How does a birth mother approach her birth son when hes 18 if he never knew he was adopted???

Question

First answerer,you assuming that this was a legal open/closed adoption.It was niether.It was illegally done but one can not turn back the clock.What would YOU do? 17+ years of misery for one birth mother now 51 years old. Answer me : WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Answer 1

If she is a person with morals and ethics, she does not.  

Answer 2

I would contact his parents and talk to them. They will tell him he is adopted then you can talk to him

Answer 3

She doesn't....He has a family. just let him be happy instead of opening up a whole load of things that will probably do far more harm than good to the child.

Answer 4

I will try to answer later.

I know one case of a young woman who sought her mother...but different story.

Answer 5

Let the child be. My half sisters mom contacted her on her 18th birthday she never had talked to or met her mother and she had a nervous breakdown when this happened even though she knew my mother had adopted her. let the kid be.

Answer 6

I would contact the parents first. But if the child does not know he is adopted, then he needs to be left alone.  I'm sure he will eventually find out, but until then don't turn his world upside down just because mom may need some closure.

Answer 7

If I did not know I was adopted and a woman walked up to me and said "I'm your mother, you were adopted" I would be totally ticked off for several reasons.  First, it should be up to my parents to tell me and if they did not that is their right, if I never knew then I would not know anything, it would be extremely sad though if I was never told.  Second, the birth mother gave up her rights and by approaching me that would invade my privacy, it would be selfish of her and extremely rude.  

The best advice I could give you is that you should not approach the child.  You should contact the birth parents and talk with them, there needs to be open communication and understanding before the son is ever brought into the picture.

Answer 8

Ugh!  I can't believe the lack of understanding going on here.  Your wife's son's a-parents are at BEST liars.  They are, potentially, much worse.  They may be (if they are aware that his 'availability' for adoption was against his mother's/your wife's wishes) co-kidnappers.  It is ABSOLUTELY NOT their 'right' to deny YOUR WIFE'S son access to his own truth, his own identity, knowledge of his history.  The only possible motivation I can guess at is that they wish to conceal their own bad behavior -- whether it be wrong (lying) or criminal (kidnapping).

I hate to use fiction for purposes dealing with real people, but this came to mind when I read the question (and some of the responses).  Have you ever seen the movie "The Mask of Zorro"?  Or the movie "The Count of Monte Cristo"?  In each of them, a character learns as an adult that the 'parent' that raised them is not their own, natural parent.  I think (for the most part) they do a fairly good job of representing the conflict a person feels upon learning such a shocking truth -- one long withheld by a person they had come to trust.

I am an adoptee with 4 parents (2 natural, 2 adopted) who ALL chose to be honest about my birth/life/existence.  As a result, I am reunited with my natural parents and maintain a healthy, loving relationship with my adoptive parents.  I also, thanks to my natural parents' honesty, have relationships with my bio-siblings and their families.  They have all known about me for a very long time.

I don't know what advice to give regarding letting the son know.  I agree with LaurieDB, he should be allowed some time to process it on his own and without pressure.  I also feel he should be allowed to decide how it proceeds thereafter.  I ABSOLUTELY do believe, regardless, that he needs to know the truth -- sooner rather than later.

Please do an internet search (Google, or similar) on the term "late discovery adoptee" to see what those who have 'been there' have to say about it and to find resources or suggestions that might help.

Best of luck to you!  I'm sorry for all the nay-sayers here.  I have no way of knowing for sure, of course, but I'm left puzzled as to what -- if any -- their connection to adoption might be at all.

Take care!

Answer 9

I'm hoping that she won't.  If the parents of the adopted child chose to not tell the child, then the birth mother should respect that choice.  If the birth mother would really like to meet her 18 year old son, then she should first check in with the parents of the adopted child and try to get their approval.  If they do not approve, then she needs to respect that, and live with the consequences of her original choice.  It's hard, but making the wrong choice her could end up being even more difficult for everyone.

Edited to respond to asker's edit:

An illegal adoption?  Was the child stolen from the birth mother?  Did the mother choose to give the child up, or not?  We are, naturally, assuming the mother made a choice to give up the child.  If that's not correct, please let us know.  As for "lying" to the child - I respect the rights of the people who raised the child.  I'm considering the feelings of the child.  It is a lie by omission - but it is, in many cases, a kind lie.  I don't have the details I would need to form a real opinion as to the character of the child, and those of the people who raised the child - and so I won't judge them (unlike several others here).

A later addition:

I am saddened by the number of people responding making huge life changing assumptions about the situation.  We know VERY little about what's going on - this may not be like the situation you were in.  Have some REAL compassion for all involved, and try to limit your certainty to things you actually know something about.

