How do you "get over" being cheated on?

Question

I have been married to my husband for 7 and a half years now. We first met in Oct of 2000, when I was 20, I was actually going to get something from my cousin's house and there he was sitting there looking all gorgeous. Come to find out he, at the time, worked with my sister and my cousin. I gave my sister my number to give to him and we hit it off immediately. I, at the time, had a 1 and a half year old daughter. They fell in love immediately, and she is very picky whom she likes. My daughter's father ended up being a dead beat. I was 17 when I met him and I got pregnant at 18, I didn't believe in abortion so I had her. Well her father ended up being a complete moron and didn't take responsibility, blah blah, you all know that story. Back to my husband, after meeting in Oct we fell so much in love that we were married in Feb of 2001, which was 4 months after we met, I know it was very soon, but we were soooo much in love and young lol. We made it work though. Well, a year into our marriage I had this really crazy feeling that something was going on. You know the signs, ladies, all in the guys actions. So one day I decided to come home from work early and sit outside just too see what's what. When I got home he wasn't there and I didn't think anything of it. Well about 30 minutes later this chick comes driving down the driveway with my husband in the passenger seat. I am not a ghetto person so I just let him get out the car and let her pull off, I didn't want to jump to any conclusions and end up embarrassing myself. I waited for him to notice me and the look on his face was "OOOOH SNAP" (not really but you cant curse). So I asked him who she was and she was a "friend"! So I dropped it. Well about 2 months later I couldnt hold it in anymore and I said, "are you cheating on me, because I know already so you might as well just admit to it". After tears and tears and more tears he finally confessed to having oral s*x with this girl and nothing more. I left him for a few days and then we talked it out. Went out to dinner and I let it go. Well, so I though, I still had this crazy feeling that he was lying to me. Well, a year later, after confronting him again telling him my feelings that he was lying to me (I did that for about 4 months straight), he finally confessed that he had s*x with this girl. Now 7 and a half years later, we have a good marriage, we fight alot but just about stupid stuff, nothing too serious. I love him and he loves me, we have a 2 and a half year old son together and things are going great. However, I find myself less attracted to him sometimes. I just cant really get over what happened with that girl. It's been about 6 years since that happened and 5 years since I found out about it but I cant let it go. It sort of consumes me sometimes and I start fights with him and it gets bad. He is a stay at home dad, he freelance fixes computer, I make enough money that he can stay at home, but in order for him to "show me that he will never hurt me again" he stays at home ALL THE TIME now. He doesnt have friends, he doesnt socialize, it's crazy. I dont know what to do because I absolutely adore my husband but I am afraid of what my mind will keep me thinking about. Can anyone help?!?

Answer 1

you have to give your heart time to heal it is good that the two of you worked it out it is hard trust me I now you will never get  over it you just have to regain the trust you started off with and it could take time sometimes it helps to talk with him about lt him know what is going on you need to express how you feel with him.  Make him understand  

Answer 2

I think your doing what I find alot of people do in relationships after they've been screwed over a time or two...Your assuming the worst...

In any relationship your suppossed to assume it to the most fulfilling prophecy. By expecting the worst, you think your saving yourself any future disappiontment, but in reality your settling and just setting yourself up for it because your not living for now in which case you cant expect yourself nor your husband to be happy. Eventually you want to fully trust your husband again and Im sure he'd like you to do that as well. So you have 2 choices: You either learn to trust your guy again, or you realize that your guy will never be trustworthy. Which ever you decide its going to require your time and patience. Because of the past problems I understand you having this trust issue, but if you love him like you say you do perhaps he deserves a second chance and you should go with choice one and learn to trust him again. Even if it hurts your going to have to let him off the leash a little because its the only way your relationship will progress. You've got to accept and move on from the past or else your marriage will suffer in netural.

Answer 3

Forgiveness. You have to forgive and let it go. You are still holding on way too tight. Every time you get upset about it you are giving your power away. Be confident in yourself. Know you are a good person. If he cheats again it will not be the end of you as a person. You can not control anyone but yourself.  

Answer 4

Time heals all wounds...but since your still with him it is going to be hard to stop thinking about it. If you guys really love it each other and you have a feelings it'll never happen again, you should be ok. I really hope the best for you! I don't know if talking to him about it will help.

Answer 5

Honey, before you can start to forget about htis, you have to forgive your husband. Obviously you haven't forgiven him and he seems to be sorry about it. fi you're still keeping this in your heart after 5 years honey then you're heading for heart trouble. Please ask God to forgive you first of if not, just let it go. You are still hurt. Talk to your husband and tell him how you really feel. If possible cry it all out especially in the evening. If you are able to forgive him and preveent yourself from thinking about it evrytime, then you should be able to forget about it. And also if the going gets tough, try to see a professional for help, Good Luck!

