How do you raise and adopted child not to hate you are want to leave you for their bio parent?

Question

My wife and I are planning on adopting and we were wondering how do you raise a child who does not resent being adopted. We plan on letting him/her know they are adopted from day one. We will share all the info we have on bio parent but I don’t want our life to be like a bad Life Time movie where the child thinks their parents is this great person or at least better than us and run off as soon as they can to find them. Yell at us and tell us we are not their parent. That would hurt so bad. If they want to find their parent they are welcome to we just want to still be their parent and not be dropped off. How do you raise a well adjusted adopted kid?

Answer 1

Truthfully there are adoptees that despite having loving parents still hold some resentment on being adopted that resentment is often not directed at Adoptive parents but at birth parents. Some have issues with abandonment/trust etc  again despite having loving parents.  

I think your plans and out look for your adopted child(ren) are excellent and exactly what you should be doing. Telling thus child they are adopted from a young age, allowing them to know that it’s ok if they want to talk about their adoption. Letting them know you will be supportive if they ever want to find their birthparents/family. Tell them if they have any questions or want to know something that you might know that is their adoption file, that you’ll share that with them etc. Let them know they are not alone you might consider joining a group where there are other parents who have adopted then the kid will know there are people like them. You could try finding a group on meetup.com in your area. There are books/videos on adoption too, adoption has happened since the begging of time.

However really you wouldn’t know how your child will take their adoption in till they are older.  You really just have to be prepared to handle any scenario.

Answer 2

Read everything you can written by and for adult adoptees. They are the best ones to answer this questions since they lived it.

Go to Amazon and search "adoptees" there are a number of books.

Answer 3

I was adopted and never, ever, even in the teen years felt like my parents weren't my parents. So, I will tell you how they handled it.

They told me about being adopted from the beginning, before I understood what the word meant. They not only told me I was adopted, but also told me the story about when they went to get me and all the details. They told me how I was special (as any parent would). They kept some mementos, like a miniature A&W mug they bought me on their way home from picking me up. They got a baby book that was especially for adopted babies. They were open and honest about everything.

All they ever said about my bio parents was that they were young and not able to take care of me. And that they were both short. That's all they knew. They never talked bad about them. They presented the idea of my bio parents to me in such a way that I grew up to completely respect them and be thankful toward them.  When I got to be an adult, they understood and supported my wanting to search for my bio mom. (I never did find her.)

I don't think it's much different that raising a well adjusted bio kid. Just be honest, loving, caring, and all those things that good parents are.

edit-I also think this would be an excellent question for your adoption agency. They're educated and have experience in this.

Answer 4

We are adopting and I just read a book on adoption from a teens point of view.  Tell the child early they were adopted and give info. Never talk bad of bio parents and when they want, let them have a visit with bio parents. Supervised if neccessary. It eliminates the need for them to search or leave as they know who their bio parents were and why they gave them up.

Answer 5

As an adopted parent I understand your concerns, but know they are unwarranted.  Studies show children raised knowing they are adopted. where birth parents are spoken of as loving, giving, selfless people, have less anxiety about having been placed up for adoption.  

I also think it is vital they they realize the true beaty of adoption.  I share every story from that of Moses to the many Disney cartoons staring adopted children and characters.  Making sure they know it has existed since early times and is more common than they realize.  It does not make their birth parents bad, nor does it make them less desireable.  In truth I tell my children they may not have been conceived in love, but they were born in love, given in love, received in love and most of all reared with love.

One of my children has located their birth parents, and found they have two full siblings.  She spends time with then as an adult, and this only honors me.  I do not find it upsetting in the least.

Answer 6

Adopted children are glad to be loved, they know what they have is special.  They are hesitant to contact their bio parents because they know they are so lucky to have found a family so great as the one you describe.  Adopted kids are not like foster kids.  You raise them from birth.  You are their parents.  The reality of adoption won't even set in until their 20's.

