How do you plan to respond to that awful fight?

Question

My fiance and I adopted a little girl three years ago. She knows she's adopted but not too much detail yet(we told her her birth parents weren't ready to take care of a child so they let us adopt her).

However, I have a friend who adopted fifteen years ago and she said that I need to learn how to respond when she's a teenager and she screams "I don't have to listen to you! You're not my real mom!"

I'm just curious how you plan to respond to that or how did you if you already went through the fight? I'm still deciding myself as I have years to go, but I'm just wondering how fellow adoptive parents plan on responding or have responded.

Thanks in advance!

Answer 1

I think a child saying that is usually trying to use it as ammunition, and you need to be secure enough to not let it work.  For instance, say you tell your 15 year old she has to be home by 10 after a school dance.  She wants to stay out later, gets mad at you, tells you she hates you and that you're not her real mother.  I think the thing to say would be, "Right now we are talking about your curfew.  I would be happy to talk about adoption and your other mother later if you would like."  Then, at another time, make sure you do bring back up the topic of adoption.  Your child will either tell you she was just mad and wanted to hurt your feelings, or she will have legitimate adoption concerns and feelings about her first mother and will know you are open to listening.  

Answer 2

I used to say this to my parents when I was angry at them at something. As other people have said do not say "we ARE your real parents". Say something like  ""It is your responsibility to behave responsibly, just as any other teenager and we are only here to help you do that, if you would like to talk about your adoption then we can do that when you have stopped feeling angry and can talk to me calmly about it"

Then later when she has calmed down and forgotten about it follow up and say "now you are calm or have done your chore (or whatever it was) would you still like to talk about anything?". She probably won't but it's always good to do this so she knows that when she is calm and mature about it you will happily talk about any problem she has and also that when you say she can talk about it later you really mean it, my mum used to say "i dont want to talk about it now, later" and then when it was later she didn't want to talk about it then either.

Answer 3

very dear friends of ours adopted and from the first day they brought her home at six weeks her bedtime story was how they searched and searched for her and when they finally found her they promised to take good care of her and to never let her go.

she is now 30-something and has children of her own and has never ever said 'you aren't my real parents' or anything like it.  she was raised knowing she was adopted and loved.

my sister's neighbours on the other hand adopted a child and never told her.  she found out quite by accident when she was 20-something.  she was so shattered and felt so betrayed by their lack of faith in telling her the truth that she has never gone home since.  she has no interest in finding her birth parents, and refuses to speak to her adoptive parents.  she has her own family now and is quite happy with her life.  she still refuses to speak to her parents and its all quite sad. her parents are gutted over it all, her aunt who let the truth slip is gutted over it but still the adoptee refuses to speak to any of them.  

it could have been avoided by their simply telling her the truth about her birth/adoption.  

we know several people who are adopted or who have adopted and they all have learned a valuable lesson from the neighbour's story - they all tell their adopted children that they are adopted and loved and cherished!

  

Answer 4

Why wait till they are a teenager...we get these comments now and he is only in first grade.  We simply tell him that we understand that he is angry and if that is the way he feels then he has every right to feel this way...but that we are his parents and that we love him.

Answer 5

Dawacky's suggestion is very sensible.  Don't let it turn into an argument about "real parents."  Children will often say things that hurt, but as the adults, we need to look past that hurt for the moment and deal with the issue at hand.  

Just for the record, I'm adopted.  I said some hurtful things to my parents growing up, but this wasn't one of them.  So, it just might not happen, either.

Answer 6

Whatever you do, don't say anything hurtful about the birth parents.  I have heard others say that their response was "well, I am the closest thing you are going to have!"  That is just wrong, and the person that said it regretted saying it from the moment that it left her lips.  But, you can't un-say something.

I haven't had this experience yet, and I hope I never do.  But if it comes up, I would like to think that I will say something like "I understand that, but I love you just like a father, and you do need to listen to me, because I am looking out for your best interests."  

I am glad that you asked this question, because I haven't seen one like it in a while, and I would like to get the opinions of others.

