How do you live a life like everyone else when the person you loved is murdered?

Question

In 1991, the mother of my two infant sons (at the time) was raped and murdered in Baltimore Maryland by a parolee, scumbag, piece of human excriment.

She was my whole world. The first and only girl Ive ever really loved. Ive dealt with an unbelieveable amount of emotion and pain and still have not really been able to overcome it all. We were living together at the time, and hoping to get married when we saved up enough money.

I was only 19 at the time it happened. My sons were 2, and 1 years old.

The individual who did this to her was caught, convicted, and sentenced to life in prison. He hung himself in the Maryland state pen years afterward.

My sons are grown up now, and in college.

But I still feel a overwhelming amount of grief, and pain and I still have a very hard time establishing lasting relationships.

Is there anyone else in the world who has lost someone like this?

and is dealing with it and having a hard time so many years after it happened?

Or am I the only one?

It always feels like it.

So I might as well ask since I cant really talk to anyone without losing it.

I know its a long, stupid question... but why not ask right?

Answer 1

Please listen to me. When I was a kid my parents were killed, I had to struggle my way through med school to help others since that was my virtue. Bad karma kept lurking me, I could never hook up with girls or successfully socialize with all the rumors that were about me, until this day I am single. I constantly run into ignorant fools whom you wouldn't believe to the point where it's as if there IS a God punishing me since NO ONE around me deals with the same problems, they all run into me. So I became soulless, my heart turned to stone, the brain to darkness, and my virtue pessimistic. My life sucks right? Truth of the matter is I changed. Why? Because I'm intelligent (or else I wouldn't be a cardiothoractic surgeon), and because I'm a macroist. I look at the big picture, a realist, I look at the facts. Sure I am an athiest, but no one knows the truth to existence. The meaning to life, why it all happens. Trust me, I was a physics major in college, and humanity as Einstein said is never to understand it all, it's impossible. So don't think you know it all. As for me? I'm still a pessimist, but I love helping people. I'm around death all day, and I see worse, people who deserve MUCH more sympathy, even that you. Be grateful for what you have. Every summer I enlist in a program called doctors without borders to help out, help people in both physical and mental burdens. Truth is there are millions of perspectives towards life, and no one knows the right one, but the facts, truth, and realism are always the same.  I understand how love feels, or atleast what I've imagined of it...if I were you I would never forget her or re marry, because as insignificant as the single human is, when you look far enough, it's the individual that matters most. Going back to Micro-Macro concepts. But then again what do I know? I'm just telling you my life story.....I just want you to know that what you feel isn't the truth, and yes darkness will reside amongst you, but the truth is unknown, reason and logic are to be determined, and what you may think isn't always as is. Even what we can make from the little facts in life, remember to apply to facts to the entire world and then bring them back to yourself....you know only so little when so much lies in front of you.....

Answer 2

im sorry i cant help you i just wanted to say God bless and i am so sorry that this happened to your family.

