How do you potty train a neglected 8 year old?

Question

I adopted an 8 year old girl, whom was taken from her birth parents because they neglected her. She's 8, and not potty trained. They just didn't teach her. I tried, but she FREAKS at the mere mention of the potty. I have no clue what else she went through, but I don't even know where to start.

Answer 1

How does she freak at the mention of it? Does she not want to do it because she is scared of it? If so, you might want to try contacting a behavioural therapist. Such a therapist would be able to help both you and your daughter to gradually ease her fear by introducing different "potty-related" scenarios by working from low-fear situations to high-fear situations, and eventually to potty-use situations.

I am not sure if you are using a toilet or a small plastic potty, but maybe she is afraid of the toilet itself? You could try substituting the toilet for the potty and see how she reacts to that situation. Let her adjust to the potty before moving her to the toilet.

Another thing you could try, though it may be an uncomfortable situation for you, is to show her that YOU use the potty and it doesn't hurt you. Maybe after watching you use it, she'll understand that potty won't hurt her and she'll want to try it herself.

Answer 2

Aww poor little girl. Just try to talk to her about it or get a school conselor to talk to her. I'm so glad you took her away from that. Good for you and Good Luck

God Bless you.

Answer 3

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Answer 4

Counseling required obviously, but I'd like to offer PRACTICAL SUGGESTIONS as well.  If she is frightened, then you want to reduce the anxiety as much as possible.  Perhaps the location, "the bathroom", is adding to the stress, or perhaps the "toilet" itself.  You can purchase a free standing "toilet" in heath supply stores, that doesn't look like the traditional scary thing in the bathroom that flushes and makes odd noises.  Perhaps a toilet like the elderly use beside their beds, would go over better.  Maybe she would feel more comfortable being potty trained in her bedroom.  The style used by the elderly, can also be equipped with extra add ons.  I remember the small, shallow plastic liner that the sent me home with after I gave birth, they said it could be used for a sitz-bath.  What I'm thinking is, that if you have a "liner" added on, she may feel less threatened if the "hole" in the toilet doesn't look like something that she could "fall into".  Perhaps, a standing toilet wouldn't have the water swirling around, so it wouldn't look threatening.  Perhaps a standing toilet along side her bed, with dry, absorbant material in the bottom, would look less threatening than the plain white bottomless pit.  Distraction techniques like eating, drinking, and watching T.V. in her bedroom while she's on the toilet, might help her to relax, and allow things to just happen more naturally.  She may also simply need more time to get to know you, and learn that you can be trusted.  Above all else, a calming voice, and perhaps calming music.  Avoid stress, in creative ways.  Sometimes presenting the idea in a way that is as different from what she originally thought was scary, can solve the problem.  Perhaps the idea of removing clothes is part of the problem.  Start your requests then, just during the normal times when clothes are changed, from pj's to day clothes, or visa versa.  So that it seems more routine, and have her sit down on the free standing toilet at her bedside so that you can put her shoes on, her socks on, etc.  Be aware, I'm fairly sure that these free standing toilets are available in child sizes in addition to the adult sizes.  Choose one from the catalogue that looks least like the scary kind.  You want something "user friendly" as image counts.  Some are so well disguised, that you'd never know that there were toilets.  Good Luck !

Answer 5

I think it's going to take a lot of patience. Obviously you are not going to be able to expect her to be developmentally normal, probably ever.

It's true that before a child can learn they have to have other needs met. She doesn't feel safe yet about the toilet, and you're right, you don't know what she's been through, so you don't know why. Anyone who has been abused will always have trust issues, but you're going to have to work hard to gain that trust. It's absolutely vital to your relationship.

Start slow and offer incentives. Try not to indulge her fear but be sensitive about it by never blowing your cool.  It is quite probable that she also needs to work with a therapist, and a good one at that, one who will take a team approach with you for right now.

I think this is probably just the tip of the iceberg, but the trust is the bedrock of your relationship and you helping build her into a competent adult. Don't expect miracles, but don't be afraid to pray for them. This will be a frustrating experience because you are going to feel like you are working very hard to get very little gain, but remember that just your willingness to do this is so very vital to this young woman's life. She may understand one day how much you love her, but don't expect her to even accept your love (or anyone's) for now, or give hers. Remember that the whole notion of someone caring for her is completely foreign to her as is the notion of trust, but on some instinctual level she knows she needs it.

God bless you both and best of luck to you.

Answer 6

You need to take her to a doctor that can help...

Answer 7

I would take her to a doctor.

Answer 8

I really think that you will have to take her to a therapist to help her with this problem.  This is not just that she hasn't learned it sounds more psychological.  Maybe she was sexually abused when she was younger and this is her way of having control of her own body.  I don't know for sure but I think that a therapist could be a really big help for you in this matter.  Good luck to you.

Answer 9

I assume she is going through counseling?  If not, immediately start a counseling program, and bring this up with the counselor.

