How do you tell a 12 y/o you're taking her from her mother for her own good?

Question

My step-daughter's mother (custodial parent at present) has decided she wants to move two states away. My husband and I have decided to file for full custody. There has been a long history of issues with her mother moving her around, a failed grade and continued failing grades (or close), boyfriend/husband hopping, lying, etc. Her ex-husband has already taken one child from her so we feel we have a good chance. The only problem is, my step-daughter has been brainwashed by her mother and is going to be very upset with us. I don't even know where to start when I have to explain this all to her. She thinks she is coming back from vacation Wed and moving with her mother on Sat. Please, any advice anyone has is more than welcome. My heart bleeds for this child. Thank you in advance.

Answer 1

you're going to need to enter into family counseling to ease the transition and help you undo a lot of the damage her mother has done.

so start getting medical recommendations now and line something up.

Good Luck.

Answer 2

It sounds like you have no choice.  I would call a counselor (paid for by most insurance companies) and tell her with a counselor present.  Then she needs to continue counseling alone and as a family.  Do not talk bad about her mother just simply tell her that you think it is for her own good and she will be able to call and talk to her mother and still see her eventually.  That right now her mother needs to straighten her own life out and it will be best for her as well as her mother.  Best of luck.

Answer 3

You should post this in the psychology section...sounds like it might benefit from professional advice...

Answer 4

Nothing that you say is going to make this child feel better. She is going to be angry, hurt, scared, and upset. Her father needs to be the one talking to her. You can be there with support and let her know that she is a part of the family and welcome in the home. I would not offer any explanation aside from what her dad tells you. If anything every comes back about this, it is going to be you looking like the bad one. I have been in a similar situation for 3 years with an 8 year old. I have opened my mouth too much and probably did more harm than good, but I have learned from that experience and keep my mouth shut now. Let her know that if she needs to talk you will listen, but never give her your opinion of her mother...