How do you raise a healthy adoptee?

Question

Emotionally healthy that is...

I'm just thinking about the "little adoptees" and future adoptees out there, If I were a POP or AP (i'm actually getting the hang of this) some of things on this site would worry me. We all want our kids to grow up healthy and happy. Advice?

Answer 1

Like you would raise any child--biological or adopted.  Children need to feel loved and secure.

Not meaning to offend anyone but I don't like that statement either, "as you would your own".  My adopted child WAS my own child and I was her real mother--the one who was there for her every step of the way, loving and supporting her.

Understand there may be issues later.  All children will have issues regardless if they are adoptive or biological.  Be supportive, and again, they need to be sure of your unconditional love.  That's the most important thing.

Answer 2

It's a great question with no answer.  To raise an emotionally healthy child you simply have to be a decent parent.  No parent is perfect.  No child is perfect.  If you adopt an infant that is healthy and get the child directly from the hospital it is all on you as the parent.  If you adopt a toddler or older child the emotional damage is probably already done when they come to you.  All you can do at that point is continually remind the child to live in the present and future through many different means of communication.  If they have nightmares soothe them by telling them that they are safe NOW.  Ensure them that YOU won't allow anyone to hurt them.  If they are afraid of authority figures (police, firemen, etc.) like men in particular or doctors or whatever, you have to make them believe that you will make sure that the authority figures in their lives will not mistreat them NOW, because you won't let them.

You have to be prepared to deal with whatever comes up whenever it comes up and be willing to walk them through it hand in hand.  Then what happens is up to them and their desire to be healthy and happy.

This isn't just true of adopted children.  For any person to grow up emotionally healthy and happy they have to participate in their own healing process.  They have to have people around them that love them and make them feel safe.  And they have to know that no matter what they say or do or how they act, just because someone is angry at them doesn't mean they no longer love them.  Teach your kids that love is permanent.  Even if you get so angry you don't speak for years, the love is always there waiting for you to come back to it.

Anyway, that's my opinion.  I grew up as a birth child in a home where my dad beat the c**p out of my mom daily for years until she finally got up the courage to make it stop.  Talk about emotional problems.  On the other hand my grandparents lived right next door and when the fighting would start we would sneak out of the house and creep across the lawn where they would be waiting for us.  They had to put another bed in their bedroom because we wouldn't sleep in another room alone.  We woke up to quilts warmed over the heater to be wrapped in and stood on a warmed quilt in front of the heater one at a time while our faces were washed and her hands washed and our hair brushed and we were dressed and sat down to a full breakfast (just like little princes and princesses).  The bottom line is just the difference of going back and forth every day was enough to make you crazy.  And it did.  Me and my sibs grew up pretty messed up.  I met and married a man who told me to grow up and get over it.  That was the past, this was the now.  A lot easier said than done.  It took years, but I watched as one after another of my sibs crashed and burned.  I decided I would not end up like that and finally took my husband's advice and got over it.  That's how I know that healthy and happy has just as much to do with the child as the parents.  You have to want it for yourself and be willing to fight for it.

Thanks for the question.  Good one.

Answer 3

Adopted kids come with some baggage. Even adopted as an infant I still felt a bit of uncertainty about my place in the family. Love will cover a lot. But sometimes it takes a little more. There are SO MANY resources, for parents willing to take the time and effort. I found some wonderful sites to help any parents who are struggling with "attachment" with their kids. You know, those days when it seems like you kids are drifting away.

Check this out, and see if it doesn't make you want to get together with your kids more - adopted or not. By the way, pictures on that page are ALL ADOPTED, and they are all happy kids, growing emotionally healthy - you can see it in their eyes!

www.adoptive-parenting.com/older-child...

Answer 4

make them feel safe, love them, listen to them, praise them when their good scold them when their naughty and try and be as normal as possible. a kids a kid all they want is to be accepted for who they are not for where they came from

Answer 5

Thanks Cruzgirl..   I was i really getting worried too.

Answer 6

Honesty is always best.  Just talk openly about the adoption and let him or her express any feeling they may have about it.  It also helps if you know all you can about their birthfamily.  My parents always told people when they asked about my adoption that I was okay with it and it didn't bother me.  They never asked me when I was really hurting over the situation.

Answer 7

The same way you raise any healthy child.

Plus, honor diversity in ALL forms -- which conveys and models unconditional love and acceptance.  Of course, always honor where your children come from, their roots and their birth family.  This also honors them.

Answer 8

love the child like they were your own and give them everything you posabbly can make sure they are safe and loved just like you would want to be if you was a lil one

Answer 9

Just as you would one of your own, but you make sure they know they are extra special because you choose them. LOVE the heck out of them!!! You should talk to an adoption specialist and read A lot about what they have been through and could possibly go through, make a scrapbook of their life and try to include all the information of life before your family.

always he honest and just enjoy them... they are only little for a short time.

if they are really young they might just forget about any bad past life issues

Answer 10

I think the best answers will come later.  It looks like many don't work on Saturday.  LOL.