Answer 6

That's such a personal thing.  It's almost impossible to give you advice on how to stop thinking about it.  If you can't afford individual therapy or don't have the time then you can always pick up some books.  I just went to Amazon & searched infidelity.  Here are some that might help you work through the issues.

http://www.amazon.com/Infidelity-Surviva...

http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-R...

http://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Betrayal-...

http://www.amazon.com/First-Aid-Betrayed...

http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Infideli...

http://www.amazon.com/Unfaithful-Rebuild...

Answer 7

either get over it or continue to be the victim in all this.  the choice is all yours.  things like this are hard to get passed, but you can if you get some help.  you'll never get over it but you can survive it.

Answer 8

You need to start going to marriage counseling.  It might not save your marriage but it certainly won't hurt it  

Answer 9

Sweetie you never get over someone hurting you and betraying you like that so you only learn to live with it if you choose to stay. You made that choice years ago and if he has been sorry and truthful since you have to let it go for the marriage to work. I understand how horrible this has made you feel because I would have been devastated to. Only you know him and if you can trust him to be right to you from now on? It does not mean that you will ever forget it but that you will try by working through it with him as long as he never cheats on you again if he does he needs to know that the relationship with you will be over. Maybe the both of you need to go trough some marriage counseling together to understand how you can both get through this? It couldn't hurt so that you are given the skills in making better memories of the two of you over the top of it.  

Answer 10

You'll never really be over it... I mean it is going to be at the back of your mind until the end of time. What you need to do is forgive him. You keep picking fights with him, which isn't fair. He is at least trying to show you that hes not going to hurt you again, but you're still picking fights about it. You either need to leave him or move on with your life.

But, you can't keep punishing him if you wanted to come back, knowing he cheated on you. Its not fair to you or him.

Answer 11

How do you get over being cheated on... Well, how do you get over anything? Loss of a loved one, a betrayal, a disability? You have to accept it as a part of what you've been dealt in life. No matter what happens to a person, it's always possible to imagine something worse. Life throws crazy stuff at you sometimes, but you can't let it derail you. Yes, there's always a possibility that either you or him will fall prey to temptation or find someone else. When you're in a relationship, there is ALWAYS this possibility and this risk, you just can't get around it. Whether or not it has happened in the past is irrelevant - there's always the first time, nothing is guaranteed. If you can't accept this risk, you won't be able to have a functional relationship - it will always eat away at you. Imagine if you fretted every time you had to get into a car because you'd think about a (very real) risk of being in an auto accident; your life would be a misery - you would be consumed by your fear of driving. Would your concerns be realistic? Yes, of course. Driving is inherently dangerous, and a lot of people do get injured and die in car accidents. I personally know two people who died through no fault of their own in drunk driver accidents. But you have to go on, you have to function, you can't let your fears run your life. You get over things by confronting your fears and then combating them systematically - first by admitting the risks are real, and then by reminding yourself that they are worth it. You want to be in a relationship, you want to be with this person - right? Then the risk is definitely worth it. At least, I think it is. It's perfectly ok to decide that it's not worth it to you - and choose to be single and unattached. But I think in the long run, all of us want the companionship of this one "special person", and with this come not only rewards but risks as well. You just have to make peace with it eventually. By keeping the painful memory alive instead of putting it to rest, you are going to make your marriage a self-fulfilling prophecy. Accept the risk and move on.

Answer 12

if you are going to forgive him, THEN FORGIVE HIM!!!! you cant say you want to make the relationship work, yet keep brining it up. no onder wy he secludes himself. do you think he was a virgin before you were married??? he messed up, and he seems sorry. if you cant get over it then you two need to split up, why make yourself so miserable after all these years????? wierd.....?......

Answer 13

Time heals nothing. It's what you do with that time that makes the difference. You have to understand that you are in a different place now than you were then, and that he isn't the same person. He grew and he matured. he realized what mattered in his life and he bent over backwards to prove it.

He has decided to make you and his family his life. On some level that seems to bother you. You are in a rut in your relationship, that's why this is on your mind all the time and why your find yourself less attracted to him sometimes. You need to get out of the house together, make some friends, and become friends with each other again. It seems that by him trying to prove his loyalty to you by giving up his life, he isn't the man you fell in love with anymore. If you can get out and have fun together again, that will spark the emotional connection that seems to be breaking right now. Then you will think less and less about the past and will look forward to the future.