Answer 3

Hi...Iylena here.  I am a Caregiver.  I got my certiications in 2002 an 2003, and presently I do In Home Care, and take care of the clients in their Home.  I just like taking care of people. What you are doing and have been doing, is taking care of the two children that you and the kids mother had planned for your lives.  She just went "Home" early.  With the person who did this gone from this existence, it has to be easier to deal with, than knowing he's out walking around somewhere, gloating or whatever.  At least he's out of the picture.  If you have ever seen Sylvia Browne on the Montel Show, or read any of her books, you would understand the age old saying that "Everything happens for a reason, and what is meant to be, will be or is, for a reason.  With so many Psychics coming out and saying the same thing, that we are here on Earth, to learn our lessons,  and take all this knowledge Home with us, it is logical, that what happened with you and your loved one, and the children you both brought into this world, was pre-written by all of you.  Everything we signed on for on this Journey Through Life, has been pre-written by us, for us to learn these lessons, to be able to go on to a higher plane, when this life is done.  When my life is done, I hope that I have done my lessons adequately, and can help other souls, because that's all I've ever wanted to do, my whole life.  My reasons for coming here to Earth have somewhat become visible to me, and although I have not had a death like yours in my life,I have wished at times, that I had never taken on this "excursion."  But I know that If I hadn't come, my daughter would have had to face her lessons alone, and without me, and I would never have let anyone else guide her through those lessons, because they were hard!  I don't think she could have done it without me, and so that's why I came here, to be with her, and to help her get through these lessons.  When you read some of Sylvia Browne's work, you will know that it is just a breath away, from being "Home" and seeing your childrens mother, and that she will be very proud of you, for finishing the job you both started.  For some reason, that unfortunate set of circumstances was pre-written, by both of you,and shielded from your memories, to keep you from carrying out this task, for whatever reason you had chosen to do it for. Most likely, a growth lesson, or a lesson to see just how much love for each other you really have.  It's hard to say, only you know the real reason, but now is the time to breathe in deeply, and say ok precious, it happened, and I'm not going to ruin the childrens lives, and try to let them get the happiness we both wanted for them.  This will  be a test of your strength, and if you can pull it off, you will be amazed, at the reward you will feel from freeing yourselves from this unfortunate incident.  Let go, and you will win, and you will waste no more heartache, pain, or lack of love, blaming this person anymore.  Let go.  The healing process for losing someone is one year.  You have carried this weight too long and it is time to let it go.  Just know that you will see ALL of your loved ones, when you get Home.  In the meantime, don't waste another precious moment blaming or dwelling on this incident, instead, use the rest of the time you have on this Earth, to show your children how much you really love them.  Use every precious minute you have left, and let all the good you have left in you come out, and show the boys how much you really, really love them, without anything holding you back, anymore.  Good Luck...Love, Iylena

Answer 4

You are not alone. Sadly, there are plenty of people that are facing the same problems as you. I'm terribly sorry. Maybe see a therapist or psychiatrist or something... you know I don't know in a situation like this...=(

Answer 5

Sorry for your loss and the circumstances that occurred.

I have never been in this situation so i cannot know what you must be going through.

I am sure there are professional bodies or even self help groups that are formed around this situation that can offer you help and support.

Good Luck.

Answer 6

This is an amazing question and a compelling "problem", I could take many, many pages to answer the question in an effort to "help", but in the end, considering it's been 17 years, anything that is said at this point may be received by some resistance and/or the typical statement of "I've tried that already", or the "if/but/and" routine...at which point, the person usually isn't ready to move on and, in some cases, typically prefers to be/live life like this.

So, first, you must admit this isn't a "stupid question", however, after 17 years, I must ask about your two sons...how have they coped? How have they not only been affected by the loss of their mother, but the inability of their father to move past some pretty severe issues after such a long time...what have you been able to teach them? Have you been a positive role model for them in perseverance, coping and modeling? Have you explained to them the idea behind purpose of some things and that some times those purposes seem inexplicable to us at the moment, yet have profound, life changing paths that can spiral a life into a different path.

I agree, it was a tough beginning to life with 2 children, in your late teens and with someone you adored and truly loved. But, think of the women that have since came into your life in an effort to help you move past this and probably had even offered themselves to you emotionally, only to be rejected by the memory of a ghost...they too have had a vested interest in this event, without even knowing the person.

Also, this may have taught you not to invest your life in the life of other people to the point where that "happiness" can be sacrificed by any myriad of events, let's face it, it was a horrific way to pass on, however, would a terminal illness been better? A drunk driving accident? Suicide? There really isn't a "preferred" way to lose someone you love, thus, when one does move on in our lives, do we REALLY understand the purpose of this life? and thus, the purpose of our deaths? In short, we are born, we live and then we die...regardless of the circumstances around it, there are people we leave behind and those people need to continue to live...of course after what may seem an "appropriate" grieving time. I'm not saying there shouldn't be time to grieve, but at what expense do we do this? Is it at the expense of us actually costing us OUR own lives, given we are ALL living on borrowed time? How much of your time have you actually "cashed in" on dwelling on this terrible moment from 17 years ago?

