed with leaving him. I was thinking maybe the kids and I would just leave, stay in a hotel for a few days, see if my husband can turn things around. I just feel like I can't go through it again. When he is feeling his best, he is very difficult to have a reasonable discussion with. When the disorder takes over he is just plain impossible to live with. He yells, criticizes (cruelly), he tells me how much I suck as a wife/mother/person (I know I DON't suck). On a daily basis, I wish for him to get into a car accident so I don't have to deal with him anymore. I just want to leave. Is this selfish? How do i leave? What's the first, second, third step? Please help me. Any input is appreciated.

Answer 1

I have literally been living your life for the last 7 years! It's scary how identical our stories are. I have wished for him to die because it's easier to deal with than all the emotional drama and stress leaving causes. Not to mention easier to explain to the kids why daddy isn't around anymore. They can have closure, move on , and not fault you for him not being there anymore.I suggest you pack some things up and start taking them to a relatives home until you have a safe place to go. Then step two, leave. Step 3...never look back . The hard part is over and life will work itself out with time. The details can be worked out when your stress level drops and you can think clearly. Good luck! And no, you are not being selfish, you're actually rescuing your kids from growing up thinking all parents and marriages are like this. You will tell them by leaving it isn't normal or acceptable behavior.Don't look back!

Answer 2

Here's a typical plan:

1.  Figure your financial situation. Do you work now and have your own income? If no, you need to consider your options for employment and how to get there if you don't have a car.

2.  Do you have family or friends that you can stay with temporarily.  Make sure you have a plan and you let them in on it, staying with people can get stressful real quick, but if you use the time wisely it can be a real help.  Your people or friends need to know that you are not using them, contribute somehow while there.

3.  Talk to state agencies and see if you'll qualify for help in finding a place, some non-profits and/or state agencies can help you with security deposit and sometimes even first month's rent if you qualify.  

4.  Make a connection with an abuse hotline just in case you need some quick support in a tough situation emtionally.

5.  Go interview some divorce lawyers and find out your rights, find out what their fees are (ask each one) and if they offer "unbundled" services if you think the divorce will be simple.

6.  Shoot for a day when you will leave and be prepared to have everything in order.

7.  Don't breath a word to your kids.

8.  Do not allow friends or family to get involved with him if he visits or tries to find you.  He will try to manipulate your family or friends into getting you to change your mind.

9.  Get a restraining order if necessary.

That is the basic start.  The rest I think (get a job, get a place) is pretty self explanatory.

Answer 3

It's hard to bail, but sometimes that the only way to save yourself. It's unfortunate that he's got something that is more intolerable than even a devastating physical injury or illness, but that's what happened. Some things can't be fixed. It becomes a question of if it destroys your life. First step is make a plan. You can't move with deliberation unless you know what you're going to do, and you want it to go smoothly for the kids. Consult with an attorney. Know what's going to have to be done and when and how. Your plan will have to consider money, a place to live now, how you're going to establish a permanent place, what sort of arrangements are reasonable for his contact with the kids in the short term. I say where you will stay, because you can't just toss him out if he doesn't want to leave. The attorney can make it work with enough authority to make it work. You will just get through this so much better if you know what's going to happen. There will be enough things come up unexpectedly.  

Answer 4

Do you have any family. I am in the same boat as you are. I do not have any where to go either. I have 5 kids. It is so easy for people say just to leave, but it is really hard. Trust me, I want to so bad, but I feel like I am stuck because I have no family to go too.  

If you have family go to them, if you have a really good girlfriend see if you can stay with her for a while. This will be the hardest move you will make.  I wouldnt say go to a hotel, I just do not think that is safe for you and your kids, you may run into a even worse person, then what you just left.  Find someone that will let you stay with them. Some where he can not find you. if he is like mine, Just until he can cool off from you leaving, then a couple of days then call him from a pay phone.  But, You make this move, it is very hard for a man to change with that kind of disorder, you can not be gone just for a couple of days and think it is okay to come back. I would give it months, maybe years for him to get his life in order. They will say anything to say or for you not to leave. Just keep thinking of all the bad he has done, before you go back to him or let him know where you are at.  If he wants to see the kids, do to a place that has a lot of people, dont go some where and be alone with him.  Well these are some of the things I am thinking of, I have not made the move yet.  I know you have to be so scared, like me.  and so misreable.  Hang in there and just keep your faith in GOD, He will point you to the right people. He is putting you through these hard times, because something wonderful is coming your way.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Good Luck, I know I didnt help much... I cant even help myself either out of my hole.  

