How do you politely uninvite ?

Question

Recently I was invited on an outing with a friend, lets call her Jane. Jane and another friend of mine haven't seen each other in awhile, so I thought it would be fun if we all went together. Without asking Jane, I invited my other friend. When I asked Jane if it was okay if this other friend came, she said she would rather we went just the two of us. I called this other friend to apologize profusely and say that Jane had wanted to go just the two of us. I apologized many times over and said that it was my mistake to not ask Jane first. She seemed a little put off. Did I handle this politely?

Answer 1

There is no correct way to uninvite someone.  I would have gone the white lie route with this one and to compensate I would've asked my other friend if we could do something special just the two of us.

Answer 2

No. You should have asked the friend who invited you if it would be alright to invite someone else BEFORE you invited them.  

Answer 3

Am I understanding this right? Jane invited you on an outing and then you (a guest) invited a guest of your own? Sorry, but that would be rude to both your host, Jane, and to the person you would have put into the awkward position of showing up at an outing where the host had not indicated that she (the extra guest) would be welcome. Your only option here is to "eat crow" and admit to everyone involved that you forgot your manners. Then you make it up to them with some invitations of your own.  

Answer 4

So have I got this right? Jane invited you on an outing. Then you invited someone else to go along with you on Jane's outing. It's Jane"s outing, she does the inviting not you. There is no polite way to uninvite someone.

Answer 5

A "polite uninvitation" is an oxymoron.  There is no such thing.

1. You invited another person on an outing that wasn't your idea without asking the person who invited you before doing so.

2. You invited a person whom you KNEW didn't get along with the person who invited you.

3. Then you uninvited the other person.

Very rude all the way around.  You handled this whole situation very badly.

Edit: Give me a thumbs down if you want because you think I'm too harsh.  I simply answer the questions of etiquette.  If you don't want your feelings hurt, don't ask perfect strangers on an open forum to be honest with you.  Sometimes honesty isn't very nice.

Answer 6

Yes, you handled it politely.  Even something done the polite way can still hurt someones feelings.  You made a mistake and you apologized for it, that's all you can really do.  I"m sure your friend will get over it :)

Answer 7

hmmm maybe you over apologized, and that made her suspicious that there is something more to it.  There are ways to softly uninvite people, such as a suggestion that maybe Jane needed to talk to you about something private and sensitive, and maybe you can make plans for the three of you sometime in the near future.  

Answer 8

Since Jane invited you for the outing, then yes, it was wrong for you to invite someone else without asking her first.  It would've been up to Jane to say yes or no to inviting someone else since she was the one who planned the thing.   As for the "uninvite," you handled it okay but you shouldn't have blamed Jane for the situation..."Jane had wanted to go just the two of us."    That's sort of like blaming her for the situation.  And it will probably be Jane the friend is upset with for the  "uninvite", which isn't fair to Jane.

Answer 9

I don't think you did anything rude, it was just an honest misunderstanding. I would have owned up and told the person I went ahead and invited them without consulting the others and that they would prefer it just be the two of you. Naturally the person will be a bit hurt, but you can make it up to them by offering to do something with them another time, or do something the three of you so that they don't feel that the other person is avoiding them. I would also explain the situation to your friend Jane and let her know you misunderstood and invited the other person, but that you'd like to make it up to them. Hopefully, everyone will be understanding and seek to mend hurt feelings for all. Keep in mind, there's onkly so many times you can apologize before it's time to let it go. After that it's up to the person to get over it. If it seems they are having a hard time, go right ahead and ask them how to make it up to them or offer to talk it over so they can get whatever it is off their chest.

Answer 10

Technically, your uninvitation was polite.  However, you used poor judgment and exhibited poor etiquette when you made the invitation in the first place.  

If I were you, I would be less concerned about etiquette than whether I had hurt/offended two friends -- Jane and the other friend.

Answer 11

You tried to handle it the best way possible, but really there's no way to handle it without causing sheer embarassment to your friend. Apologize as you might, your friend feels really shamed and embarassed at being uninvited - anyone would!

I think you needed to have realized that Jane wanted you both to do something together - without anyone else. Bonding time. At least now you know next time before you invite friends along on someone else's invitation, you should clear it first.

Answer 12

Sometimes a little white lie seems to be the best option.  I probably would have said, "Karen, something has come up and Jane & I can't do lunch on Monday.  How about if we try again later on in the week."  

Answer 13

There isn't a polite way to un invite someone.  I hope you learned to keep your lip zipped from here on out.  If nothing else because of sheer embarrassment. Shame on you, this wasn't your deal, it was Jane's.