How do you politely tell your friend her boyfriend's not invited?

Question

One of my bridesmaids used to date one of the groomsmen. Needless to say, it ended pretty ugly. Regardless, they can still be in the same room together without causing any problems (for short periods of time).

BUT, my BM has a new guy she's been seeing for almost a year. My fiance and I and my other bridesmaids do not like her new boyfriend for various reasons (the way he treats her, mostly), but we are nice to him and get along for her sake.

Thinking that everyone had moved beyond the whole situation, we all went out one night and the GM and the BM and her new bf were all invited. Needless to say, that night also ended ugly. Leading us to the conlcusion that, NO, we cannot all hang out together.

So, obviously we want the GM and the BM to bother be at (and IN!) the wedding. I know them both well, and I think that with just the two of them, things would be civil, if for nothing else the sake of the wedding. But if you throw the boyfriend in the mix, I'm thinking that there will be fireworks at the reception, if ya know what I mean.

The GM is one of my fiance's oldest friends, and obviously means more to us than the boyfriend does. Then again, I don't want to hurt my BM's feelings. She knows that none of us like her boyfriend, but like I said, we are adults and tolerate him for her sake. Regardless of the situation, I'd be happier if he wasn't at the wedding at all just because he's such a jerk!

So how do I politely tell her that he cannot come? I know she'll just say, "No, no, things will be fine. We won't start anything with <the GM>" but thats what they said at the last gathering, too. How can I firmly tell her that he cannot come, period. Or tell me, is this even the right thing to do?

PS - I know how juvenile this all sounds. I wish everyone could just be adults, but obviously they can't :(

Thanks a lot in advance for your answers :)

Answer 1

If all the bridal party are being allowed dates, you can&#039;t exclude her boyfriend. It is rude and, to use your word, juvenile.

Just don&#039;t have a head table and seat them at different tables.

Tell them ahead of time they are important to you and you hope for the sake of the wedding, they can put aside their differences.

Good luck.

Answer 2

You send out mixed signals. No one likes the new guy because of the way he treats her,  but you are nice to him and get along for her sake, even though he&#039;s such a jerk!

It&#039;s almost worth finding a new bridesmaid and telling her and her new man to stay home, especially if she can only tolerate the GM for short periods of time.

Otherwise you have to say He is NOT INVITED. Period.  

Answer 3

You can&#039;t...simple as that. She&#039;s been dating him for almost a year so it&#039;s not a casual date...what if they were engaged? What would you do then...same difference, Hon....and it doesn&#039;t matter if you or any one else doesn&#039;t like him, he&#039;s her choice, not yours. As far as the GM/former boyfriend, well that&#039;s life and if he&#039;s not moved on it&#039;s his problem, not your BM&#039;s or her fellow.

I can&#039;t say what her re-action will be but be prepared if you do this..if it were me I would respond by telling you calmly if my serious boyfriend is not invited, I will not attend, nor will I stand up and support a bride whose&#039;s supposedly my friend,but will not return the support I give her by respecting my right to seriously date whomever I choose...you do have the right to invite whomever you choose, to not invite those you don&#039;t want, and I have the right not to attend because of the unfair discrimination...&quot; lotsa luck.

Answer 4

You bring up great points, but the big thing here is whether the rest of the wedding party&#039;s SO&#039;s will be invited. If they are, it would be very poor etiquette to not invite the BM&#039;s BF. Besides, wedding etiquette also states that a dating couple who are in a committed relationship should be invited together. Since the BM is obviously committed to her BF, he really should be invited too. I totally understand that you don&#039;t want this guy there (especially given past situations!) as there are a few SO&#039;s of my friends that I don&#039;t particularly care for and wouldn&#039;t want them within a mile of my wedding. I would suggest taking your BM to the side and explaining to her in depth that there is to be absotively posilutely *NO* drama at your wedding if she is allowed to bring her BF. Let her know that if there is any drama whatsoever, that she and her BF will be asked to leave. Hopefully, they will have enough comon decency to not start anything at such an occasion!

