How do you stop the pain for young children when someone has left for another family

Question

Its taken 3 months for me to work out that he left for someone else, he was not honest and left saying the circumstances in the house were too much with the children.

My youngest son was very much attached to him and whilst I appreciat ehe has no obligation to my children I would have hoped that he would see him on his birthday on the back of morals and a clear understanding about how this child felt about him but he did not.

He made a time to come but did not turn up and has since then not made contact. What do I do to prevent any further damage to my child?

Where to now for my family and how do I overcome my grief and become strong enough to take the family forward - I have three boys!!

Answer 1

Don't speak to him again, trash his stuff and ban him from contact with your kids.

If he's willing to break a promise to a small child then he's not even worth your grief.

You can't ease the pain, but you will all get over it in time. In the meantime, badmouthing him in front of your kids is a bad idea, so just don't mention him unless your kids bring the subject up.

Also, make sure they don't think it's their fault that he left. Tell them it's no one's fault but his own.

Answer 2

When you can accept that even biological fathers can leave their kids without a backwards glance, you will see how he can do this. The fact that your kids had bonded with him emotionally matters not a jot to him. The important thing is to let your kids know that none of this had anything to do with them, sometimes adults just make mistakes. I would sever all ties with this man, no child needs someone who is unreliable and who flits in and out of their lives as and when suits. Add to this the fact that he wasn't honest with you as to why he was leaving, and then "blamed" your kids, what a jerk, and no role model for your boys. It will be hard to be strong for your boys when your heart must be hurting too, but that is what you must do. Try to keep family life much as it was but without him. Spend lots of time with your boys and keep encouraging them and telling them how much they mean to you. Don't grieve for too long, this guy just wasn't worthy, you made a mistake, forgive yourself, learn from it and move on. You are surrounded by the love of your family, embrace it, a man is not a necessity for you or your boys to have a good life. I am not anti --men, kids need a father figure in their life, but a poor role model is worse than having none.

You will get through this and come out stronger and wiser. Good luck x. .  

Answer 3

So I assume none of the boys are his then? I assume he was living with you all for quite a while if they are that emotionally attached to him.

It is a big shame he didn't turn up for the birthday - what a coward!

You have to be really strong for your boys, try not to let them see your grief, as seeing mummy crying is really upsetting for kids, especially the littlest.  Share your grief with a friend or other grown up family member instead.  Do try to explain to your kids that he's not going to be around anymore.  Good luck x  

Answer 4

Well now... he has to earn the right to see them or else he will always think that he can come and go as he pleases because at the mo he's in a new relationship everythings all brill !!! but it won't always be that way for him and then he will want the kids.. so nip it in the bud before it goes any further and you my dear will go forward because that's what we women do and were very good at it !!! good luck !

Answer 5

give your boys some pu*sy. that will cheer them up.

Answer 6

you have to stay strong for them boys. it looks like all they have is you right now and you will find the strength with each day that passes.but for now it has to be about the kids. let them know it was nothing to do with them that sometimes we cant make everything thats supposed to be, be. i am only speaking from experience. i wish you and your boys the best of luck. this is what harsh reality is and it sucks.

Answer 7

Find a male figure he can look up to and admire that IS commited.  You could try a brother of yours that he admires and likes, an uncle, a grandfather, his father maybe?  You could also try the Big Brother's Association.  Even if you have another partner come into your life he'll need that support because he'll find it hard to trust.