Answer 5

I first suggest he gets on meds and goes to a psychiatrist until he can get himself leveled out all around for an extended period of time. He needs to learn how to keep himself under control. My husband suffers from BiPolar and he doesn't act this way. Yes he has times where he is completely down in his dark depressive states and he is up, but this whole being cruel thing has got to stop. I think that is more his personality coming out versus his BiPolar.

I believe in staying in a marriage for good, but when the other person starts being abusive in their words or actions it is time to rethink and if counseling doesn't work and he can't get himself to the doctor and get help then maybe it would be best to leave until he can.

Answer 6

I know exactly how that feels as I did the same thing for eleven years. It is forever going to be a struggle because we have three kids. Right now I am having to pay for all her bills so the kids have a place to visit their mom because she won't go get any kind of job. It is a lousy way to live life. The best advice that I can give you is to plan plan plan. Take out a secret account and start saving. Figure out what you will do and where you will live. Find support in family and friends. Don't be too proud to help yourself! It will actually make you more dignified when you are free.

There is nothing you can do to change your husband. It is not going to get better. I don't know how old you are but life is not getting any shorter. Think about the impact this may be having on your kids and use that as your motivation. Go out and look at every option. Places to live, jobs, everything. Talk to legal aid or call the free consultation lawyers in the yellow pages and get advice for a divorce. Sooner or later you will want to make the break. Take care of yourself and treat this as your secret challenge. Motivate yourself to do and not just dream. You can do it. If you need a place to vent let me know- I have worn your shoes too. Good luck.

Answer 7

Sorry to hear your having problems with your marriage.  Their usually isn't one easy answer.  It makes it even more difficult when you have kids involved.  It appears that your trying to do everything you can to save the marriage but your husband continues to struggle with his personal issues.    At the end of the day you need to do whats best for you and your kids.  If you feel their isn't any chance of saving your marriage then you should cut the ties sooner then later and not prolong the hurt for the both of you.   Please don't get me wrong, I would do everything you can to save a marriage but if you feel you've done this then you need to protect yourself and your kids.  Not sure this really helps but it always helps to talk out loud and get feed back from others.

Answer 8

your not being selfish. you  need to think about the well-being of your children and yourself.  you deserve to be happy. your children deserve to grow up in a happy home where they won't hear mom being verbally abused. dad and mom i strongly suggest that you pray that mind bonding demon off of dad..he has to make up in him that he wants to be and feel better about himself, suggest to him that he think about what hes thinking about or your going to be out.  read joyce meyers battlefield of the mind..it has helped me out a great deal...find the book read it together if the love for each other is worth it. other than that you deserve to be happy mentally and respected as a mother and wife. one other thought sometimes things that happen in our past keeps us from being the person God wants us to be...your husband needs to let go of the past understand that God loves him, his children love him and his wife loves him...you may need to give him a wake up call

Answer 9

This is a no win situation no matter. It may be about the "fear" of making it after you take the step to leave that is stopping you. You gotta stand in the fact you have decided to leave, period!  Taking action is tough as you made a commtment to "the marriage, your promise and word". You have to trust you will not die and will be fine by taking the action you want to take.  Get you ducks lined up (where you are going, finances,support) and take that leap of faith. You will be glad you did.

Answer 10

Well hey I am actually going through the same thing right now.  My husband and me have been together for 51/2 years and he has many of the same emotional abusive traits as your husband.  But it is so hard to leave.  When I think about it I love him so much and when he is in a good mood it is great. but he gets so mad easy and he wont get on meds.  My self esteem has gone down the hill since we have been together.  I know i dont suck either and I know that i do not deserve to be told i am a bad mom wife or person but I am the type that looks at the good days.  i see his heart.  It is always my fault and everytime he is wrong it because i did something wrong.  he tells me i am like a little kid all the time because i am not the best housewife.  When you find an answer let me know. e-mail me please.

