How does a past abuser deal with guilt? If he (or she) has begged his victim for forgiveness and ...?

Question

... acknowledged all wrongdoing, how does he live with what he has done? For the abuser who recognizes what he has done, it's more than just about physically hurting someone. It's guilt over the mental damage too. Owning up to it has been done. Confession has occurred but not helped. This former abuser is in pain over what he did daily. He might eventually kill himself or suffer a brain aneurysm from the stress. If he can't seek professional help, how can he help himself? No religious responses please.

Answer 1

He should figure out why he did what he did. Once he understands that a little more, he should accept that what's done is done, and take comfort in the knowledge that he CAN change.

When people mess up, sometimes the damage is unrepairable. Feeling remorse is good, it means he's changing, and can no longer compare himself to the person who abused. He's a new person, and you shouldn't feel guilt for something that you wouldn't do. Forgive. Even if he can't forget, he needs to forgive.

Answer 2

Forgiveness is giving up the right to punish.

Confessions don't work if you're still blaming yourself and/or hold onto the need to be punished. (Don't forget the meaning of forgiveness).

There's no such thing as a former abuser. This is something that needs constant work. Work on yourself and put your energies into getting better and being a better person.

Guilt isn't doing a thing for you but holding you back, allowing you to blame yourself, and keep you down.

Forgiveness and life is looking up! If the abused can forgive you, surely, you can forgive yourself. Stop the punishment.

Answer 3

First they must give up all drugs like alcohol and smoking. Drugs suppress symptoms and pain. Any drunk can feel remorse. They can do fasting. Page below on fasting has quotes from 19 MDs, but only 1 rabbi. Plus see page on happiness which talks about yoga and meditation. Also they can do hard exercise as non-religious penitence. For more on that see page on advice for teens and cutting.

Jesus and Moses fasted but so did Aristotle,  Hippocrates and Pythagoras who created the Pythagorean theory with triangles. Mahatma (great soul) Gandhi regretted beating his wife but was loved by millions of people.

Answer 4

No one is perfect in life, and I think the abuser needs to forgive himself... focus on doing good, volunteering, helping with charities, or organizations related to the abuse he inflicted.

I'm assuming you didn't kill anyone? You can also tell yourself... there are murderers out there, and people who DO NOT care. You DO care, so though you feel emence guilt, you are now a decent person, and can not change the past. Only what you do now.

So... I suggest, maybe talking to a therapist (to get your feelings out, which may help with the stress) and helping people somehow... by donating your time, or money, or experience even... (like tell people what you've been through, how it affected your life. Educate them on the signs of going down a bad road... how they can get help before they start doing things they'll regret)

I really hope I helped!

~ Jen

Answer 5

Most everyone has written really good stuff.  I'll just add... find a way to get into counseling.  Therapists do sliding scale.  There is your local mental health dept.  You have options and it sounds like a need.  Don't turn your back on something that could help you heal.  That'd just be more punishing.

Answer 6

Once you have apologised start to act differently.  If you are really embarassed about what you did in the past you would act the opposite of how you acted before and ensure that not only do you not hurt the victim again, but everyone else around you.  

Work on replacing and removing any defects of your character and practice performing the opposite of them.  Admit both to yourself and the other person when you are wrong.

Dont become too attached to the thoughts that lead you into doing something negative.  Instead stop those thoughts when they arise and say to yourself, "These are only thoughts they are not who I am."

Make goals and keep moving towards realising your goals.

Answer 7

You know what, every one of us has had things we have done that hurt every time we even think about it, I sometimes think  that it is meant to be that way so we are reminded by the pain and suffering to make sure we do not regress to, and fall back into our old ways, every action has a reaction, and there is usually a balance or a reason that things happen, if this gentleman cannot live with what he has done he can get professional help thru therapy, if he cannot do that then I would say that he has to try and make the best of it, time does not always take away pain but it will dull it to where eventually maybe he can live with it, if not, then he may end up killing himself, at this point, I would say that there are some things we can change, some we cannot . I was molested as a 7 yr. old girl by a step grandfather, and it basically ruined my life as far as trust, had a lot of pain and anger as an adult, things happen, and he was in the wrong and probably ruined a persons life, it is over, done with, he has changed, he needs to just live his life the best he can, I would say if he gets out and does charity work, does good deeds, and tries to help others that that would be some pentance and some relief for him, might be worth a try. Good luck to him.  

Answer 8

Since God is not an answer, I guess he has to live with it until he just does not care anymore or gives up and gives in and returns to his old ways

Answer 9

If the abuser hurt children, then the abuser should live in guilt, pain, and suffer for the rest of his life.   Actually, he should turn himself into the prison system and let the prisoners take care of him.

Your actions probably caused the child life-long suffering....so why should you be free?