How do you tell a child he/she is adopted?

Question

I know a couple who just adopted a little girl she is still an infant and they plan to tell her the truth when she's older, they are first time parents been married for more than 20 years. I want to get them some type of gift so I was wondering if anybody knows about any childrens books that can help explain to a kid at a very young age that they are adopted.

Answer 1

It's not a one-time event.  It should start from the very beginning and be explained in age appropriate terms over time.

Never use the word chosen or tell a child their mother loved them so much she gave them away - those words make no sense to a child and promote low self-esteem.  (to be chosen means that someone 'unchose' them first and to be loved means to be left and abandoned - in a child's mind)

ETA:  Children's book:  'Tell me a Real Adoption Story' by BJ Lifton

Answer 2

We are telling our children from the beginning.  We have scrapbooks for both of them of pictures from the towns they were born in and pictures of us with them in the hospital.  Both are too little to understand, but my oldest (2 1/2) loves to hear me tell him stories about himself "when he was little".  His adoption is one of those stories.  People become families many different ways including IVF, donated eggs, donated sperm, adoption...you have step parents, single parents and who knows what else.  If your friends are asking your advice...tell them to share the story from the beginning instead of making it into an "event" or secret that it should never be.

Answer 3

I can tell you how we've handled it.  

We've never hidden the fact. From the time she was an infant, we told her things like "I'm so glad we adopted you."  

One day when she was about 5, she asked what adopted meant.  I explained to her in an age-appropriate way.  I explained that her first mother couldn't care for her at the time and loved her so much that she wanted her to have a better life.  

When she was around 8, she seemed to really understand and would ask questions.  Some of them were tough, like "If she wasn't ready for a baby, then why did she have one?"  

One day she just asked me to tell her the whole story.  She thought it was so cool.  She told everybody that would stand still long enough to listen.  She would say that the mom that grew her in her belly loved her so much, that she wanted her to have a great life and sent her to her real mommy and daddy.  

I really think that the shock of believing one thing and suddently finding out it's all a lie is very dangerous.

"Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born." by Jamie Lee Curtis is a great book.

Answer 4

"A Blessing From Above"--A Little Golden Book



"Over the Moon: An Adoption Tale" by Karen Katz  



"Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born" by Jamie Lee Curtis

Answer 5

I heard one time, a mother told a child that most babies were born in mummy's stomach.

"she" was born in mummy's heart.  (Adopted)

Answer 6

Well... I am personally an adopted child. And my parents told me when I was about 6. And I understood what they had told me. They never once hid it from me. And I grew up knowing that I was adopted. I think it's better to tell the child from the begining because that way there's no resentment when they're older. Now... there's a book called 10 Things Adopted Children Wish Their Adopted Parents Knew. I can't remember who the author is right now... but... they should definately invest in it! It will help them to understand what an adopted child will grow up thinking. I can't think of any good childrens books off the top of my head. But I know that Borders has a big section on adoption books! I hope you can find something for them and I hope this helped.

Answer 7

i would wait when they r old enough to understand my dad pulled me aside and told me

Answer 8

not sure.. i think that the best way to do it though is by telling them at a younger age of about 5 or 6

that way they will have time to forgive you

and if that doesn't work and they never do just say you are sorry...

hope i helped ( =

Answer 9

Thats not for you to do, your not that childs parent.

You just said there parents will tell her when shes older so leave it at that and don't interfere

Answer 10

It should never be a secret.  There should never, ever be a big revalation.  It should be a part of the child's every day life.

The "born in my heart" thing, while it sounds sweet, is actually very dismissive of the adoptee's past and his/her origins and heritage.  No child is "born" any other way than through birth.  And no child's first family should be dismissed.  Adoptive parents don't "will" their children into being - and telling a child that can be VERY hurtful.

Maybe you could get your friends a copy of the book, "Twenty things adopted kids wish their adoptive parents knew".  It's a "gentler" way to get the truth across.  Although I really hope that once your friends finish reading that book, they move on to tougher books like "The Primal Wound".  It's really important for adoptive parents to understand the losses their kids experience in order for the parents to have kids.

Answer 11

I haven't adopted any children, but one of the best ways that I have found is for parents to make it known to the children from the very beginning.  This way the children grow up knowing and there is no need to explain much until they can handle it.  

When the children are 2-3 they are plenty old enough to understand that they are extra special in their families because they were extra special gifts.  They had a mommy and a daddy who chose to let them live with a different mommy and daddy because they knew that they were going to be perfect for each other.  It's perfectly fine to tell them from the beginning that their parents loved them so much that they wanted them to live in the perfect, best family for them.  Follow it all with how much their family (that they live with) loves them and is so glad that they are able to live with them and be *their* family now too.  

I've seen a lot of mixed race families who have had no other choice but to explain it early.  Really quickly they learn that they have different skin colors, so there must be a reason.  These kids seem to handle it so well.  The ones that are told later in life seem to have  the most difficulty accepting it.

Answer 12

I think its not a good idea to lead them on for a while, so whenever the parents think that their child could comprehend this, the earlier the better. And just tell them to do it gently as possible, maybe something like, well I don't know, I don't know the child, the parents do, they'll figure it out, honestly, they will.

There's not any books out there that I know of, but try google !

Answer 13

There are a lot of children's books/stories about adoption. We are way past that stage so I'm drawing a blank.



One that comes to mind is Tell Me Again About The Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis. This particular story however may not fit the circumstances of your friends child.

Check Amazon.com or your local bookstore. Also try the on-line bookstore at Adoptivefamlies.com.  I'm sure you'll find something.

ETA:

Curly has a point. My MIL bought this book for my daughter (I already had it). I was a bit offended because this part of my daughter's life is my responsibility. I know she meant well though.

ETA: I don't think you're trying to interfere. You just want to help and that's nice of you.