How do you tell your partner you were raped as a child?

Question

When I was a very young child I was sexually abused by my day carers and have had trouble throughout the whole of my teenage (I am now approaching 22) forming lasting relationships with people, I am absolutely terrified of crowds of people, of sometimes even the most basic of physical contact and being placed in situations where I am unable to see an escape makes my skin crawl and I fidget, I have also been on antidepressants for as long as I can remember and frequently swing from being "normal" and happy, to being suicidal.

Somehow despite all of this I managed to form a relationship with someone over the internet, and over the course of a year and several meet ups I have finally emigrated to be with her and I love every minute of our time together, but my problems are causing a strain on our relationship. I find myself unable to have s*x unless I am *completely* comfortable and feel safe, which is rare, and when we're in public I become uncomfortable when she touches me and moves to kiss me, not because I don't want to and she's beginning to think it's because I am not turned on by her. She doesn't know about my past and I'm so lost as to what to do, I don't know how to tell her, I've tried but I can't find the words and I just retreat into myself and become distant from her, and I can see it in her face the hurt it's causing both of us. I need to tell her but I can't :(

I'm so absolutely terrified she'll reject me because of it.

Somebody help me, I'm so lost

Answer 1

First of all, I think you really need to get some counseling.  You need to find someone you can talk to and who can help you deal with the past.  This will hopefully help you to be more open with your girlfriend.  Also, you could try to write down what you would like your girlfriend to know.  I find it easier to write then to talk to people in person, especially if it is going to be an emotional experience for me.    Good luck

Answer 2

You're a 22 year old guy. You need to get a grip.

So you went through a tough childhood. Many of us have been through tough, some, horrific, things. The time of your abuse is long over and is not going to happen again. If you want to keep your relationship you need to come to terms with what's happened to you and get over it quickly, or you might risk it interferring with your relationship, and wouldn't that be a shame. Then you'd be kicking yourself afterwards dreaming "oh if only I'd got over it sooner, I'd still be with her now.".

I've been in a similar situation, and almost lost my partner through post-traumatic stress. It's not worth it. People will tell you "oh if she loves you bla bla bla... " but the fact of life is, life's not fair. It never will be fair. If you don't want to risk losing her, I suggest you behave like an adult, tell her what you're going through, and find a way to get over it fast.

Answer 3

LOOK YOU INVITE HER OVER,N YOU TELL HER EVERYTHING,,,IF SHE REALLY LOVES YOU SHE WILL UNDERSTAND AND TRY TO HELP YOU BY BEING THERE WITH U N LOVING YOU EVEN MORE CAUSE YOU TOLD HER THE TRUTH,,SOUNDS LIKE SHE LOVES YOU,,SO TELL HER...PEACE

Answer 4

I have similar reservations because of things I was told when I was younger, such as possible violations of my Grandfather when I was too young to remember. I have grown up with serious reservations to men and am fearful of being left alone with males, even ones who are family members. It affects my job, because there are dozens of men and only 4 women in the entire warehouse. They don't understand why I shrink back from them and freak out if they come too close to me or watch me working or anything like that. It seriously makes me feel like breaking down. Now, I have been in a long relationship with my fiance and we are currently separated while we try to work on some of our emotional issues. He did not understand this behavior and I try to explain it to him, but find it difficult to describe because he says he just doesn't understand since we are in a public environment (he worked there too until very recently). He is trying to understand though that I look to him as a source of protection from other males and that his denial of my feelings leads to me feeling disappointed and lonely.

As for your specific situation, I strongly feel that you should explain to your spouse that you have been hurt as a child and that it has affected your feelings of self-esteem and security. I also suggest therapy, as I have had to visit a woman who just listened to me patiently and offered advice when I would break down with "I just don't know" and the like. I think that if you tell your girlfriend the basics of what happened, she will understand why you are so reserved and probably be much more respectful of your feelings instead of feeling rejected. Without knowing why, she has nothing to explain it to her except that she must not be what you really want. If you sit her down and explain as much as you can, I guarantee she will be understanding and loving, if a bit shocked. If not, then she certainly isn't the kind of person you could be with anyways.

So I suggest you explain it to her, even though it is hard, because she can feel that you are hurt but doesn't know why and thinks it is her. It could lead to another failed relationship, so if you really want it to work, then you need to be honest and share your deep hurt feelings with her. You will probably feel stronger when she gives you a big hug and tells you she still cares so much about you and wants to work it out and help you. If you are embarassed, don't be - it was not your fault no matter what exactly happened. If your girlfriend wants to know more about it but you can't open up enough to tell her the details, then explain to her that it hurts too much and you will only be able to tell her when you are ready.

Good luck! Communication is key.

By the way, an easy way of sharing this with her may be to just send her the link to this site and she can read it for herself.  

Answer 5

Write her a letter about it. I don't think she could be mad at you.  **** everyone has something they are terrified about. She'll appreciate your willingness to open up to her.  She IS probably thinking it is her, so tell her. It will make you and her all the more better. Best of luck!

Answer 6

Dude, I believe everyone has have their share of sexual abuses in the childhood. Some had to bear the psychotic behaviors of their relatives, some from strangers. Sometimes the abuse were severe like in your case. I do not think you should still be haunted by them. You are a man 22 years old. I think the time has passed when somebody can take advantage of you. Girls have this fear in this age, not guys. You should think that you can protect yourself now and nobody can do that to you. However, if you want to tell her this, just go right out and say it. If she really loves you, she would be supportive and understand and go slow with you.  

Answer 7

just sit her down and tell her you have something to tell her

if she really loves you she will understand and stick by you

Answer 8

IF HE LOVES YOU HE WILL STAY WITH YOU NO MATTER WHAT HAPPEN --- BUT YOU SHOULD TELL HIM THE TRUTH -- AND PLUS IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT

Answer 9

I see no compelling reason to give her exact details of what has happened to you, especially since you are still suffering from it.  I would suggest that you just tell her that it is uncomfortable for you to have physical contact right now because you have been hurt in the past by other people.  Tell her as much as you are comfortable about, but don't feel you have to tell her everything.  If she cares about you at all, she will slow down and wait until you are ready and at ease before doing the physical part of the relationship.  If she is in a big rush for all of the physical stuff, then you know that is all she cares about and not real love for you.  Given time and patience, you can build a lasting relationship.  Don't go any faster than what makes you feel OK.  If she can't understand that, move on to someone else.

Answer 10

I know exactly what you are going through because I have been through it. And it has taken a very long time and I am still going through it. I go to therapy and I have told my partner now. He is angry that it happened to me but he now realizes why I am the way that I am. This is a very slow progress and it must be so much harder for you because you are a guy. Therapy was the best thing that ever happened to me so I first of suggest that. Secondly you can tell your girlfriend when you are ready. Tell her that there's things that have occurred in your past that have affected you greatly and that when you are ready you will tell her. My boyfriend even went to therapy with me to further understand me. It takes time and if she rejects you after you tell her then she was not the one for you.