Question:

How do you think my story is so far...?

by  |  earlier

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there will be unanswered questions, but its only the rough version of it. i still need a beginning

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“*huff…huff*what are these things?” I asked myself leaning on a near by grave stone to catch my breath. My head picked up as I hear on getting close to me. I quickly got behind the grave stone to hide, almost slipping of the steep hillside behind it.

“[don’t find me, don’t find me..]” I chanted through my head. I sighed a sigh of relief as I heard it leave.

“right…” I said while standing

“I have to get to the exit quic- AHH!” I took a step in the wrong direction forgetting about the hillside. I started rolling down unable to stop. As I came near the end, I screamed in pain as I felt something cut my arm. Finally I came to a stop, slamming hard into a cement slab, the side of what seemed to be a tomb of sorts. After coming to a stop, I looked up a bit to see I had stopped inside something, I saw a crumbled wall above my stopping point.

“*moan*…did I-…did I crash through a tom-” I stopped myself through my sentence as I saw I had landed on a body.

“HOLY SH-” I quickly got up, my eyes glued to the body.

“a-…a girl” I stared at her confusedly.

“Considering the decay of the tomb, or what ever this place is, also the decay of her clothes, she shouldn’t-…she should be nothing more than a skeleton…” my eyes widened as I looked up. I looked back down to her with sort of a nervous look.

“heh…sorry about your tomb, it was an- ..huh?” I stopped as I saw she had blood on her cheek.

“hmm...what could that be from” I asked myself.

“anyways, sorry” I leaned over to wipe the blood off of her, but winced as I felt a sharp pain in my arm. I quickly grasped it, feeling the arm of my shirt was wet. I moved my hand from my arm, finding blood on it. Just then I remembered the fall, and getting cut. I looked back to the girl.

“heh, sorry…I just ruining everything for you aren’t I” I leaned forward again, using my hand that didn’t have blood on it, to wipe the blood off her cheek. My hand was only a mere inch from her, as I felt something grasp onto my wrist. I froze with fear, but saw a hand holding my wrist from her. I looked back the girl to see her eyes slowly open.

“AH WHAT THE-” I pulled my arm away, as I back up to the wall. I stood up. She slowly stood up. When she finally stood, she wiped the blood from her cheek, and brought the finger she used to her lips, l*****g the blood. After l*****g the blood off, she looked to me, staring. I only stood staring back, unable to move from my own fear. After a few moments, she took a step into my direction. My hand shook. She eventually got to me placing her arm around my neck, and her other around my side. My hand reaching back to the wall behind me.

“L-L-Look…im sorry about your- uhh...tomb..” I said as she got closer to me, as if about to kiss me. She opened her mouth revealing fangs, getting close enough for me to feel her sigh on my neck. I felt a table near by just as the fangs rest on the side of my neck. On the table I felt an object. I looked out the side of my eye to see an unsheathed rapier.

“S-Sorry, but…” she stopped and looked down to her stomach to see the rapier pierce through her.

“…iv no intention of being served to you” I pushed her back a bit, and pulled the sword from her, and ran down a small path.

“this is weird, what kind of tomb is this?…” I asked myself as I kept my speed. I came up to what seemed to be a door, opening it, but quickly stopped and hugged the wall, as I saw those creatures again.

“heh, those things out there, and her in there…*sigh*, and I was thinking this tomb was weird”. as I sat there waiting for a good chance to run, I heard the girl coming through the path.

“damn…come on, come on…YES” finding my chance I dashed out. I looked behind me to see the two creatures didn’t see me. I sighed a sigh of relief, but was cut short as I ran into something. I fell back and looked up, to see the same shadowy creature stare into me. It slashed at me. Luckily, I was able to dodge and run again, but the commotion had alerted the first two, and a few others. I tried the best I could to dodge there attacks, but one came to my side. I dodged but lost my footing, and fell. As I looked up to them, it felt like I was staring into the eyes of death itself. I squeezed my eyes shut as one clawed at me again, but heard a sort of impact. I opened my eyes seeing the girl from before, her foot making an impact on the creatures head, sending him off. As he hit a grave stone, it turned to black dust. I looked back to the girl. She turned to me.

“GO!” she yelled, as she turned to me. Then back to the remaining creatures. I sat there for a moment. Looking at her. The creatures took their sights off me, and started attacking the girl. She dodged to the side. As they kept attacking her, she dodged, unless finding a good opening to attack. She eventually ran to a fenc

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4 ANSWERS


  1. nothing great about it...


  2. Cool story! And i like it very much. But the only problem i got when i was reading was that sometimes i don't understand some words u have chosed.But it's nice anyway!

  3. It's a bit flat and very non-descriptive. You need to use more emotive language. Also, though I'm sure this is a draught, you really need to work on your punctuation.

  4. Well, if you're not looking for comments on your spelling or grammar, all I can say is, it's a very confusing story.

    Everything comes down to spelling, grammar, and sentence structure.  If a story is rife with errors, it is not readable.

    Character development, plot and scene setting is important as well.

    If this is a rough draft, then post back after you've re-written it.

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