Answer 10

i would simply approach him.

h**l, let the aparents deal with the fallout.  after all, they are the ones who lied to him in the first place.

people need to stop demonizing all fmothers and praising all adoptive parents. not all "birthmothers" relinquished willingly; and not all aparents are ethical, nor act in the "child's best interest". there are no absolutes in life.

good luck to her...

Answer 11

I would first try to speak to the aparents (or relatives) and inform them what you plan to do and give them the chance to make things right by telling the truth.

When I searched and found my daughter, I'm embarrassed to say that it didn't even cross my mind that she wouldn't know she was adopted. I wrote her a letter explaining that I was looking for someone who was born Jan xx 1972 in bxxxxxxx CA and asked if she could be that person and if she was, would she please contact me. I didn't say I was looking for my birthdaugher. She called me a couple of weeks later and the rest is history.

Answer 12

This isn't an unusual circumstance.

Fortunately today many Ap's can't hide the adoption from the child especially when they are of a different ethnicity.

I would find a private place with the child and tell them everything then give them their space. I would get evidence to back it up and make sure this child felt they could trust you. I would let them know that his Ap's were the unethical and immoral ones in this situation.  

I wouldn't give the Ap's the opportunity to come up with mores lies to cover their lies.    

Either way this child is going to be devastated. He/She should have grown up knowing the truth. I would hope this child wouldn't associate with the Ap's again.  

Answer 13

Well as someone that's adopted, if he don't know try to talk to the parents about telling him, but dint push it. Do NOT confront him. You might do more damage than good. If the adopted parents choose not to its best to leave it alone. You have to think whats best for the boy and its the parents place to tell him b/c coming from you he might resent you and his adopted parents and turn his whole life upside down. What ever is best for him. Also what was the agreement when you put him up for adoption?

Answer 14

I would contact the adopted parent ask if it was okay if you saw him. Since hes 18 you don't need there permission to see him, and ask them if they told him he was adopted and tell them you just want to see him and talk to him, and if they would like he can be in the room too.Also if it was Illegally done then that is consider kidnapping.

Answer 15

I'd write a letter, send it certified and tell him. He deserves to know. Include a picture.

:)

The answer really depends on if you've tried contacting the aparents or not. If she has, and they have said that he doesn't know he's adopted, then it gets tricky. You can give them an ultimatum and tell them to tell him, or else you will when he's 18. Or you can just dodge them for the rest of the months and write him when he's 18 and tell him. i'd do the second, because if they haven't told him by NOW, they are capable of telling him anything to make themselves look good.

Tell him she's been waiting for this day, doesn't know how to break the news but is his mother who was involved in an illegal adoption and wants to know her child is safe and that she's always loved him and is available to talk when he is ready.

thats what I'd do anyways.

Answer 16

I wonder if javelinco's prospective contacts have to get permission from his parents before they can contact him.  At 18, your wife's adult child is allowed to enjoy the free association granted citizens in our nation.  Unless he and/or your wife have restraining orders against them, they are free to make contact with others in society without parental permission.  Further, the sins (dishonesty) of the (adoptive) parents should not fall upon the son.  He should not be denied the truth simply because his aparents chose to be dishonest.  I cannot believe the number of people here who feel that it's the RIGHT of the aparents to lie, and continue to carry on with a lie.  My goodness, this is this young man's own truth they are hiding from him!  

Unfortunately, this scenario has set up a very difficult situation.  You mentioned in your other question that you and your wife talked with his aunt and uncle, which is how you found out he doesn't know about his own adoption.  I wonder, however, if the aunt and uncle went ahead and told the son about talking with you and your wife?  Perhaps they know and this will prompt them to finally do the right thing and tell him his own truth.

At this point, though, you can only safely assume that he still doesn't know.  Unfortunately, a stranger approaching a young person with such news may end up being the one to get the brunt of the confusion and anger.   You may have to end up contacting the aparents first -- not for permission, mind you -- but to let them know your intention and ask that they be the ones to do what should have been done in the first place.  It will be a lot easier coming from the people with whom he has a long term, familial relationship.  This would be a measure taken to help make it easier for the son.

If his aparents refuse to do be honest with him, then the approach will have to be very, very gentle and low key, where he's not put on the spot.  A card, for example, would allow him the opportunity to process on his own.

Answer 17

First I'd contact the adoptive parents and ask them why they never told him he was adopted. That is SO wrong. But do this gently... If they agree to tell him, and give you the go-ahead to contact him, then that would be the way to go.

If not, and you try approaching this young man and let him know he was adopted, he might resent you, or worse not believe you, and wouldn't speak to you. It's super touchy.

Answer 18

If he is a legal adult, you have every right to contact him directly.  

In fact, given that his adoptive parents not only adopted him illegally but also made him grow up under the lie that he was no adopted, I would not trust them and in fact they have no legal claim to him.   This is an indication that they likely abused him in other ways as well.