Time is actually the only commodity that matters on this planet, in our lives, and unfortunately, it sounds like her loss didn't teach you that live is powerful and precious, but rather that we should continue to dwell in the past and neglect the lives that we STILL have the opportunity to take part in while WE"RE still here...

You'll have plenty of time to reminisce when you meet your last minute...so, live life NOW, start to dive into the idea that life is on borrowed time, every minute of every day and begin to put yourself out there to be ABLE to love again, start to trust that it was just her time to "go home", no matter what method it was...which, in the end is inconsequential HOW someone died, because we all get the opportunity to die, regardless of it's method.

Let me ask you this...do you think she (and your family) would have been "better" off having her live after this experience with this felon? If you ask many aggravated rape victims, many have very, very difficult lives if they survive their attacker. This too would have been a very trying time, if her "life" would have taken a different path and she survived. Imagine the different types of grief, the potential trust issues, the fears, the nightmares, the temptations to end life, the mothering aspect, the wife "duties"...either way, this violation has very few positive outcomes.

If I may, without sounding crass, in some ways, this ended for the better...especially if you believe that after this ignorant, hurtful, painful world we live in we get to immerse ourselves in a spiritual life of love, hope and revivalism. Remember, we have to feel pain, so we know how good it feels to receive love...you can't have one without the other. How would you judge how cold the water is, if you've never felt warm water...there is a yin and yang to all walks.

I urge you to make that conscious choice to live life again, not to forget her memory to but to revel in her legacy...through your two sons, they seem to be the best gift she gave to you...albeit, in her absence.

peace and love,

Baldy

Answer 7

I don't know what to say but know that your story really touched me and I really feel for your loss, and I'll be thinking of you. I'm so sorry that you were put through and continue to deal with such emotional pain on a day to day basis. I cannot imagine how painful this is for you and I hope that someday you may find peace. My uncle was killed in a hit and run accident in 1997 and our family has still not gotten over how indifferent some people can truly be about other's lives. For now try to get some help from a psychiatrist, you probably feel as if nothing may help but it will help you to get your thoughts and emotions out to a real person.

Answer 8

You need to get to a psychiatrist or at the least a grief support group immediately. You are not alone in this, there are others who have experienced what you have and still others who can help you deal with it, i.e. doctors and support group members. You have suffered alone with this far too long. Please do an online search for support groups that deal with survivors of murdered relatives at the very least. You can also look in your newspaper sections to find support groups for grief and/or you can ask your doctor for a counselor or psychiatrist referral. There is more help now than there was when your suffering began, you just have to look for it. As I said, you are not alone. You just have to watch the evening news to realize that. Please get help as soon as possible. I wish you the best.

Answer 9

you know this is the most emotional question i have read on this site...I feel for you and you may or have post traumatic stress syndrome ...and i would find a group that is other people like yourself who has lost a loved one as you have...there are groups like this....I don't know what it's like to loose someone like you but i had a daughter who was raped and it took her very soul for years and it caused me great pain  i turned to drugs as well as my husband and i tell you that didn't help one bit...i pain for you and hope you take my advise and seek others so you can see you are not the only one...pray its not the answer but it is  a someone who listens and can give guidance to heal

Answer 10

It's not a long, stupid question... I really feel for you!

I don't think there's any good way to cope. I know you can't really compare a mother to a wife, but my mom was my best friend, and she died two years ago. I think the doctors at the hospital killed her, but I have no way to prove it.

When the most important person in your life passes away, I don't think you ever truly get over it. People might tell you to move on, but unless they've been through it, they have no idea what it feels like. I'm SO sorry to hear about your pain. I'd say... just focus on the good memories you had with her and try to live your life to the fullest... she'd probably want that for you.