How do you work past attachment issues?

Question

I was adopted as a baby. I have recently noticed in myself that I have attachment issues. My husband and I are currently going through a divorce. Even though I am nowhere near being ready to date or anything like it, I would like to work on these attachment issues now, so when I am ready to find someone I can completely give myself to that person. How do you start to correct your attachment issues?

Answer 1

Okay, first please ignore the callous answer from Ms. Daisey Duck. That was very rude of her. She has dealt with her adoption differently and in no way should she of projected her hate and anger on to you.

Adoptees deal with their adoption differently some never deal with attachment issues and some do. I have a fear of rejection but I have realized that fear and am moving on.

I suggest that now that you want to work past this issue, talk with others, like in a support group. Or write in a journal, read up on books or like Possum said go to websites.

In closing to everyone who will be posting: All adoptees deal with their adoption differently. Each one of us are different so please don't tell us that we shouldn't have issues, because you don't know each individual adoptee on here.

Answer 2

I have struggled with similar issues for much of my life.  I know that, for me, I had to take several years away from dating.  And I actually spent a year living in a city where I knew no one.  This is not something I recommend.  But it forced me to get to know myself better.  I have a better sense, today, of what I am feeling and what I need.  I have also learned how to express those things more clearly to my partner.  So for me, what I needed to do, was learn to be on my own for a little while, to learn to be more comfortable with myself.  That has given me some confidence to trust others (in part, because I know I will be okay if that trust turns out to be misplaced).  For me, the trust issue has always been a big obstacle.

I do think reading, journaling and either therapy or at least support groups are important aspects of this journey.  It is good that you recognize this in yourself.  That's a difficult and important first step.  I would echo many of the reading recommendations made as well as http://www.adultadoptees.org for online support.

I wish you well.  Good luck.

Answer 3

You sound very proactive and it's great that you are caring about your own well being. I am an adopted person and also going through a divorce.

A few things that helped me:

1.  Therapy/Counseling: It has helped me immensely to examine my life, my choices and my feelings.  It is so important to get to the root of why we behave and feel as we do, whether it is attachment/abandonment/adoption related or not. For me, acknowledging that I actually had issues and was not a perfect person was very beneficial to my sense of self and well-being.

2. Reading: I'm reading lots on adoption, check out Betty Jean Lifton's books, and I'm also reading up on divorce (I really like the book Spiritual Divorce because it centers on your own personal growth) Reading can be very validating.

3. Writing/keeping a journal:  Sometimes getting things out on paper really helps to "clear" them.  It also helps that you can monitor your patterns of behavior, your feelings about certain things, so that you can help yourself.

I wish you the best of luck, you WILL get through this...just trust the process and don't deny yourself your feelings.

Answer 4

You don't say whether your issues are not being able to get attached to people, or being too attached to people.

Too attached - find something to do to occupy your time.  Take a class, go to a movie by yourself every once in awhile, make a new friend and hang out with them.

Not attached - make some new friends, ones that are not romantic interests and are "safe", steady people.  This is a good transition to use before getting attached to a romantic interest, and they will be there when/if you get hurt once you actually start dating.

Answer 5

Recognizing them is an excellent first step - you're doing really well

Inner Child work helps alot for some people.  Contact Adoption Crossroads, they have nightly chat too with loads of great people with similar issues.   The best therapy is talking to folks who understand

edited to add:  LOL  you won't get the empathy you deserve here, as evidenced by the pink-haired lady's answer.  People can be so darn horrid, pay no attention - only you know how you feel and that's all that matters

Answer 6

I am 43, male, been divorced for 7 years. It takes time. I dated for a while after I was divorced but my heart wasn't in it and all I did was disappoint some perfectly good people. So I stopped dating for a while and just raised my kids. Now I am ready to start looking for a partner and my heart is in it. It just takes a long time some experts say 10 years to recover from a long marriage and subsequent divorce. I don't think it has anything to do with actually being adopted. That's usually just a convenient excuse for times when you feel antisocial. You will be on an emotional roller coaster for the next few years. Hang in there and your life will straiten itself out. You are not alone, divorce is way to common. Keep a positive attitude and you'll cope a lot better.

Answer 7

I think the best start - is to realize that you are effected - and you can see your actions as they happen. Only then can you make a change.

I'm still working through such issues myself - and will be very interested at what answers you receive.

I think that also finding a good therapist can be good - especially one that is empathetic to adoptee issues.

I wish you all the best.

Edit - wow Daisy Duck - I'm sorry what happened to you - but why do you feel the need to down-play anyone else's existence & feelings?? Obviously the OP is asking for support - not to be knocked on the head and told to 'get over it'.

I hope you find more sympathetic souls to talk to when you reach out for help.

Edit 2 - feel free to drop in here for support also -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Answer 8

If you were adopted as baby your issues aren't from that they are just your issues. I am adopted and am so tired of people using that as an excuse for everything that is wrong with their life. People from all walks of life have issues adopted or not it's all in how you handle them. I was abused before I was adopted but I don't use that for an excuse for my problems today. If you think you have a problem then go and talk to someone. I'm not saying your issues aren't real I'm just saying there are probably other reasons you have these issues and you need to figure them out. I am not hateful just truthful