How do you perceive marriage to be...?

Question

What is the difference between saying, "His / Her marriage" and "our marriage" ? When talking about the same two people, a husband and wife.

I know this is kind of a difficult question. Short version: My husband and I are doing just fine ... a little while ago, however, he cheated on me. (Simply put) I was having a hard time dealing with the situation. In talking with friends, family members and my husband, we decided the best thing to do, (at this point) is to see a marriage counselor. I do not want to end the marriage, or even split.. neither does he.

A friend suggested that maybe "his marriage" needs some work, but "my marriage" is working out just fine. I questioned him as to what he meant, but he had to leave before he could go into a full explanation. (Internet buddy) Does anyone understand this?

In other words, how do you perceive marriage as being His / Hers / Ours?

Answer 1

I believe the marriage is "ours" but it could be his thought on marriage or what he is putting into the marriage that your friend is referring to .. if your marriage is having problems though it is somthing that needs to be worked out together.  

Answer 2

maybe he just meant it as hes the one that needs work

but marriage is just one

Answer 3

Ours of course. Marriage is about two people, not just his or hers. When someone is talking to you, and refers to "your marriage" I think thats ok, but if youre talking about your own marriage, I dont see why you wouldnt use the word "ours."

Answer 4

meaning:  you're doing fine with the marriage and he is not.

i understand this because my fiance and i are having issues (no cheating involved) and he said that he is fine and happy in our relationship, but I'M not. so, we're working on it.

so i need help in MY relationship

and he's happy in HIS relationship

but since it's OUR relationship, we're going to have to compromise and talk, so we're BOTH happy in the relationship

Answer 5

Who cares about how you define it.....the fact of the matter is that you are not giving him all he needs....otherwise he wouldnt cheat....so figure that out, and you will have the problem licked.  

Answer 6

Actually, your friend is wrong. He is implying that the marriage the two of you are living is different for each on eof you. My take on it is that your marriage is in just as much trouble as his marriage is. He cheated and he may not have done that if he was getting from you what he felt he needed. I am not saying that his actions are justified, but they are very real. Both of you need to work on the marriage and you need to deal with the fact that you were betrayed and put to the side while your husband had an extramarital affair. He needs to deal with the fact that he really damaged and scarred a marriage and that he did something that is not okay. Do you feel that your marriage is working out just fine? Do you feel that your marriage to your husband is not mutual? The very fact that this man suggested this implies that his belief is that marriage is not a partnership and it is.  

Answer 7

There is no his or her.  It's our marriage or the marriage.  One unit.  If he is not happy, you are not happy. Is your internet buddy married?  

Answer 8

In any situation there are always 3 sides. Your view of the subject, his view and the actual view. "his" marriage relates to how he sees / feels / reacts to your life together.  We all have a history and perceptions that have been ingrained and programmed since the day we were born. No 2 people are alike. His perception of marriage is probably different to yours.

Another aspect that often causes problems is our "love" language and I don't mean physical. What is your understanding of loving your partner and is it the same as his? ie Do you vocalize your feelings or do you feel loving is doing things for the other person . Maybe your husband understands love as being wanted and physically loved instead of told etc or maybe his past experiences or programming have indicated to him that he can act differently to what you expect but haven't yet told him.

Here is an example for you...a couple had been happily married for 15 plus years and the wife had all the material stuff she wanted but her husband didn't know that he had to tell her that she was pretty and tell her how much he appreciated her ( he gave her everything she wanted - what more could she want ) and make sure that when they made love she was satisfied too .

One day she met a business colleague who in 5 short sentences fulfilling everything she needed to hear so desperately drove a wedge into her marriage that took years to repair. Communication, understanding, compromise & mutual respect are keys to a happy and long marriage