Start by introducing books and videos for kids that talk about using the potty chair.  Make a "rewards board" and hang it in the potty room, and everytime she sits on the potty, put a sticker on the board.  Have her watch you use the potty (my son really got interested by watching his dad and I so he could "reward" us when we went).  When she fills the board (5 or 10 times) she gets a special treat or prize.

Is she in pull ups or regular diapers?  Try getting some "big girl" panties and using rubber pants over them so she feels it, and realizes that it is a yucky feeling.  If part of the neglect was that she was already soiling herself in regular underwear, this won't work.

Unfortunately, neglected children have many issues, and if you don't know the background, you may have a harder time than if she was a toddler.  

She may be a little big for a special potty seat, but you can try buying the basic seat covers that fit on top of the potty for her, so that it isn't such a big hole.  Have her sit for a few minutes every 1/2 hour to hour to get her used to it, use lots of praise, excitement, and don't be harsh if she is afraid or scared.

I really think the counseling thing is a big part of this, they might be able to help you figure out what her potty issues are.

Good luck, God bless you for adopting her!

Answer 10

Wow that's incredible. I feel for your situation. I worked with SED children for a couple of years and have never come across this situation. Does she have any developmental disabilities? I'm assuming here that she's extremely undeveloped just from the lack of exposure to so many things that we all take for granted. Also seems that she's built in a fear based response to the whole potty issue. This is a really hard one because there are so many variables. My thought is that the success of this child is purely going to be built on your relationship and your ability to connect with her. The relationship is the foundation that will absolutely determine your future. I know it's outrageous to not be potty trained at this point in her life...but maybe that's just too much too soon since you're just getting to know eachother. If I was in your shoes I would do everything I could to establish a bond and then build on that trust. I would also ilicit the help of her therapist. She's probably been thoroughly tested...if they've stated that her developmental capacity is, for example,  that of a four year old then I would treat her accordingly. I applaud you for taking on this daunting task. I wish all the best to you and your new daughter.

Answer 11

You need a pediatric psychologist.

Great resource:   www.nami.org.

TX Mom

Answer 12

put them on a toliet and say poty over and over

lol

Answer 13

Wow - this makes you wonder if something really horrific happened to her on or near a toilet.  How long have you had her?   More people like you are needed in this world.  When you adopted her,  you really bit off a lot to chew.  Thanks for helping kids that need nurturing.

Answer 14

You may want to talk to a school counselor to see what suggestions they have for her. The only I can think of is some sort of reward chart; like each time she uses the toilet she gets a prize from a small prize bag (fancy pencil, stickers, etc) and when she gets 10 or something she gets to choose what the family has for dinner or something like that.  Good luck-

Answer 15

An 8 year old is old enough to talk to. Clearly she got some potty related abuse but at this point she should be able to figure it out logically. Be patient with her and giver her unconditional love. She may not want to use the potty because it's not her potty from the home she's used to.

Answer 16

Get professional help.

Answer 17

Tell her thats how big girls potty. It'll wotk

Answer 18

The poor child! That is horrible! Try to make it a positive thing... Congratulate her for getting on the potty, reward her, never shout, scream or anything like that.

She must have a bad trauma linked to the potty -- she probably is afraid.

You'll have to reassure her. May take some time, tho

It won't be easy. She's very lucky she has you to take care of her from now on, and you have all my respect for doing that.

Answer 19

Good luck! I can't imagine... :( Poor thing! Can you ask her why's she's so afraid... and show her how her dolly's can go on the potty and they are okay? Something like that to start out slow...

Answer 20

You need to start with a professional.  She needs to seek counseling so that you can find out some of her deeper issues.  Other than that, take it one day at a time.  Just like toilet training a toddler, it won't happen until they are ready.  If she's literally scared to death of the potty, then its just not the right time to push the issue, especially considering her situation.  Take it VERY slow.

Answer 21

It sounds like you are going to need professional help with her.  This is a very serious situation and responsibility you have taken on,  and I don't think asking for help on YA is going to get you very far.  I wish you and her the best.

Answer 22

I would try and talk to a psychologist about this if I were you, she may have gone through some serious abuse is she's so terrified of the potty, and you may need some guidance and support in helping her get past this.

Good luck. You're doing a wonderful thing by taking her in, and you know she'll always think of you as her angel.

Answer 23

Give it time, read up on it, talk to a pediatrician.

It might take her awhile to get used to you, and the whole idea, she never knew any better and is probably very confused.

Answer 24

try introduce her to the toilet....show her there is nothing to fear (dont force her to do anything though) and when she sees there is nothing to fear tell her you are going to make a reward chart say you give her a star each day she has no accidents and goes to the toilet....then after a week give her something small then do again this time reward after to weeks and slightly bigger present and then four weeks without accident get her a big present show her that going to the toliet is good....

Answer 25

wow, poor thing! I'm glad you took her away from that!

try taking her to a child therapist, im sure thats crossed your mind by now.  Best of luck to you both!