How do you like my Song/Poem ?

Question

I wrote another poem/song that i hope you like, it's pretty specific to me, but I suppose others can relate. Most of it is pretty true except the huddled in the corner and the last stanza

Overboard

I'm alone while I'm in a crowd

Alone with the voices in my head

I'm coming to my breaking point

And you didn't hear what I said

I said that

Life is a mystery that's better left unsolved

I hope you stop yourself

Before you get involved

My life's gone overboard

And my ship sunk long ago

If it ever had a chance

I will never get to know

I'm huddled in a corner

overlooked cause no one cares

They've gotten used to it

Now all I get is glares

I've got a bad side

that easily shows

I know a secret

that no one else knows

I know that

Life is a mystery that's better left unsolved

I hope you stop yourself

Before you get involved

My life's gone overboard

And my ship sunk long ago

If it ever had a chance

I will never get to know

So now that you've seen me

There's no reason to hide

But I hope that you know

My secrets not pretty to confide

Your boat has sunk

And it rests next to mine

We've both gone overboard

But now together we're just fine

Answer 1

Almost all creative people feel alone in a crowd...it's our inheritance.

Poem/song is really to the point/specific...take out the unnessary words like a, and, the, but...it'll mean the same and then it'll be at its core value!

Good morning!

Answer 2

It's Beautiful!

Answer 3

It sounds like u r ready to jump off of a plane into a abyss of lonliness and despair. Pick up ur life and a good pair of shoes and get wit it. other than that i think u would do better writing about happy stuff.

  whomp.. whomp.. whomp...

Answer 4

Imagirl21074,

Elaine P is right. No matter who gives you good or bad reviews, when Top Contributors give you an opinion, they are constructive in nature. There are way too many prepositions (if, are, but, it...) in your work. If you can add more adjectives and adverbs within the stanzas, you will be a fine poet. I would love to hear about young poets breaking free and making new thinkers within their generation of text messaging and slang...   Grade  AAA+

Answer 5

mmmmmmm, interesting, works as a song. hopefully yu got the beat and harmony to do it justicxe... we might hear it on the charts one day, lol

Answer 6

Its hard to express the inexpressible, and that is the agony of poets, and that is what differs between their steps in the stairway of poetry.U made Ur point clearly, and expressed Ur feeling freely. Repetition  weakens the structure of Ur poem, and that goes for repeating a stanza, or repeating the same image in different words. The overall  is beautiful. Make use of Elyslund's comments, as I 'd do, in addition the the comments of the Y!A poetry(gang), they 'd support U. All U have to do is keep on writing and posting. Good luck !  

Answer 7

Feeling alone in a crowd is endemic to poets and artists. You are doing well with poetry. You might consider eliminating words that add no power to the poem: and, but, so.

I like the stanza division.

Answer 8

It's not bad, I found it a little bit confusing, but other than that it was fine with nice stanzaic divisions. I also understood your isolation. I feel it to.

suggestions:

"I'm alone while I'm in a crowd

Alone with the voices in my head

I'm coming to my breaking point

And you didn't hear what I said"

omit the "the" before "voices" in the 2nd line. It disturbs the flow. besides, your stanza becomes a tetrameter (8 syllables each line)

You restrained yourself from falling into deep cliche's, which is good. Well done, Friend.

Good luck,

Lulle