I would contact him myself and tell him "Dear _____, I know that this must come as a bit of a shock, but I am your natural mother and I lost you to adoption 18 years ago.  If you wish the details of your adoption, I would be happy to provide them.  But please know that I loved you and wanted to keep you and never wanted to lose you so do not think you were unloved or unwanted."

Whatever you do, do NOT contact the "adoptive" parents.  He is a legal adult and does not "belong" to them as a minor would.  He can make his own decisions and any reunion is a event that concerns only the two of you and NOT them.  It is about the relationship between you and your son, as you two were the ones with the original relationship who were separated.

I contacted my son when he became a legal adult and everything has worked out well. He is back in my life and I adopted him back a few years after our reunion.

Go slow with building and restoring your mother-son relationship.  Try to let him set the pace.  Most of all, reassure him that you NEVER wanted to lose him, as many adoptees are very angry at their natural mothers for "abandoning" them.

Also read Nancy Verrier's book "The Primal Wound" for what issues he might have grown up with due to adoption.

Answer 19

As adults we have the freedom to associate with whomever we choose.

Adoption created a situation where she lost the right to parent him.   However, nobody ever relinquishes the right to know their kin as ADULTS - society treats adoptees as perpetual children.  Get a clue people! Adoptees are just as capable of conducting their own ADULT relationships as the non-adopted (gasp! who'd have thought it!) LOL

I'm so sorry you are getting so many anti-birthmother answers here - whatever happened the 'goddess' who made the selfless loving 'choice'?  which is it people pfffft!  people have no clue.

As an adoptee I can say that if the young man is astute and in touch with his feelings he will have at least an inckling that all is not quite right and the truth will probably come as some relief in fact!   I've heard this so many times from late discovery adoptees - that they've always suspected something and to know the truth was a blessing.

As to how to approach I would say directly (everyone is all growed up after all! despite people insisting an adult man should still be under the 'thumb' of his dishonest parents)  btw I totally and entirely disagree with the person who said this is a 'kind lie' - it's cruel and harmful.

Anyway, directly and gently and armed with plenty of information on late discovery - there are so many sources of support from people who have been in his unfortunate position before and he should know that he is not alone.

I was also stolen from my mother (not by my adoptive parents btw - they had no clue).  People just don't understand the trickery and unethical ways used to obtain a baby.   I know you have a thick skin so just bounce them off and thank you so much for supporting this mother who has been through years of agony and grief.   She deserves to see her son's face, to hear his voice and to hold him tight after all these years.  Let her know that this is between a mother and her son and nobody else so people can spout their cruel and hurtful words, but only they know what is in their hearts; so the fools don't matter.

The best folks to ask this question to are people who've been through it:

http://www.latediscovery.org/

Hugs to that Momma

Answer 20

Some wonderful advice from some very smart adoptees here. (LaurieDB, BOTZ, HeatherB)

Ignore those that say to contact his adopters.

They have shown, through the illegal adoption process they took, that they can not be trusted, and obviously only have their own best interests at heart.

Any parent that has the best interests of their child - would never lie to their child for 18 years. Let alone separate mother from child like they did. (illegal adoption people - the adopters ARE the evil people in this case)

Find out how you can contact him - via mail preferably - where the adopters can't intercept his mail.

Write a short letter - introducing/brief explanation - and add a couple of photocopies of some 'proof'.

Advise that you have many more documents - but understand that he may need some time to process.

Add contact details.

And hope for the best.

If they have been lying to him all this time - his trust for ANYONE will be completely shattered for a very long time.

That is NOT your/his first mothers fault.

You will most likely be in for a rough ride.

But you ARE doing the right thing.

Fingers crossed here.

Answer 21

She doesn't....Unless there is some EXTREMELY urgent life threatening medical information that he needs to know and then I would try approaching the parents who raised him.  There is no benefit to anybody for her to invade his life. She made her choice so let him be!   BTW..I was adopted.

Answer 22

I would contact the parents.  If they were willing to facilitate the exchange, then fine.  If they decline then I would leave it alone.

As a parent, I only want what is best for my child.  That goes for biological and adoptive parents.

If the child does not know then it would not be in HIS best interest for a stranger to tell him.  

Answer 23

Even though she is the birth mother, she gave up her rights to the child. If the child's adoptive parents chose not to tell him, there isn't much you can do about it. It would be EXTREMELY inappropriate for the birth mother to approach him with that information.  

Answer 24

It’s a tough situation. I agree the young mans parents should have told him he was adopted that said it a parent(s) choice.

I would have the birthmother contact the parents tell them that if they don’t tell their son he is adopted she will contact him once he is 18.  It really should come from them and not some stranger that just calls up on the phone or writers a letter.