We are all sort of in this together

Answer 7

Hi Tamara,

I have a 10yr old who acts like she's seventeen, LOL.  She has recently said, "I don't have to listen to you, your not my boss".  I ended up saying, "You are so cute, I love you."  Her reply, "You don't even know how to argue!"  My reply, "Aww do you need a hug?"  Silence.  I hugged her and she broke down in tears.  She passionately has a long list of complaints.  "Do you feel better?"  "Yeah, I do?!"  And that was that.  

My advice don't argue.  I'm terrified for the teenage years:P

Answer 8

I cannot speak from experience, except in the situation of a step parent. I screamed at him something very similar. However, what I said was in the heat of the moment. When it passed, I understood that regardless of genetics, he was the one that was there for me, and he was the one I could always turn to.

I suspect your parenting to this point is solid, so don't make so much out of it. And when it does happen, just let it go. So many things said in a fight aren't meant. Just say 'I love you.'

Answer 9

A lot of teenagers argue with their parents and say things they hope will be hurtful to try to get a reaction. This is really no different. It's one thing if a teenager is really struggling with adoption issues, but playing the "real mom" card in an unrelated argument is usually just an adolescent bid for attention, using the ammunition that seems most likely to affect the parents.

If your daughter is consistently struggling with adoption as a teenager, then family counseling is probably in order.

If it's really just an "awful fight," though, I suggest trying not to take it personally. The more intensely you react, the more it reinforces that this is a good way to seek attention. I would just try to stay calm, and tell her that even though you are not her biological parents, you are still her parents, and you still make the rules.

And you know, she may never do this. Not all teens, and not all adoptees, react the same way to things. It's good to be prepared, but I think it's also important not to give something like this more weight than it deserves.

Answer 10

I may not be your birth mother, but I am your mother, and I am VERY REAL!  

Answer 11

That is a very true point.  My cousin was adopted from Russia over12 years ago, he is now 15.  When he was about 12 or 13 y.o., he would say that to his Mom as well.

My son (3 y.o.) will say, "You're not my friend anymore!" to me when he gets mad at me.  So, I certainly expect for him to say the "I don't have to listen to you because you're not my real mom!" thing when he is older.  And probably if an adopted child doesn't say it, he/she may still feel it or wish they had the guts to say it.

For now, I tell him that it's alright that he's mad at me and while I'd love to be his friend, I'm his Mommy and as a Mommy, I have to make rules and help him follow them.

When he is older, I imagine myself saying something like: "You don't have to like me even though I love you.  I am the mother who has responsibility for taking care of you right now and I will always make sure I enforce what I think is in for your best interest."

Answer 12

I just wanted to say that I'm happy that you posted this question.  We're going through the adoption process and that is one of my worries!  I also wanted to thank those that answered, it's been very helpful advice. :)

Answer 13

i have said that to my mom.  only i said "you aren't my real mother.  just some nice lady that adopted me."  at the time i didn't understand how much i had hurt her.  but now being a mom myself i can imagine how i must have hurt her.  i still tell her that i am sorry for that.  i never forgot it either.  

any kid goes through that stage of hating there parents whether biological or adopted.  its just, unfortunately, a part of life.  

my son is 5 now and he told me once that he hated me.  it hurt, yes.  but i didn't flip out.  i guess its just something you have to take in stride.  it hurts when they say it but deep down they really don't mean it.  trust me!

Answer 14

I equate the "you're not my real mom" fight with the anticipated "I hate you" fight. Adopted children just have one other way to try and verbally hurt and test our patience.as parents. Fortunately we haven't experienced either yet.

The closest thing to it was several years ago when my daughter was about age 6 she wanted to go live with her nmom because I wouldn't let her have a cookie, or something silly like that. My response was "Under these same circumstances do you think (nmom name) would let you have the cookie?" My daughter knew her nmom wouldn't allow it either so the discussion was over.

It's all a test to see how us parents will react and adopted kids have an extra set of buttons to push.