I'm going to come back later to give a better answer.  But I can tell you that the 'treat them the same as a biological child' is TERRIBLE advice.

Answer 11

It starts with a greater understanding of how each adoptee is their own individual being & that there is no one answer as each one will adapt differently from the next.

Like somebody said honesty is very important as loving them unconditionally.  Realize that abandonment is a very real fear for some & where a biological parent may threaten their child about kicking them out to the street or anything of the like...that simple threat can be very damaging to an adopted child as it comes at no suprise that abandoned once...why not again.  It's not to say that discipline can't be enforced but chose your words wisely. Something said jokingly or out of anger could cause more damage than you may think.

Realize that sometimes the adoptee's actions aren't against you personally but underlying issues that they may not even be able to recognize or verbalize.  If you adopt from another country raise them to be proud of their ethnic background...don't push it on them but lead by example & embrace it.  There is no one set of rules to follow.  Hopefully, your heart will lead the way in raising them to be happy individuals.

I'm sure being an AP won't always be easy and neither is being an adoptee but hopefully you guys can work together as there are 'happy' endings. Good luck if that's the path you choose to take.

Answer 12

love the child- that is what it takes to make any child healthy- adopted or biological.

Answer 13

unconditional love...depending on the age, adoptees will need time to adapt...some may have issues because of all they have been thru...that's where unconditional love steps in. you have to able to be patient and understanding to their needs...in my opinion, that is the underlying factor..."unconditional love"

Answer 14

Never lie to them about being adopted

Keep the natural parents involved, so long as they are not a threat to the child (having nparents involvement helps the child understand)

Lots of love

If you adopt from foster care, never bad talk their nparents, even if they were abusive.

Understand the circumstances that led to their adoption and be prepared to answer questions when they are older.*

*telling them "they loved you enough to give you away" makes absolutely no sense and gives them the message that love equals loss.

Realize that their personality and abilities result not only from nurturing, but also from nature.  Don't discourage hobbies or their overall personality if it contradicts how you and your family are.  

And again, lots of love.

Answer 15

Some of it will be simply out of your control - meaning - some kids may just be more affected by being relinquished and adopted - and some may not.

Your job - as an adoptive parent - is to love the child for who they are - NOT who you want them to be.

This can be hard - as the child will no doubt come from a different genetic background - so no matter the 'match' there will be differences.

The adoptee may or may not feel losses, hurts, sadness - but above all - your job is to validate that child's feelings - and NEVER tell them to just 'get over it' - or say that their feelings are wrong.

And NEVER tell them that they should be grateful for being adopted - as it wasn't the child's fault that their life is already screwed up from such a young age.

Allow the adoptee to form their own opinions about their adoption. It's about them - they should be allowed to feel whatever they want to feel.

Many adoptees will NOT tell their parents if they have negative feelings about their adoption - as most wish to 'people please' - and certainly don't want to be 'given away again' - fear of rejection could be in the back of their minds.

Read, read, read - and be prepared for anything.

Adoptee blogs are a good resource - as it's the words from the people that have lived it -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

As I said - love the child UNCONDITIONALLY.

The child comes to you with a lifetime of loss - that is - they have had to lose -

their family

their heritage

their mother and father

their siblings (if they have any - or any future ones)

their grandparents

their sense of identity and self (no mirroring)

their history

You can't 'make up' for that.

You may think that any of that doesn't matter - as they may have been treated badly (ie foster kids from abusive backgrounds) - but that's not for you to say or relate to the child - it's part of them - and if you love the child - you WILL NOT diss where that child has come from.

That would be disrespectful to who that child is.

But you can be there to comfort the adoptee when they're really feeling that loss.

Also - always remain truthful.

Lies are the worst enemy for the adoptee.

Always allow the adoptee to talk about - and love - all the family they want to love and know.

Adoptees just have bigger families than most.

It's not a deal about who is better than the other. That will work out iteself. But don't bring any issues you may have about insecurities of parenting into the equation - just let the adoptee know and love every family member that they can.

Hope some of this helps.

This all comes from my thoughts of what I wish my adoptive parents had known about.

Knowledge is power - and being open to all ideas - is the best that you can be.

Answer 16

It takes compassion and understanding.

Understand that your child may be different from you.  Understand that all human development is part nurture and part nature and that both parts are equally valid.

Don't try to make your adopted child a mini version of yourself.

And don't use the words "as if".  For example, "Love them AS IF they were your own."

No.

Just love them.

Answer 17

Like you would your biological child.

Answer 18

As the proud MOTHER of two adopted kids (boy and girl)

who are now adults I can honestly tell you that HONESTY is the only way to be with kids whether adopted or not.

Our kids were told from the start that they were adopted in our lives.   Yes, even at 6 days old I started telling my daughter the story of her adoption.   When my son came we did the same thing.   We always told them that they would be supported if they needed to find their bio family.  

I am now a proud and happy Grandma of 2 and 1/2 babies.

To date my kids have not searched but who knows.  I will always be their Mom no matter what.  I am so secure in that.  Just love and honesty.