How do you write to evoke certain feelings?

Question

I've been writing a story lately and I got to a part where the teenage male protagonist is at home and just killed a man who broke into the house at midnight. Then the male protagonist goes into a trance-like state after the killing. When he comes back to reality he sees his parents dead. Now here is the problem, I've been trying to make it seem really sad but it's just so hard for me and I need some feedback as well as advice so PLEASE ASSIST.

Here's what I've got down.

My father’s body was leaning up against the wall to my right and my mother was about an arm’s length away from him sprawled out on the floor, facing the ceiling.

“MOM!” I shouted, as I rushed to her side.

I fell to my knees and like a helpless infant I tried to shake both of them awake, but it was useless; their stone cold bodies remained lifeless. My gut told me there was nothing I could do to save them and my gut, unfortunately, was never wrong. Although, I knew there was at least one thing left for me to do, I laboriously hoisted my father’s massive figure onto my fragile teenage shoulders and placed him beside my mother. I made them hold hands, interlocking their fingers. I took a seat between them, precisely where their hands met, lifted both their hands to my lips, and with my head bowed in respect, I whispered “Goodbye.” A flurry of tears rushed to my eyes and my bottom lip began to quiver as soon as I said it, but I shut my eyelids tightly and bit down on my lip. One burning tear managed to escape and trickle down my face, elegantly causing the candle to hiss and extinguish.

Tell me what feelings it evokes now, if any, and please supply me with some pointers or something that can be used to make a reader feel any feeling. Thanks.

Answer 1

There was emotion, but mostly, it made me feel wistful. I dont know this guy's parents, I dont know how they died (though I'm sure you say so in the book, it's just not described here) and I dont know much about the kid.

To evoke emotion, remind readers why they should be sad. A flashback of a fun family moment (make it very, very brief)  or more panic from the boy would evoke more emotion. Drag it out.

Good luck...

Answer 2

     You must bear in mind that you're shocked beyond measure.  Obviously you loved your parents, so a whispered "goodbye" won't really cut it.

     "Mom?  Dad?"  I said uncertainly.  Then I rushed to them.

     "Mom!  Dad!"  I yelled, my world crashing in on me.  "You can't be dead."

     I shook them both gently at first, then roughly.

     "Wake up.  Oh, for God's sake, open your eyes.  The joke's gone far enough."

     Still no movement.  I felt for the pulses in their necks, but there was nothing.  They lay there, unseeing, unfeeling.  I was alone.

     Just an idea off the top of my head.  I know you can do a lot better, but perhaps it gives you an idea or two.

Good luck

Mike B

Answer 3

This sounds good! Are you on any writing sites? I'm on http://chapteread.com There might  be someone who can help with the emotions part. There are a lot of writers on there.  good luck.

Answer 4

You're telling instead of describing. Try using some sensory descriptors: have your character describe how the blood smelt: did it burn his throat, or lay thick and almost substantial on his tongue? Did the tears that appeared in his eyes cloud his vision, forming a temporary balm by blocking out the images, or did they just serve to amply the (blood if there is any) scene? Is his breathing harsh and loud against his ears? Does each exhale make his knees weak and his stomach feel hollow? Does each inhale burn its way down his throat and leave him with a sick feeling in his mouth?

These are the types of sensory details this piece of work needs.

Also, this isn't necessarily a part of your question but it's something I feel the need to address. I realize that the interlocking fingers scene was supposed to be super touching but it came across as trite and cheesy to me. I'd normally suggest taking it out all together but since I don't know what kind of story this is I'll just say that I think you should take out the whispered "goodbye" and head bowing thing. that's what makes it the most cheesy. He doesn't need to voice his goodbye for the reader to infer that he's doing so. You can instead have him describe what he's feeling (without sounding trite, mind you) instead of him actually speaking. This is first person, he doesn't need to hear himself talk.

Also-one tear can't extinguish a flame. It just can't. That also came off as cheesy.

I hope that helped

Answer 5

I think that's sad enough dude. But very nicely written, good job so far!

Answer 6

The only suggestion I can come up with, is to imagine some one wanting sympathy for what ever it is wrong or illegal that they have done,  then as you evoke the emotion, you create anger or a type of apathy making the person seem pathetic? To evoke emotion, if you can create anger would it help?

Or creating a natural turn of events yet the character does not make the typical decision, so the reader is saying some thing like "What are you waiting for?"

Good Luck...I hope I have helped

When you figure it out, please let me know.

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Answer 7

Try to use more emotional versions of the words you already have.  Like "shouted" just means making a loud sound, but "screamed," and "cried" are more emotional.

Cut out things like "precisely."  Your character is distraught, precision wouldn't matter; it's too much to think about.  "Respect" is also too thoughtful for this.  He would bow his head to cry because of his pain, not because he's honoring his parents' memory.  

"Began to quiver" could just be "quivered" too.  My lips would quiver the instant I realized what had happened, not just when I reached that part of the narration.  And the "began" distracts from the emotion.

The same with "managed to" before "escaped."  

So, uh, yeah.  I think what you need to do here is A) use the most painful, heart-wrenching synonyms you can find and B) eliminate unnecessary phrasings that distract from the emotion of the piece.  Simplicity and honesty will be your greatest companions here.  

Answer 8

You have too many "I" 's in here.  If writing in first person just say for instance "a burning tear fell down my face" or "whispering goodbye, head bowed, hands meeting and lifting bother hands to my lips..this is more interesting.

Get Janet Burroways book, it's expensive but worth it.