How do you say enough is enough without making them feel you dont care?

Question

My mother had a stroke last year and also suffers from advanced alzheimers diesease. Since then she has been living with myself and my three children. While I love her to death I cant deal with her day to day care anymore. I know how she feels about nursing homes and living centers but I cant do it anymore and I need to tell her that I have decided that a living center would be best for everyone. Taking care of her has really taken a toll on me physically and mentally. How should I approach her about my decision? Considering how incompetent she is at the moment should I allow her to be a part of the decision making process as far as which home she goes to and things like that? I dont want her to feel like I am just dumping her out somewhere and I want her to be happy. I dont have any other family that would be capable of caring for her and she has become a danger to herself.

Answer 1

i am so sorry. That is really hard on a person. My great grandfather had alzheimers and it took a huge toll on the family.  Your mother raised you and you know how she feels about the nursing home but you can only do so much.  I would try and let her be apart of this if she is able but if not use your best judgement.  Find something you think she will like.  Like a place with a garden or other amenities that you think she will enjoy on the good days.  Good luck!  remember what you are doing will be hard but you are doing it with all the right intentions and for all the right reasons.  

Answer 2

In this case you are the mother figure and she is the child. You find the best place you can near your home.  Take her over there and check it out.  See how she reacts. Make plans to move her there and take her there.  Explain you are going to let her stay here for a few days but you will always come to see her. Stay with her there for the day and get her settled in.  Then go home and get a good nights sleep. Take her some personal items to keep in her room and make sure that you go visit with your children. Make sure that you go often to insure she is being cared for. Talk to the nurses and doctors and get weekly updates.  If this is a good facility they will have activities and she might really come to enjoy it.  You have to do what's best for your family and her.  You want to keep her and your family safe.  Also, I might suggest you seek out a Alzheimer's support group.  From there you will see that everything you are going through is something many people go through.  You are not alone. Once you get her settled you can rest peacefully and put your family back together. My prayers are with your family.

Answer 3

Tell. ehr that you need some time to yoursef and that you need some help takeing care of her. let her know that you are takeing her to live with nice people who will take very good care of her. Try and be as calm as possibul and make it sound like fun. hope i helped!

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Answer 4

tell her exactly what you have said here. I worked in an assisted living center and we had many come in who were very resentful at first but after they had been there for a little while they came to really enjoy the companionship of others their own age.

Answer 5

She can no longer be a part of the decision making in this case.  This is always a hard decision to make but often times it does come down to this.  you do tell her what your decision is and why during her lucid moments.  you reassure her that you love her.

The way you show her that you haven't abandoned her is by setting up a visitation schedule and see her at the very least weekly.

She's going to feel like you have betrayed her and she may be angry and crying--that can't be avoided, so prepare yourself for it.  Hold her, cry with her and keep telling her and yourself that it is for the best.

Once she gets settled into her new home, she will calm down and it will all become familiar to her.  And I'm sad to say, if she lives long enough, she'll forget that she was ever angry with you and that she felt like you betrayed her--it's what I call a mixed blessing--to forget the pain and hurt but unfortunatly the forgetfulness won't stop there.

also by visiting often you ensure that she will get better care.  I'm sorry to say no matter how well a facility is run, the patients who have family who check up on them seem to be treated better.

Answer 6

We are dealing with these kinds of issues as well. If she is negative about assisted living, I would do the leg work first. Narrow it down to two (there probably aren't many more than that which you would consider). Then make appointments for her to come and see them.

She may try to make you feel guilty. But it is not your responsibility to keep her at home if you can't handle it any more. Stress with her that she will be safer, and you will sleep easier, because someone will be there keeping watch 24 hours a day. Once she has actually seen the places, she may be more cooperative. If not, you'll have to decide if you want to force it. Sure hope it doesn't come to that.

Hang in there.

Answer 7

Tell her exactly that. Explain to her that you love her very much and only want the best care for her because you want to see her live a long and happy life. Your mother should definetley be allowed to have input in the decision of what care hom to go to. Make sure she knows she will not be forgotten and that you will come visiti very often.

Answer 8

Talk this over with any brothers or sisters you may have.  It's not fair that you should bear the full weight of her care.  Discuss the option of an assisted living home with them.  You don't love her any less but it's starting to affect your life very negatively.  You wouldn't be just dumping her, you'd be setting her up somewhere that could offer her the care she needs and still allow you to live your life.