Answer 7

Of the six that we adopted only one has the issues that you are talking about. It's not at all unusual for kids to feel that way. It takes patience and understanding. You need to let them know that it's ok to still love their mom but also to love you as well. Help them understand that there is enough room in their heart to love you and your wife as well as their bio mom.

Answer 8

I think it's wonderful that you and your wife want to adopt, adoption is a wonderful thing.  You might want to research a bit (e.g. read some books) about adoption and families to understand more about what the "issues" are.   Assuming that adopted children "hate" their parents and want to "leave" them for their biological parents is a gross overgeneralization.  Most of the adults that I know who were adopted as children love their adoptive parents and are genuinely grateful for being adopted.  It is true that adopted children face unique challenges, however... but these vary according to situation and the individual child.

You might want to check out books by David Brodzinsky, as well as books on the Adoption Triangle.  I know that The Primal Wound is a popular book... although I have not yet read it.  And, talk to families who have adopted as well...

Good luck.  Adoption is a wonderful thing.

Answer 9

Tell them early on about the adoption. Tell them how much you love them and how special and lucky they are to have had a birth mom love them enough to want them to have you for parents and have a wonderful life.

Answer 10

You need to be open and honest with them.  All adopted children don't go searching for their natural parents because they hate their adoptive parents.  They go searching because they have questions they need answered and some feel a deep seeded need to meet their natural parents.  It will say nothing about you and your wife if your child feels this need.  The best you can do if this comes up is to fully support the child in their search so they don't feel torn between you and their own personal needs.

Answer 11

respect the child and be fare when they do wrong do do what my mother did to me  don,t abuse the child.

Answer 12

Nothing you can do, even biological children has resentments for their biological  parents. Children who went on the wrong side of law always end up with same excuses, "I did such such, because of my parents abuse me" It's just human nature

Answer 13

That's tough.  Telling the from day one is great.  Letting them know that they were chosen by you and your wife.  

As for them wanting to find their parents, when they are old enough, encourage that.  Let them know that their bio family loves them so much that they chosen a better life for them.  Giving the baby up can't be easy on them.

As for not wanting your life to be like a movie on  Lifetime, life is like a movie make the right choices and the movie will end happy.

Answer 14

I do not have an adopted child.  However, my parents had friends who adopted a child and then had some of their own.   This was back in the day when they would try to "match" the child with the adoptive parents so that it would not be obvious that the child was adopted.  

They never made a secret of the fact that she wa adopted and they never made a big deal out of it either.

Just my personal opinion --- it is a good thing to let the child know that he or she is adopted.  It is probably a good idea to keep most of the details of the birth parents to yourself until the child is at least a teenager.

When your child asks about the birth parents, you can something general like " I am not sure why they were not able to raise you themselves, but I'm sure they would have liked to."

As the child gets older, they may have more questions --give whatever info you think they can handle.

Remember that teenagers get emotional about EVERYTHING so don't be surprised if they get emotional about this topic also!

The most important thing to do  is to love the child.  How can a child resent loving parents, adoptive or otherwise?

Answer 15

Sorry, no amount of perfect parenting is going to erase adoption loss.

Answer 16

It all depends on the kids personality. Im sure if he/she ever does that its not b/c of what you did. Its b/c he feels like he/she should lash out

Answer 17

hi. good luck on your adoption

I was adopted 53 years ago. my parents told me i was adopted as soon as i was old enough to understand...at about 5 years old. they told me i was a very special baby as i was allowed to be chosen and they chose me because i was the prettiest baby with the most gorgeous smile there.

that made me feel so loved.

i am glad i was adopted, as i had the most loving parents anyone could wish for.

i was brought up to know right from wrong.

although my parents were well off, i wasn't spoiled. when i was 12  i was taught how to value money and had to do chores to get my monthly allowance.

i was punished when i did wrong and respected them for it.

please dont spoil your adopted child thinking that you can buy their love.....you can't.....bring them up to teach them right from wrong, scold them when they need it, and they will grow up to respect you much more, rather than manipulate you

i loved my parents soooo much that i never had any interest in finding my birth mother. i didnt want to hurt their feelings, although they would have understood.

