How do you sugar coat the truth when explaining to your adopted child.....?

Question

you are not sure if their birthmother gave up her parentals rights voluntarily because there was such extension corruption and kidnappings going on they had to halt adoptions.

Do you tell them you loved them too much to care about and didn't want to lose them?

Do you feed them the "misleading" information?

I'm curious because when many of the children from IA start researching their history they will come across the facts of what happened in their country and will want to find out the truth.

Answer 1

Tell them the truth. Make sure it is age appropriate. If they are very young, just answer the question and don't elaborate. Go to counseling if you need to, and I'm going to say, you will need to. Never mislead. Never "sugar coat." When they find out the truth, they will never trust you again. That's not just for adoption, but all aspects of life.

I think it's important to teach children that life isn't black and white. It's grey. People aren't good or bad, they're human and sometimes make bad decisions, that's how we learn.

Answer 2

We've never sugar coated anything with our two adopted girls.  We've always just given them any information we had, at an age appropriate level, when ever they asked or when ever it seemed appropriate as they grew older.  Both are a different race from my wife and I anyway so it's not as though we could hide the adoption from them (and we never would anyway).

Answer 3

No matter where, when, why, or how someone is adopted, they deserve the truth. As someone else said, all info should be given in an age-appropriate matter and quantity. You don't have to "sugar coat" info. You tell the truth - s/he was adopted and loved. Since you don't know the actual circumstances of the adoption as it relates to the natural parent(s), you shouldn't make up stories about them. You answer the child's questions as best and as honestly as you can, always reassuring her/him of your love. If ASKED why you didn't question things or turn the child over to authorities, you can state your true reasons (love/fear, etc.). And, if the child wants to search, I hope you will be as helpful and supportive as possible, thus showing how much the child is really loved.

Good luck!

~~ From a Reunited Late Discovery Adoptee (not IA)

Answer 4

Did you know this was happening before you adopted?  Probably not and explain to your child that you believed the process was legitimate.  You only found out later that the possibility existed that a kidnapping might have existed?  It sounds like your child might be a victim, you might, and the first mom might.  Can you correct the problem?  If not, explain that.  Simple answers that are age appropriate without going into a lot of detail until they ask.  My prayers are for your child!

Answer 5

Dear Independant,

You've had some interesting posts lately. I think that this is another case of everyone is different. There are some APs who love their children enough to do everything in their power to find the truth and a rare few who love them enough to even let them go. Not all APs will be sugar-coating anything.

Of course there will be some who do the opposite and hide the truth and lie. (Shame on them. Poor kids. Karma, karma, karma...)

Just FYI and perhaps a thought for those who are in this situation:

There was a recent case where an adoptee sued her adoptive parents for knowing she was a stolen child. She won.

I looked for the link but can't find it. It was a woman who was taken by a military family from a war detainee at birth. She found out the truth and was proven correct by DNA. I believe it was in Argentina or El Salvador. She is also suing the government.

Answer 6

i was always told the truth.

Answer 7

If they ask, which they will, about their parents then tell them the truth YOU were told about them. Usually its for poverty reasons. Sometimes in eastern Europe its alcohol reasons and broken homes/abuse. I think it is fine to tell them that some cases of human trafficking have been found in practically every country that allows IA. I would support searching for the birth family 100%.

Of course I would be doing it now and you can't to say you just want to keep the child is a selfish and destructive thing to do. I know you asked a question about if you should search now......I am guessing you are not going to search and tell your child later? If you have facts that this adoption was/is illigal and you do nothing to fix it, I hope you get caught and taken down. And your excuse to your child is that "you loved them"? Thats not love.

Answer 8

I say do not sugar coat anything and give them age appropriate information.  Mostly let them know that you picked them to love and care for and that you may not be their biological parent but you have become the real parent that is there for them every day.  Unless they ask about the real parent I would not bother with them.  If they ask tell them what you know and be direct the truth is going to serve you best in the long run.  Love and care and concern for the child will smooth over any bumps.

Answer 9

Honestly, you dont/cant sugarcoat it.

Answer 10

Great question.  I doubt many people are seeing that far into the future - you know - when the adoptee is grown up and can speak for themselves.  I really feel for them and for what they are going to find and I wish for them joyous reunions with their lost families.

Did someone say 'Tummy Mommy'?  'scuse me, I'm going to hurl :(

Answer 11

I was always told the truth by my mother. Never lie or sugar coat it. If you really love your child you'll tell them the truth. The"ll love you more for it, trust me

Answer 12

When a child asks a question always give a truthful answer.  I you don't and the child learns later that you lied then there might be problems.  Never give misleading or incorrent information unless you want the child to feel he/she has been betrayed.  Just the simple unvarnished truth will do.  And you don't have to go into long detailed explanations either, unless the child wants to find out more.  Let the child do the questioning here.

Answer 13

tell them that they love him very much but they couldn't take care of him.

Answer 14

Dear Independant,

I appreciate your voice here.  You ask really tough questions, that i think all of us in adoption should think about.

On Yahoo, parents of international adoptees are put on the defense quite often here.  More times than i can count some yahoo comes here asking why people adopt internationally when there are all these children in america who need to be adopted.

Jennifer L. is always at the forefront defending our decisions that led our families to adopt internationally.  She is one of those great adoptive parents that i look up to and admire.

Whatever is going on here i hope you both can move past this.  You are both admirable in your own rights:)  peace

The truth is rule #2 in adoption.  Rule #1 adoption should be about the child.

Answer 15

I was adopted.  My parents always told me the truth...I always knew from the time I was little...as long as I can remember, actually.

In my opinion, and since I'm adopted, I would only want the truth.  Sometimes the truth helps us understand the 'why' about being adopted.

Best of luck

Answer 16

Tough Q!  I know that if you pray for the wisdom, then God will give it to you.  Good luck and God bless you!

Answer 17

I know someone who has this issue.  They plan to just tell the child, when they are older, that there was a lot of controversy going on regarding corruption at the time of their adoption.  There is no way to know one way or the other whether this occurred in this child's situation.  

Gotta tell you though, in their situation it likely won't make much difference. The children had such severe, untreated parasitic infection, it is doubtful they would have lived without treatment. So, getting out of that orphanage was key to them still being alive.

Answer 18

Honesty is always the best answer. But saying that,  How many biological kids need to know they were conceived before their parents got married? Or conceived to keep a marriage together?  Do you know the circumstances?  I am an adoptive mom and I can guess why my child's biological parents gave them up, but do i know for sure? Maybe they were raped in their country and never told anyone.  My children know that they were loved by a mother that wanted a better life for them and that it was God's plan.  Keep it simple and truthful. J

Answer 19

This is why open adoption is so important. It won't be my place to tell him why he was placed of adoption.

That's why it's important for the PAP to demand an ethical adoption.

I won't lie to my son, the events surrounding his placement are going to be painful for him to hear, but it is his right to know.

Answer 20

I am 14, my mum is a fostercarer and I have a one year old adopted sister. when she is say...4 we will tell her that her 'tummy Mummy' couldn't take care of her so we brought her up. even though she is only 1 year old we use the word adoption in everday life so that she gets use to it.

Answer 21

i SAy WHEN tHEY StARt ASkiNqq tHAts WHEN yOU tElL tHEM tHE H0NESt tRUtH NO LiES BECAUSE y0U WiLl REqREt it