Answer 5

tell your friend to let him go for a night and tell her to be with you for a night and not with him tell her you rather him not attend to this party

Answer 6

I know a lot of people have answered this question but I really hope you read this.  My wedding is this Septemebr and I just told trwo people that they will not be invited or welcome to the wedding.  It is one of the hardest things to do but you and they have to understand that this is your day (and your fiance).  You can invite and not invite whom ever you want.  I understand that she is going to be upset and hurt but I completely understand where you are coming from.  Why invite someone that is obviously going to cause drama/make a scene and take the spotlight off of you.  I had to tell my father and my soon to be brother in law that they are not welcome as it was cause us more stress and anexity and that just isn&#039;t going to work.

Please do what you feel is going to make your day the best memory you have.  Why stress over someone.  I know that your bridesmaid is going to be upset but just explain to her that you love her and you want her there to celebrate with the two of you but he is not welcome.  Apologize but NO.  GOOD LUCK HUN

Answer 7

Tell her this.  Try to explain it honestly and calmly.  Tell her you want a drama-free day and you are not willing take a chance on problems between your groomsman and her new boyfirend.  It is your wedding, so she should respect your wishes but she&#039;s probably not going to be happy.  If you really do not want this person there, you will need to be firm with your bridesmaid and tell her so.  Good luck!  

Answer 8

Not juvenile at all!!! I&#039;m having similar issues. And my soon-to-be has asked one of his friend&#039;s to not bring his WIFE!!! (Which is much worse) Remember it&#039;s YOUR wedding and NOTHING should ruin it. If simply removing the current bf does the trick, then so be it. Explain it to your friend and tell her how it is...It&#039;s YOUR day and NO ONE will ruin it, so he&#039;s simply not invited. Let her deal with it on her own time.

Answer 9

Are you allowing this groomsmen to bring a date? Are you allowing the rest of the bridal party to bring a date? If you are then you are most likely going to cause a lot of problems telling this bridesmaid that she cannot bring her boyfriend.

I understand that you are trying to avoid a potential disaster at your wedding - but I think that there are going to be a lot of hurt feelings involved in the end.

Can you ask the groomsmen just to stay out of the whole thing? It takes two to fight. Sometimes it just takes one person acting like the bigger man to calm things down.

It&#039;s not an easy decision. If you decide to tell her then you will need to deal with the fact that she might be very angry and not want to even participate in the wedding.  

Answer 10

i would just tell her that it is YOUR guys&#039; day and it is special for the TWO of you. Tell her that you do NOT want confrontation between the three people, because if there was going to be it would take away from why people are there.Which is to celebrate the happiness of the two of you. if there were to be a fight or argument it would most likely RUIN YOUR night and you dont want that. Tell her that you would like him to come but he cant because of this situation.Be nice about but she should understand that it is for the best that her bf doesnt come.

Answer 11

If they&#039;ve been dating a year, that&#039;s considered a &quot;significant&quot; relationship. It would be inconsiderate not to invite him.

When potential hotheads are invited to weddings, I typically advise the bride to assign a couple of older men, like uncles or good friend of dad&#039;s, to just kind of keep an eye on the guy. And if anything comes up, they can deal with it quickly and (hopefully) quietly. Most of the time, nothing ever happens because the guy knows he&#039;s being watched, or because his date has already threatened him enough before the event. :-)

Hope this helps!

Answer 12

If the other bridesmaids have SO&#039;s who are being invited then this gets sticky. It&#039;s easy just to not give wedding party +1&#039;s (it&#039;s really awkward to be the date of part of the wedding party when you don&#039;t know the bride and groom that well, I&#039;ve done it twice now).

Otherwise...If she insists that things will be fine, remind her that she said that last time too. If she still insists then just tell her it&#039;s because you&#039;re being a Bridezilla. However, you run the risk of her dropping out of your wedding. (It really doesn&#039;t matter how you phrase it).  

Answer 13

If the standard for your wedding is everyone invited can bring a guest, I would say sit down and talk to her about her boyfriend. Let her know how you feel and let her know you dont feel comfortable inviting her bf to the wedding. If she gives you excuses maybe invite him but let her know that if she cant control herself or her boyfriend, they will  both promptly be kicked out of the wedding reception and you will no longer remain friends with her. I say give them a second chance as she is your friend and there will be other times that the bf will be around and you cant just exclude him from everything.  Let the coordinator or security guard at the reception know to keep a special eye out for those particular guests and if they spot a problem, something should be taken care of immediately without you having to get involved. It can be a tough situation but you need to be prepared to act on it if your bridesmaid cant comply with your request.  

