How do you tell a child they're adpoted????????

Question

my aunt adopted and her daughter is 5 and wants to see the birthing photos and she can't find what to say and she spoiles her whenever she asks

Answer 1

I think that this child is too young. But she does need to know. I just feel that she is way to young. But make sure your aunt does not lie to her about the pictures, becuase she might say, " why did you lie to me?" Just have her try to walk around the situation.

Answer 2

How to tell her?

"Honey, remember how you asked to see photos of you being born?  Well, you weren't born out of my tummy, so I don't have photos."  Then go right into explaining what adoption is if she doesn't know.  Answer questions naturally as they come up. Don't make it a big scary serious announcement,  children sense when their parents are upset, but aren't sophisticated enough to always interpret the tension rightly.

I say this last part because like others, II believe that your aunt should have made her daughter  familiar with the knowledge that she's adopted since day one.  That she hasn't makes me think she might be uncomfortable talking about it.

Answer 3

She is five and should know. It is an awful thing to not know that. How could she keep it from  her? Your aunt should sit down and explain to her daughter adoption. have her slowly go in what might happen to parents. the child must know that her aunt is still har REAL mother, just not the birth mom. Adoption isnt a bad thing. She really should know and be pround that she  is special.

Answer 4

Well, unfortunately the older a child gets the more difficult it is to tell them.  Worse yet, the more difficult it is on the child the longer one waits.  Social workers, therapists, counselors and everyone else who deals with adoption suggest never waiting to tell a child s/he is adopted.  This should be something the child always knows.  So, however she phrases it, the most important thing is that she tells her daughter as soon as possible.  The longer she puts it off, the more damaging it will be.

Answer 5

This is for : jm - the social worker....

NEWSFLASH: its never "beautiful" to lose a mother"

and its not "always the BIRTH mothers fault"

To the original poster, she needs to tell her, be honest, be sensitive, compassionate but most of all TRUTHFUL.

Answer 6

it's good to just say it like it's not a big deal..

my cousin has always known.  maybe they should have told her already.  the sooner the better, so it's not shocking.

just say that they picked her and they don't have pictures because they weren't there.  oh sorry that sounds bad...

i don't know.  but she just needs to know.

Answer 7

My son is adopted. He is only 3 years old and he knows.  I think it is something that can never be kept a secret.  My husband and I decided to make it an open and known thing in our household.  I believe it has been easier.  This way he has always know and he won't be shocked as he would be later in life once he found out.   Your aunt needs to be honest and just tell her. The longer she waits the worse its going to be.

Answer 8

She should absolutely tell her now. It will only get more and more difficult. There is no "right time" and no "better time." There is just now and she has the right to know and she has the right to know now. As she gets older she will have more questions and she should be allowed to ask them all and she should feel free and encouraged to talk about her adoption and anything related to it with her adoptive family. She needs to feel supported in her curiousity and in her ability to understand. I strongly believe that she should have been told immediately -- i.e., when you take the baby home from the adoption agency -- you start talking tothem about it and clearly the baby doesn't understand but, just as you talk with the baby about everything -- eventually they do understand. That makes it much easier. However, it will absolutely be easier to talk to the child RIGHT NOW than it will be at any future time. She is still young enough that her questions are not likely to get all involved with s*x and with how she was created. Her family needs to tell her that when she was born, the woman who was pregnant with her (refer to her as her birthmother, I think) could not keep her. The reason is not critical although if the truth is known, I would definitely tell the truth. The child needs to here her "birth story" and she needs to be ble to process it and hear the same story over and over and eventually it will begin to make sense and she will understand it more and more as she matures. She will probably not start out with loads of questins because she won't really understand what it all means. As she thinks about it, she will come up with questions. She should be told taht she can ask any questions she has, whenever she wants to and that she will be told the truth. She needs to know that this is not a "hush-hush" topic. It is not something to avoid talking about. She will feel that it is a big deal, if it is presented as a big deal. If it is presented casually, she will take it in at whatever level she can and then a few days later the topic should be brought up again, casually, just to be sure she remembers and understands. Tell her simply and honestly. There are some great books available and she should definitely be given some. She needs to know that this is a normal thing and that plenty of other people are adopted and it doesn't amke her unusual in any way. She needs to be assured that it is not something she should feel embarrassed about -- and she needs to not feel embarrassed to talk about it. "Tell Me Again About the Day I Was Born," is a good book -- by the actress Jaime Lee Curtis. There are lots of others --be sure to read them first, before reading them to the child just to be sure the infomation fits with what the child has already been told. She could also benefit from meeting other kids who were adopted and being told who else she knows who was adopted.

