How do you say "no" to a mother in law?

Question

My husband and I just had our first daughter (now 5 weeks old), and my mother in law insists on pushing how she raised her children on my daughter. She insists on giving her a bath EVERYDAY, putting different kinds of oils and lotions on her without asking me, insisting I go take a nap or go out so she could watch her. I know she has raised 3 boys and 1 girl of her own, so I understand she has experience (although her youngest children are a bit spoiled and "babied") . I don't really agree with some of the ways she takes care of my daughter, like putting the pacifier in her mouth everytime she cries. So how do I tell her that my husband and I want to choose how and when to do things with our child without hurting her feelings? I'm not ready to just let her be taken care of alone even by my own parents, since this is our first child... am I being too over protective, and should just let my mom in law take care of our daughter?

Answer 1

I dont agree with people who say "just deal with it."  It doesn't matter if she's raised 4 children or 10.  This is your child.  YOU need to raise your own child and she needs to realize that.  My mother in law is the same way and never ever listens to me when it comes to my son.  So I finally started getting stern and snapping at her so she knew I meant business.  Honestly, this is your child you take control, not her, no matter how much she is "helping" she is really maknig it harder for you by stressing.  Just flat out tell her "NO I am not doing that" or "WE dont do that with her." etc.  Make sure you ahve your husband to back you up.

Answer 2

I had a similar situation with my mother in law not to long ago. We have been using a certain type of bottle for our baby, we researched it and decided to use them for the best of our baby.

Anyhow, his mom watched her for an afternoon for us, and when we picked her up I noticed she had given a totally different type of bottle, even though I had packed 3 clean ones for her.

I was a little upset not because of the new bottle, which my daughter did take to it. But I was upset because She didn't bother to ask us if it was okay.

So what I did, a couple of days later when I was calm I saw her at my sons baseball game and just told her that I appreciate that she is willing to help us out, but if she ever wants to try something with the baby she needs to ask us first to make sure that it's okay.

You need to take control now before your mother in law does this for the rest of there lives. It is your baby and you have every right to choose what is right for your baby. Let her know and as long as your husband is behind you all the way she should understand that this is your baby and just as she raised HER OWN children you deserve to do the SAME!

Good luck with this, hope it all works out for you!

Answer 3

No, you are not being over protective and if you don't want to have to move to the end of the earth in five years to get away from you mother-in-law you had better put your foot down now and tell her to butt out.  Be as nice as your mother-in-law will let you but if you have to turn into a raging maniac do it, otherwise the woman will be running your lives from now on.

Answer 4

No you should not just let her take care of your child.  Key words here YOUR CHILD.  

"I am not trying to hurt your feelings, but we do not agree with the way you do some things with the baby.  Adult to adult we need you to respect our wishes with our daughter, and if we can trust you to do so then you will be able to have as much time with her as you can.  If we can't trust you to then your time will be limited, it's up to you.  I love you."

Answer 5

You are being a great mom, and things have changed a lot since your mil raised her babies. Remind her (kindly) of that when she tries to do things her way. Say something like, "well, my doctor said that I should only bathe her twice a week to prevent dry skin, so I think we'll try that first. But thanks for the advice."

And this is YOUR baby. You are the parent and you get to say when you are ready to leave her with her grandma, etc. I found it an absolute lifesaver to be able to leave my baby with my mom to go grocery shopping for an hour, but you may not be ready yet! When you are, let your mil know, and leave her for a VERY short amount of time the first time. If she does not follow the directions you leave for the short time, then don't leave your daughter with her again. And then you have a reason :).

There is no such thing as too overprotective with a newborn! Every mom and every baby is different, and you should go with your gut.

Good luck and have a wonderful time parenting (it's the best)

Answer 6

Ask your husband to talk with her.  If he won't or if it doesn't help you can simply say "I really appreciate your willingness to help and I am sure I will learn alot from you in the years to come.  However, our pediatrician said that doing _________ is no longer considered good for baby.  Instead, hubby and I are doing _________!".  If she continues to do something against your wishes say "I would really appreciate it if you didn't put the lotion on baby.  Hubby and I have decided that this is the way we want to bathe our daughter".  When she says "well, I have raised 4 kids and they turned out fine", you say "and I am so thankful that hubby turned out to be such a wonderful man and husband, thanks to you!  This is how he and I want ____________ done."  And if by then she is still forcing her ways on you, ask her to leave while you and baby rest or send her out shopping for things you need.