Answer 14

Simply tell her that it is you and your fiance&#039;s day and you want everyone to remember that special occasion, not for what might occur between her, her new bf, and the ex but because you want it to be a day full of joy and excitement. Let her know that you want people who are close to you to attend and let her know how badly you want her to be there.

Answer 15

You realize there are two separate issues here.

One is the wedding and how you want it to run without a hitch.

The second is your friendship with this woman. Maybe you need to analyze the second a bit before you make a decision on what to do. What is your relationship with this woman? How close are you? How do you define your relationship? Is there mutual trust and respect and caring and compassion? Or other things that you demand out of a friendship with someone? Has she made a habit of breaking your trust before, or respect- as you mentioned, there was the one incident in the bar where things got ugly. Did she take charge of that situation? Did someone else (e.g. you) end up picking the pieces of that mess?

Being friends with someone, close friends, who somehow ends up with someone who treats her badly is not a great situation to be in, and not easy to handle. I&#039;ve been in those shoes with a friend for almost 20 years who has been common law with an alcoholic (he will deny he is one of course because he thinks he is &#039;functioning&#039;) for almost that amount of time. She knows that I am her support system, but you know I&#039;ve been there through the times she&#039;s been threatening to leave him and she always goes back. As some people mentioned, how you handle the wedding will have longer repercussions, vis a vis, will the friendship still exist. Are you ready for those possibilities?  How many times does she have to let you down before you&#039;ve had enough?

No one here can really answer any of that for you. You chose her as your bridesmaid for a reason. Revisit those reasons maybe and figure out if you either want to not allow any of the attendants to bring +guest, or do as some suggested and have him watched the whole night and have both of them know he is being watched and they will both be removed and more than just a simple ultimatum. You need to let her know how you feel, the last time it happened you felt let down. This time you would feel really let down. And to decide if you want to continue tolerating someone and giving him the wrong message that his behaviour is acceptable or share your feelings with both of them quite candidly. It&#039;s possible to do all that in a civil way, and be the bigger person if things get ugly. If things get ugly again, you then have to ask yourself, is this the kind of friendship that I want? I find myself not respecting this person anymore. etc.

Ultimately you can&#039;t p***y foot around anymore just for the sake of &#039;keeping the peace&#039; - keeping the peace only ever sweeps these issues under the carpet, and there will always be the fear of incident. Your potential solution will have more permanent consequences than just trying to avoid a scene at your wedding, so you need to make your decision what to do with that in mind, instead of &#039;tolerating&#039; every time he&#039;s at a function with her.  You have the advantage that she is a friend, not family. Trust me on this one from personal experience, it&#039;s really a lot harder to handle this type of situation when that person is family.

Good luck! and congrats on your wedding (and sorry for the length)

Answer 16

Wow, this is a hard one.  I think your going to have to let him come but just prewarn her if anything little thing happen then they need to leave.  If you kick him out (or don&#039;t invite him), I have a feeling she is going to go with him. Are you ready to lose a bridesmaid and a friend forever?

They should be able to stay away from each other all night.  Also talk to the groomsman and tell him if anything starts to happen- get the groom and don&#039;t handle it himself.  Above is correct- it takes two to tango!

Answer 17

Here&#039;s the thing - either you tell all the bridesmaids and groomsmen that they can bring dates, or you limit their dates to just those with actual spouses, or you say that none of them can. No matter how you feel about the boyfriend, it&#039;s completely unfair to your bridesmaid to tell her that she can&#039;t bring a guest when everyone else gets to. That&#039;s personal, and she&#039;ll take it that way, and it will cause just as much - if not more - drama.

Everyone is going to say &quot;it&#039;s your special day, invite whoever, just tell her her can&#039;t come!!!&quot; But you aren&#039;t exempted from common courtesy and fairness just because it&#039;s your wedding day.