Answer 11

How do you stay in a situation like that with kids?  That would be my question to you...I know that a person can have disorders, but if they refuse to get a handle on these, it crosses a line...they then use you as a "door mat" for their swings from hi to lo.  If nothing else, possibly a temporary separation, and let him know, he needs to get his under control on his own, then you two can take another look at marriage counseling.  Our emotions being pulverized are no different than fists and kicks and bullying  in a physical sense.  A person can only claim, "I'm sick" for so long, and if they refuse to get things under control...another human shouldn't have to take the ongoing abuse they dish out whenever a swing comes into play.  Its no different than an alcoholic in alot of ways.  If they keep coming home drunk and shooting their mouth off and refuse to get help, we don't think twice about leaving...So why is it okay to take emotional beatings through another "chemical disorder".   If he killed someone, he couldn't tell the court, "I have bi-polar, I couldn't help myself"...He would still go to jail  The steps go however you set them to go in your mind.  When its time to leave, you will have no doubts its time to leave and when you finally feel that peace from being away from such volitile situation, you will not be regretting what you did for the sake of your kids, and yourself.  I wish you the best.  Take care.

Answer 12

Find a good divorce lawyer that has successfully advocated for women with children and got them an equitable settlement. Start asking other divorced women if they were happy with their attorney.   Ask this attorney for an initial consultation, this will cost about $300-400.00.  Plan with this attorney and start saving your money for the attorney's divorce retainer.

With kids involved in your divorce, start stashing some money somewhere in an account and do not have the statement come to your home.  This is where you should ask a family member to keep these banking statements for you so your husband does not see them.  Build up enough cash to put down a retainer on your chosen attorney.

If he gets violent, call the police every single time.  You have to keep yourself safe.

Once you get things started with your attorney, have the attorney file paperwork with the court that demands he leave the house.  If you have documented police reports of his violent behaviors towards you and the kids than this can be more easily done.

Good luck and don't give up.

Call a local women's shelter for advice and help.

Answer 13

sorry ur going thur this... i think u only live once, life flies by so fast and why put up with sh*T when u dont have to?  

yes it sucks that ur life is like this with this man, and it sucks for the kids but who wants to raise their kids in that kind of environment?

if u dont leave for yourself, then leave for your children.

its hard living in that kind of Neg stress.  

Answer 14

You have put up with this for 12 YEARS!!!! You are a saint!!! If this is hard for you, think what it must be like for your children to have to live this way. This is no way for you or your children to live. Going to a hotel is just putting a band-aid on the problem. It's not going to go away. If you won't do it for yourself, then you have to do it for your children. Throw in the towel and file for a divorce. When he is served the papers, give him the money you were going to spend on a hotel for you and the kids and let HIM stay in the hotel.

Like you said, when he is at his best, he's difficult to deal with. Why are you staying with him? It sure can't be for the children's sake. Don't waste another 12 years of your life or force your children to have to live this way anymore. You need to end this.....NOW!

Answer 15

first you have to get a job, and then you leave.  sounds easy, right?  if only we could make it so simple.  I feel for you, and you know that there are no easy answers on this one.

Answer 16

Do you have any family that you could stay with, family support will be a big help. Are you staying because you feel as a wife it is your job to stay? I personally would leave only because life is to short to be living it miserably. Your husband needs Lots of help and will call you lots of bad names for leaving, are your kids scared of him? Good Luck on your decision but think of your happiness and your kids.

Answer 17

I think you would be selfish if you didn't leave.You can't have your 8 year old son thinking that is acceptable to treat women the way your husband has, and you can't let your daughter (even though she is 3) to think that its okay to be treated that way. If you have been trying to make it work this long and it STILL hasn't worked, you are still young and you can find someone else to love and respect you and your children.

If I were you, from experience, I would leave while he wasn't there. I would have a 3rd party serve divorce papers. If you leave while he was there he may get violent and may not let you leave. It happened to me before, so I advise anyone to do it while they are away. Do you have a close family member or friend that you can stay with until you can get a place of your own? You need to do this soon, for the sake of your children