How do you like my poem, "for love of Adonai"

Question

I will say, my Adonai is "my refuge and my fortress," in

Him will I trust,

"Who am I," I say, "but a man made of dust."

However, Adonai created me in His image, in His likeness, as

My desire,

His beautiful hair like white wool, His eloquent skin like bronze and

His great eyes like blazing fire.

So, come, my One True Love, Adonai, speak to me face to face

As if I were Moses,

And let the four winds of heaven blow up to You my sweet

Smelling aromas and one million red roses.

I love You my God

Thank you!

Answer 1

The Jonas Brothers are very talented.

Answer 2

A little stilted, but I understand what you're getting at. First, the mechanics...

"In Him will I trust" doesn't sound right when it comes at the end of a statement like that. "In Him I will trust" is better, but "I will trust in Him" is how it really should be. You shouldn't sacrifice the English language in an attempt to sound King James-ian, or to make a rhyme, for that matter.

Shouldn't be a comma after "I will say". Technically, in the OT Adam was made *from* dust. You aren't dust, after all, so you aren't made *of* dust. It's a subtle difference, but sometimes that's what it's all about.

You use a lot of superfluous commas. A lot of them could be eliminated. Remember, commas imply a brief pause, so if I was to read this out loud I would be stopping briefly quite often. The delivery, as you write it, would suffer.

I don't understand the line about Adonai creating you in His image, His likeness, as My desire. Were you created as an instrument of desire? Desirable? To whom? It's confusing.

Finally, the last few lines could probably be clarified... are the four winds of heaven blowing up sweet smelling aromas and one million red roses? Or are they blowing up your sweet smelling aromas, etc? Did you mean aromas *of* one million red roses?

As far as content....

Well, I'm an atheist, so I can't really comment too much on what you're saying here, but I suppose I could offer a few words of advice.

I think that you are compromising powerful sentiment a bit by trying to make the rhyme work. Rhymes work best when there is an underlying rhythm to the work, and I'm not feeling an underlying beat to this poem... I would say that my biggest suggestion (other than what I've mentioned above, mechanically) is to explore how you can write what you feel in a way that you can incorporate your rhymes smoothly, or discard them altogether.

If I may give a suggestion...

I call on Adonai, and though I tremble in darkness

His comfort is my rock, my refuge, my fortress

Though I stumble on stones, I place my faith and my trust

In He who made man from the shards of rocks turned to dust!

etc. I'm not saying you have to use these lines, I just want you to read them and see if they sound natural to you. You want to be able to say your poetry smoothly, almost like you're talking the way you speak in an everyday conversation. If it doesn't flow, it doesn't go.

Also, you might want to consider building your metaphors. You mention dust, fortress, winds, etc, and that makes me think of the desert. Definitely a place for introspection, a place where a man can come close to death. Is there anything in the desert that smells sweet? I mean, build on your theme, use items and actions and things that relate to the subjects that you bring up in your poetry.

On an almost entirely unrelated topic, did you know that there are many segments of the Abrahamic religions that proscribe art that depicts God in a personal way? The Greek Orthodox church, I think at least the Hasidic sect, and all of the muslim sects that I know of, for instance. The idea is that depicting God in mortal form diminishes our ability to see God as eternal, infinite, and unknowable... that such art actually limits our relationship with God, instead of expanding it. I'm not saying this to criticize you, of course, it's just that it's been on my mind the entire time I've been writing this answer.

An interesting counterpoint is Rumi, a Persian mystic/philosopher who lived in the 14th century. I strongly urge you to look him up, if you haven't already. Reading his poetry evokes strong emotions in me. Probably the closest I've ever come to feeling God.

Saul