if they want to trace their birth mother, then support them. if you dont you will only drive them away.

my parents are both dead now and i miss them like mad.

only curiosity made me now trace my roots. i found out who my mother and father were, or should i say the couple who created life in me. my birth mother is still alive and as i have found only lives twenty miles away. i have no interest in looking her up. i only had two parents and they were the perfect mum and dad. they gave me the start in life i would never have had.

i am now a mum of three and granny of six and i can show my kids and grand children the love i was shown.

good luck with your adoption, but remember...don't spoil them.....that is the way you will drive them away and they will have no respect for you

x

cant understand why myself, marlyn E and some others have got thumbs down for perfectly good answers

Answer 18

How do you raise a well adjusted adopted kid?

The same way you raise any kid!

Some biological children grow up to resent, dislike and even hate their parents.  And so might some adopted children.  It's the risk we take being a parent!

Be careful not to expect your child to owe you, be grateful to you, in indebted to you for adopting them!  Remember, they are just a child, and they did not ask you to adopt them.    No matter what their birthparents circumstances, your child is just your child.  Nothing more and nothing less.

Answer 19

Tell them early on and maybe make it clear that you aren't replacing the old family, you're just adding to it.  THey just got a bigger family, not a new one.  Give them freedom to seek out the bio parents.  Go v strict and be a disciplinarian and lecturer when they are 2-12, slowly lighten up on the things they've always wanted to do by 13-14 and in high school, if you're raised them right and paid attention to them, they should be able to handle almost complete freedom.  Just tell them that they are so cool and trustworthy and smart and they'll rather die than disappoint you.  Don't let them treat you with disrespect.  If you stifle or over-control teens, especially adopted ones, they will go nuts.  Also, listen to them and don't try to mold them into another you.  Don't crush their spirits and let them be who they want to be.  Homeschooling is great if you're thinking about that.  If your adopted kid does go all "I hate you" and stuff, know that it's probably just a phase and they are just trying to say something hurtful.  Tell them it was hurtful and then try to let it go.  They won't mean it in the long run, unless you really blow.  Don't talk bad about the bio parents and if you have your own kids too and someone asks "So which one's adopted?"  like the kid isn't in the room, say "I don't remember" and laugh.  Don't let fear of pain stop you from spreading the love.  Good luck!

Answer 20

My brother was adopted through foster care, and he knows he's adopted. his birth mom lives in town, and he gets to see her a few times a year (holidays) along with his bioligical siblings. he's 5, and we tell him his "life story" a lot, how God put him in his birth mom's tummy, but knew that he was meant to be in our family. he likes that story, even though he is upset that he wasn't born biologically from my mom. as he gets older, he will probably see his birth family more, and he will be more informed, according to his age.  My parents know that there may be days where he gets mad at them and may try and use the "adoption card", but they're hoping that if he knows his family better, it won't be as much of an issue.

it may happen the way those lifetime movies go, but you have to remember that a lot of it is just teenage angst, and to a certain degree its unavoidable. don't take it to heart too much, take it from a teenager, we don't mean half of the mean things we say!

Answer 21

Be honest with them about the adoption, which it sounds like you are going to be.  There are lots of really great books for kids that discuss adoption that you can get at the library.  Give your child lots of love-that is the most important thing.  You cannot control how your child will react as he/she gets older and starts to question where his/her bio parents are.  I know it is scary to think that a child would reject you over thier bio parent after you raised them.  Just be supportive and ALWAYS let your child know that you always wanted him/her and love them no matter what.  That is what parenting is about.  Don't worry about what will happen so far down the road---it may be that nothing will happen anywhere remotely as bad as you are thinking it will be.   That sounds like some insecurity on your part about going through with an adoption.  Everything in life carries a risk, even an adoption.  But, raising a child, even one that isn't yours biologically, is such a wonderful experience.  Don't be afraid to do it--the rewards are so great.  Good luck!