Answer 7

NO! That is YOUR daughter NOT hers! She is the grandma, thats not her job to take care of your daughter or to decide for you vvhat should be done. Just tell her that you appreciate her help and knovvledge but this is your child and you vvant to raise her YOUR vvay. Dont vvorry about hurting her feelings, she's the gma and needs to play the gma role. You need to speak up though or she vvont learn, you cant vvorry about hurting someones feelings vvhen it comes to your child. My MIL vvas the same vvay and finally I said something to her, she vvas alittle mad at first but she got over it, novv our relationship is better because of it. Sometimes they vvill push or take advantage of you because they knovv they can get avvay vvith it. so just let her knovv hovv you vvant to do things!

Answer 8

If you're complaining about what she's doing, then, NO you don't let her take care of your daughter! It sounds like you're living with her: BIG mistake. You need to get out on your own, or, if she's just coming over all the time, put your foot down, and tell her 'No more!' It's really not that hard... Do *you* want to raise your child, or do you want pushy Grandma to do it? Find your backbone, and just say NO.

Next time she reminds you that she's raised her kids, well enough, tell her 'Exactly... Now, it's *my* turn.'

Answer 9

I would have my husband talk to her. You don't want her to get angry with you and hold a grudge, because you're going to have to deal with this woman for a long time. However, if that doesn't work, just put your foot down and let her know your baby needs the consistency of having things done your way.

Good luck!

Answer 10

If you don't stop this now you will have to deal with it for years.

1 she is your child...if being polite does not work a firm BUTT OUT should do the trick

maybe this statement would help...

"you know I didn't birth a child for you to raise allow me to be the parent."

Answer 11

if babys take baths everyday it drys out your skin even if you put lotions on. its bad for there skin.

Answer 12

Thank you but no that's not going to work for me.  

If you give your control over to her then you can not get upset when she dose things her way rather then your way.

Answer 13

Goodness, she's only 5 wks old and MIL is trying to take over! *The best place for baby (especially this young) is right next to mama*. But keep in mind that she just wants to help and be an active part in her grand-daughter's life. Just simply tell her that you want to learn through your own experiences. Allow her to help in other ways..."Mom you know what would REALLY help, could you throw some clothes in the wash for me?" or "Some of your famous pot-roast for dinner sounds delicious!"

Answer 14

do you live with her?it almost sounds like you do.if this is the case moveout that will solve your problems.if you dont live with her i would tell her you dont want her doing these things and when she's around put away anything that you have a problem with her using like the lotions. hide the pacifier. and no you are the one who is going to have to deal with this child until it goes off to college so you need to raise her the way you want otherwise you may find that you will have a hard time dealing with the child

Answer 15

Why is she there every day? Move out and get your own space... then take her advice, listen and say thank you, and then do whatever you want. Works best, I know. :)

Answer 16

i had the same problem. my son is 11 months now.

You need to tell her no as of now before she gets even more comfortable.my mil would tell me, put this, do this, he needs this, ill get you this...it was so irritating.i finally learned how to politely say no, or i would mention "the doctor said" to get her off my back.

you are not being overprotective, shes YOUR daughter and YOUR the one thats gonna raise her.

Answer 17

Your not been overprotective...im exactly the same...I have a 10mnth old daughter and as its my 1st child i wanted to learn my way and do things my way and wanted no advice unless i asked...I told my husband i know his mam mite have raised 5children and have 2 other grand kids but i dont want her parenting skills or advice and if she interferers i will steer clear of her...I told my mam not to do things before i had my daughter and she respects that and never does what she wants woth my daughter and always asks...My family in laws try and do what they want and i say no but they always question me to why!! I dont see y i should explian myself and they should take my no as a good enuf answer...What i would do is tell ur hubby ur grateful she wants to help but u want to do things ur way and not her way and u want her to ask u if she can do something or how something should be done...Ur hubby should respect that..Also tell him u ur not ready to be apart form ur child but when u are ul let them know...If u feel u can discuss this with ur mil aswell...What u will need to do is stop this now cos it will get worse.

Answer 18

Sounds like my mother in law.  You're going to have to put your foot down or your going to end up having to let her have her way because your daughter will be use to it.  

Tell her that while you appreciate the fact that she has raised four children that you have your own way of doing things and that is how it is going to be done.

You're not being overprotective, a lot of mother in laws are like this.  Actually, a lot of mothers are like this with new moms.  I don't know how many times I've had to fend off people with advice about how to raise my son.  

Just tell her to back off and that you are going to do it the way you think it needs to be done and that you're sorry but she doesn't have a say in it.  If she doesn't stop even with a firm hand, cut her off for awhile until she can learn some manners.

Answer 19

Well it is obvious that she is just trying to help, however I can see how this could be burdensome.

I would just be honest and tell her that while you appreciate how helpful she has been, that you would prefer not to leave your baby with her alone just yet as you are still a new mother and don't feel comfortable with it and that you would appreciate her not using lotions or creams without your permission.

I know talking to mother-in-laws is a difficult task! I'm always afraid of being offensive to my in-laws when they try to help us out and we don't want it.