How does a new mother balance having a newborn and a 20 month old? ?

Question

Since we have adopted BOTH children and have only had our 20 month old for four months and our newborn for a few weeks I am having a really difficult time trying to balance my time between the two of them. I feel so guilty for taking on a newborn when we have only had our daughter in our lives for a few months. She has bonded and there are no issues there- just my issues of guilt I guess. Both of them need my attention and love and my 20 month old looks heartbroken when I have to put her down to take care of my newborn. HELP!!!

Answer 1

You do it with laughter and love!  CONGRATS on both of your new additions!!  Let your 20month old help you.  Have her "help" pick out clothes, get wipes, pick out books for story time!  I promise you will find your groove and will look back at this time and just shake your head laughing.  When baby takes a nap, sit down with your oldest and read or dance...anything that gives her your entire attention!!  

Answer 2

My daughters are 19 months and 1 day apart, so I know what you're going through. They both need attention. Being that you have a newborn, you have to keep extra watch over her/him. I know it's hard, but try to get your 20 month old to help. Tell her she's the big sissy, so she has to help mommy.

Answer 3

have her help you with the baby.   I had a 21 month old and a newborn at the same time.  she also liked to be in my lap as I fed or held the baby.  It was like I was holding her and she was holding the baby but I was really holding both at the same time.  Make sure the 20 month old is involved so she doesn't feel left out

Answer 4

Although your situation isn't the norm because of the adoptions...you just learn to balance them both.  I have a 2 year old daughter and 4 month old son.  Yes at times it is very difficult and I feel myself spread thin.  But I find the best thing to do is tell my older child that I will play with her or spend time with her when the baby is sleeping...and then I do.  I still talk with her and am silly with her when I am feeding the baby or changing his diaper...this helps too.  I also allow her to help.  Like today I had her help me make her brother's bottle and shake it up.  She loved it.  Then I had her help feed him.  It made her feel like she was a part of it rather than me feeling like I am brushing her off when I have to take care of the baby.  Unfortunately it is a hard reality for an older sibling to learn...they have to share their time with mom.  It is just the way it is.  Just give your older child lots of kisses and hugs and as much positive reinforcement as you can give.  It will all work out. Congratulations on your children.

Answer 5

guilt will eat you alive.  but very little you can do about it except know your doing the best you can.  try not to make things the newborns fault, like tell the 20 mo old that the baby needs you to feed him/her.  maybe say instead that "i have to feed the baby now".  and ask the older one if she wants to watch, or get a bottle, or something to be a part of it instead of excluded from it.  I have 4 children, ages 6, 4, 2 1/2, & 8 mos.  they are all very close together & you just make it work as best as you can.  it's really too early to expect yourself to have a routine.  but you will find one.  hope you don't have to work outside the home, that can be a little crazy sometimes.  at least it would be for me.  good luck to you.

Answer 6

Don't feel bad. It's wonderful that you decided to adopt two children. The only thing that I can really think of is to take advantage of all time you have with each of them. If one is taking a nap, take a little play time with the other. Ask your husband to stay home with one while you go do something with the other. Even just going to the grocery store with one can bring you two together. Every mother feels that she is neglecting a child if she spends too much time with one, just don't worry, you will have more than enough time in the future to spend quality time with them.

Answer 7

Rememer, your older child, if well bonded (and it sounds like she is), is on your side.  She's your buddy, your partner.  You & she have an understanding.  Trust her to know that you love her.  She does.  

Now, that doesn't mean she won't feel bad, or sometimes act like a 2-yo when she can't have what she wants right away.  That's OK.  She *is* a two year old (almost).  At times like that, compromise as best you can, so she knows that you understand.  

My son was 21 months old when his little sister was born.  There were lots of times when we would be together while *we* were taking care of the baby.  Or, when that wasn't enough for him, when he didn't want to be mom's helper, but wanted mom to help him, instead, I'd try to find ways to give them both what they needed at the same time.  I'd have my son sit beside me on the couch, for example, watching a movie or reading a book, while I fed the baby.  

And, sometimes, that doesn't work, either.  So, over time, you find out what soothes your baby, what keeps him happy & calm, temporarily, so that you can give your older child what she needs.  Something like a swing, a pacifier, a bouncy chair, a sling (my little one loved riding along in the sling as I did things with her older brother).  

All in all, know that you are doing the best you can for both of them - your confidence in your love & care for them will help them to see that it's true, too.  They will feel it in their hearts.  And, eventually, you will find out what works to keep your family in balance.  

Answer 8

Have her be involved as much as she can. When you are giving the newborn a bottle, have they other one sit beside you and read her a book. If you are changing a diaper have her help give you one or pull out the diaper wipes. Also when the newborn sleeps make a big deal of it being hers and your time. If that still doesn't help your guilt. Take your 20 month old out one night a week for some one and one time no newborn or newborn talk. You can go get ice cream, go to the local pool for a swim, or to the library to pick out new books, or just to the park for some fun time together. Good luck to you.  

Answer 9

i have 2 kids that are only 15 months apart and it is hard just try to get her as much involved with helping you with the baby it will make her feel big and she will enjoy it like get her to throw the diaper away or get you a baby wipe just little thing and it will also let you spend time with both of them at the same time. but you also will want some one on one time with them just when one is napping play games or dolls or something with the other. i know how hard it can be at first but after a while you get used to it and it just becomes second nature. concrats on adopting 2 kids.