How do you tell Grandma this is not her child, it's mine?

Question

While giving birth to my daughter almost 3 years ago, I had major complications and had to remain in the hospital 9 months after she was discharged. During this time I've my sister and mother had taken care of her. I know this was diffcult especially for my mother (due to her advanced age). Although I appreciate all of her hard work and would have been lost without her, how do I tell her it's time to let go and allow me to be a mother to my child.

It was hard enough to form a bond with my only child, and now it's even harder with all of the interference from her. Because of her age my mother is unable to live alone, so I take care of her financially. But the constant interference and the negative remarks on how I'm caring for my child is starting to take toll. How do I say thank you for help but I got this, without seeming ungrateful?

Answer 1

25 years ago I was so grateful to have a wonderful mom in law.  She was there to help me while going to university and vocational school!!  She is just trying to help and she has more experience in being a mom.  Get a babysitter and you two have dinner or lunch together to show your thanks.  It sounds like you are self centerd and she stepped in to help you and I hope you use proper birth control because some women are not meant to be a mother.  Be grateful that you have her help and quit griping about a woman in your family that cares!!!

Answer 2

you say advanced age like she won't be around for that long. if you don't live with her this should be easier due to the fact that you can just take your child home and bring her to g-ma's for dinner occasionally. subtly remind your mother that you want to try to spend mother daughter time with your daughter just as she did with you. that it would be very special to raise your daughter as her mother, with less help, so that you'll be "the best mother you can be to your baby girl, just like your mother wanted for you". she loves you very much and wants the best for you, but you need to set a loving foot down. good luck.

steph

Answer 3

That's a really difficult situation to be in, for you and your mother!

Maybe you could sit down with your Mum, and start by telling her again how much you appreciate all that she has done for you and your daughter, how much you love her for helping so much, and giving her such a great start to life.

Then perhaps you could confide that you found it a bit tricky to bond with her at first, and that now you're finding it easier you are anxious to do as much as you can yourself - say things like "I know you'll understand because you've always been such a caring person" and "I'm sure you understand what I mean" to make her feel better about it!

Make it seem that you are confiding in her and asking for her opinion on how to go about doing things more independently, rather than telling her to back off a bit. You might find that she is actively encouraging you to do things on your own with your daughter more, and comes up with a few ways to "help" you to be more independent and without so much interference from her, which you can then thank her for.

If you also say something like "sometimes I feel like I'm doing everything wrong, I think it's how all Mum's feel at times, I'm so glad that you have often been encouraging towards me" then she might reevaluate her comments in future - you don't have to make it in any way sarcastic as I'm sure there have been times that she's been positive towards you too.

I really hope this helps, it's a very tough situation to be in, and I can tell that you don't want to hurt her but I can feel your frustration and know how you must be feeling. But I'm sure she is meaning well, and hopefully you'll be able to deal with this and move forward, and be a wonderful mother to your own daughter.