How do you tell a 6 year old you have to give up their brother/sister for adoption?

Question

I am contemplating adoption for my unborn child and I just want to hear from people who have been through something similar.

Answer 1

This is something you are going to have to continually talk to them about.   You should talk to the social worker/adoption agency rep. that you are going to be working with to help figure out the best way to explain this to your older child.   Then expect it to be an issue for the remainder of your older child's life.

Answer 2

It is not just the mother who feels loss in adoption.  Siblings grieve horribly for each other - both the "kept" child and the adopted child.

I don't think there is any way to tell a child that you are giving his/her sibling away.  I'm sorry, I don't know your circumstances, but I think what you are contemplating is very cruel to both children.

Answer 3

Why do you want to do that? Why is your six year old special enough to keep, but your unborn isnt? I couldnt imagine giving any of my children up...I have a six month old son..and dreams that I had given him up haunted me...I just couldnt do it...

Answer 4

I have had two experiences that are similar, although I've not shared your position in the story.  In one, my sister (my dearest and best friend) was in exactly your situation about 2 years ago.  Her daughter was 5 when she was pregnant with a second child.  In the other, I'm the adopted sibling.  My biological sister is younger than me, rather than older as your child is, but she learned about (discovered, really) my existence when she was 10.

My sister that was in your exact position also considered adoption for her second child.  She, too, was conflicted over how to discuss it with her 5-year-old.  The only advice I could think to give her at the time was to tell her child the truth and expect for her (my niece) to try and change her mother's mind.  I still think those are both right but now (2 years later) I would add this.  Make sure your 6yo understands that this is ONLY a consideration for the unborn baby, not him/her too.  My niece wondered if she would also be 'given away' (her words) when the baby was born...or any time after that.  Also, my sister was struck with the idea of using our stories (my sister's own, and mine) of adoption to help her daughter understand the concrete aspects of what it means to be adopted: i.e. as an adopted person you have a house (or apartment, or whatever), you have parents who take care of you and (hopefully) love you, you have friends and you go to school, you have...basically, what children usually have...just in a different place.  She was trying to help her daughter understand that placing a baby for adoption was not "sending them into a great, black, unknown void of nothingness" so to speak.  I know it's a lot more complex than that but she was trying to communicate the basics to a 5-year-old.

Now that I think about it...the other story doesn't really apply as much.   Anyway, best of luck to you!!  I hope you can let the 'naysayers' negative comments just roll off your back.  Take care!

Answer 5

Its not going to be a one shot deal. You will have to talk about the loss over and over throughout your lives. Be honest with her about the situation for the beginning but word it so that she can understand without being subjected to the "adult" baggage of it. What you tell her now is what she's going to believe and it will affect her later to find out anything different down the road. I personally would think twice about placing a your second child. There are plenty of resources out there to help you.

Answer 6

I would just tell the six year old that you love this baby very much but aren't able to take care of him/her.  Maybe tell your child about the family adopting your baby and what a blessing it will be to them and that it's the best decision for everyone involved.  Good luck to you.

Answer 7

If this was the plan from the beginning you should have been telling him from the beginning.  If it's something you're just now thinking about doing you need to reconsider.  As you will feel the loss along with your son and your unborn.

Answer 8

First I wish you good luck with what ever you do.I think it may cause damage down the road we don't always understand children's thinking but at 6 he will surely ask many questions and it May effect his own identify,That is very hard.It is your life and you must do what you think is best.

Answer 9

I think honesty is the best policy.  A six year old is not going to understand like a teenager or adult.  Just tell him/her that you love both of your children, but can not keep the new baby.  You are going to give it to a loving family who will take care of it and give it the life that you can not.

As for some of these a**inine answers, just remember that you are the one going to have to deal with the loss if you do choose adoption.  You know your situation and you know what is best.  If you are still in the consideration stage, I would suggest finding some good birthparent support groups and get some advice and counsel.  Try Adoption.com (or org.).  They have an area for bparents.

Answer 10

I don't what to tell u I wouldn't give my child up for anything in the world.Ur not going to b able to explain that with out damaging him.