There is another excellent book that may not be appropriate for right now but, I want to tell you about it because I think it's so good. It's called, "Did My First Mother Love Me?" It's about exactly what it sounds like it would be about. Perfect for a child her age. It's a picture book, from the point of view of the pregnant woman coming to the decision to give her baby up for adoption and how hard that decision was but how much she loved her baby and wanted her to have the life she now has. I've just never seen any other book written from that perspective and it is ABSOLUTELY a question that all adopted children have and that deserves to be addressed. Good luck and please do what you can to make it so this child is told about her adoption right away.

Answer 9

oh i was ganna say never lie to them in the 1st place now she is in a hard situation for her & her daughter. i think the sooner the better tho, but there not going to be an easy way to do it. =/

Answer 10

she should have told her long before this.  waiting any more is gonna eff that kid up even more.  seriously.

why didn't she tell her?????  stupid.

Answer 11

Better sooner then later.

Waiting might cause resentment.

Answer 12

she shoould tell her that when she was growing as a little baby she grew in another mommy's tummy.....and when she was born God took her to her real mommy...and her birth mommmy has all the photos.....make it light and simple....kids are satisfied with simplicity.

Answer 13

you just have to sit the kid down one night and tell her. its really hard to explain i suggest getting a book on how to do it correctly or somthing.

orjust dont tell her and say the photos were lost

Answer 14

If she is asking questions now is the time to sit down and explain that she is choosen.  Your aunt needs to sit down and explain that she wanted children and she met her and just had to have her as her daughter so she adopted her and made her a very special part of the family.  That she just loves her so much she couldn't imagine not having her there and she is so happy to be her mom.  If there is more questions she can get the books made for kids about adoption to help her and even think about councling to talk it through but the main thing is to just let her daugher know that she got to choose her to be her daughter that is how much she loves her.

Answer 15

I AM ADOPTED! and i knew from the very beginning. yeah i didn't quite understand it at first but i caught on really fast.

Answer 16

you should  take a comfortable room cookies other sweets ,tissues, and info on her mom and maybe if you can find her mom  they could talk and she could tell her the story and they could meet every year but don't let the mom take her back she's is in your aunts hands now so tell the mom that       and finally she might cry but that's what the tissues r 4

Answer 17

have a nice firm talk

Answer 18

My mom had a freind growning up that found out she was adopted when she was 17 and freaked out just tell her now.

Better know than later it looks like!

Hope that helps!

Answer 19

I'm an adoption social worker.

Your aunt should have been explaining this to the child from day one so it was not even an issue.  Some mommies grow babies in their tummies, some mommies can't.

You have a birth mom who loved you enough to know that she couldn't give a baby a good life and she loved you so much she was willing to let you go to a mommy that could give the baby all the things she couldn't.

Your forever and mommy and daddy love you so much that they were thrilled to have you and will give you all of the things your birth mom wanted for you.

NEVER say..."Your mom really loved you but she couldn't take care of YOU...that makes it personal, like if you'd been a better baby she could have.  Your birth mom was not ready to be a mom.  ALWAYS put it on birth mom.

Your aunt has made a serious mistake by taking a beautiful loving act and making it a nasty secret.  The sooner she tells her the better.

Lying, sneaking, makes this seem shameful and it isn't.  Your aunt and her insecurities are setting this child up for mistrust and shame over something that could have been beautiful and helpful.

Answer 20

She needs to tell her immediately- the longer she waits the more upset that precious child could become.    I was adopted and have 2 adopted children- and I was told, and we told our kids much earlier than 5. If I had been told later, even at the age of 5 I would wonder why it was kept a secret- I would have wondered what the shame was about adoption.   Tell her to sit her precious daughter done and tell her that she was chosen.

Answer 21

I dont know thats a toughy! I would try to hold it off a little longer until she can understand better.