How do you teach your children the importance of family when your family is dysfunctional?

Question

My husband of six years and I are pregnant, and we both come from dysfunctional families. My father and mother are both neglectful as far as taking care of children. This summer my mother and father were taking care of my little nephews and niece (ages eleven, nine, and five turning six.) My sister's dog was staying there as well. Over this period of time the children were all bitten by the dog, (just a chihuahua

but he still drew blood on all of them.) My parents continued to let the dog stay at their house and didn't think this was a big deal at all. The dog is vicious; it has attacked my husband and I before with no provocation. This is just one example, I could go on and on.

My sister was also staying at the house, she's a drug addict, compulsive liar, (big time) and alcoholic and chain smoker who is detoxing at my parents' place because she "can't take the rules" of Rehab. My mom would leave the kids alone with my sister to babysit while she worked fourteen hour shifts. My sister is the most immature person I know, she's still detoxing, she has STOLE from me in the past, and this struck me as SO irresponsible.

My mom also belittles the kids, just like me when I was little, and uses mass amounts of guilt to get the kids to do what she wants. She loves to control them. My brother (these are his kids) has no contact with his children because he has been abusive in the past, so his ex got a restraining order and has all custody. My brother has mental problems and has been in jail, on the street, group homes, and battles with drug and alcohol addictions.

My father in law is a severe alcoholic (I haven't seen him sober in 6 years) who gets touchy feely and says inappropriate with me when my husband and I go visit. I don't feel safe when he starts touching me, so I don't go up there much. He is a big guy and I wouldn't trust my kids around him. My mother in law is nice and loves kids and is responsible, but she's in denial about her husband's alcoholism and she's sick at home all the time and she lives with him. So they come together.

I don't want my child(ren) growing up not knowing their aunt and uncle, grandmas and grandpas, but their safety comes FIRST. I don't want my kid around them, definitely not unsupervised. How do I teach them to have family values when our family is so messed up? It makes me sad.

Answer 1

You just need to show your kids how a family is with your small family (hubby, you and the kids).  You can also make sure you are around some great friends who have good connections with their families.  It is important for your kids to know that sometimes we can choose our family with some GREAT friends.  Both you and your husband have the opportunity to change the cycle of dysfunctional in your new family.  Good luck, it can be done!!

Answer 2

YOU are the one controlling how your child is raised, NOT the people around you. Sure, they can set an example of what NOT to be and as long as you teach your child nothing but love and identify what family means in your household, I’d say you’re off on the right foot.

My father was a royal scumbag growing up. He would belittle my sister and myself and we’d watch and listen to him scream at my mother. I didn’t marry a man like that, I didn’t grow up to be a s***w up who needs counseling, and I am very capable of loving. I have a 2 yr old son and I vowed to raise him, along with my husband, in a positive, loving environment.

However, my husband’s side of the family is VERY dysfunctional. I’ve been threatened every possible way by his sister and it’s like this big black cloud hovers over her. Everything out of her mouth is negative towards me and I told my husband, sure, I understand that’s our son’s aunt, but until SHE learns to respect me in the presence of my child, she won’t be coming in contact with him. I don’t want my son to EVER hear his own aunt say something horrible about me. I don’t want him raised thinking it’s okay to treat people that way. I don’t want him thinking that this type of behavior is “normal”. So I remove him from the situation. She hates me for it, thinks I’m a horrible person for it, but I do NOT care because I’m his mother and I get to choose who is part of his life and who isn’t. If the day comes when she wants to say “Hey, I hate you, but I’ll be cool for the sake of the baby” then by all means, but until that day comes, over my dead body!

My husband’s uncle is a drunk. He also kisses and whatever and I always feel very uncomfortable when he’s around. But I show my face and allow my son to be around him as long as we’re there too. He’s not danger, he’s just gross.

My family is all hugs and kisses. We have family dinners and have massive family reunions. We are just a loving and caring family that would never think to mistreat someone because that’s not how we were raised. And make sure you understand that it’s all in how you were raised! Meaning your child has a chance to learn the proper way how a family works. Or at least has a chance to learn how you and your husband run a family.

I guess what I’m trying to say, is we all have a choice. You can choose to raise your child in a positive environment (the best you can) by filtering out the bad when possible, or you can choose to let these types of people surround your child. I know we can’t control or protect our child in EVERY way, we can’t live in a bubble, but you do have control over how much your family interacts with him.

Best of luck!

Answer 3

Wow, that's quite a story.

It's great and amazing that you and your husband have been able to keep a clear head about all the dysfunction in your two families. Teaching kids is done by example. If you show them a healthy way of family life and by protecting them from all the abuse going on in your families (meaning, keep them and yourself away if there's a chance for harm even if it means insulting family members) then this is what your kids will pick up and internalize for their own future. They will get that despite bad family history, there are other solutions and other ways of living normally and that you and your husband will always be there for them.

Answer 4

I am not sure there is such a thing as a "functional" family. The vast majority of families have some dysfunction........

Answer 5

Raise your kids as far away from your family as you can get.

It's the only solution. Raising them with dysfunctional relatives is a very bad idea. It will damage them.  

Answer 6

how old is the child(ren)??

the older they are the more they will understand so wait until he/she is older to explain

Answer 7

As long as you and your husband provide a loving home your child will be fine.  Just don't repeat the same mistakes that you lived through.  While I wouldn't let my child alone with the people you're describing, if you feel it necessary for your child to know them I think visits are ok.  Even if the visits are stressful remember that your child will be going home with you.