How does being adopted affect your own children?

Question

Just wondering, for adoptees with kids, how our own kids are affected...medical issues, social etc...If you are reunited are they close to their bio grandparents? IF not reunited are they curious? My own kids think I'm mysterious :) As a result, they would like for me to search.

Answer 1

I'm an adoptee with two children, and I have not told them that I am adopted.  In my opinion, there is no reason to give them that information.  My adoptive parents are their grandparents---the only ones that they know and will ever know.  I think they are way too young to understand adoption and all the details that go with it.  I have not searched for my birth mother, and although curious, I probably won't search in the future.  My only regret with that is not knowing my health history.

Answer 2

Why does it matter to children of adoptees to have be told "mom was adopted when she was little" or "dad was adopted"? It doesn't.

Answer 3

I have been in reunion for a year and my older son who is almost seven is very confused by my firstmom's appearance in our lives.  He knew I was adopted but he was really too young to understand what that meant until I found her.

He was slow to warm up to her on their first meeting, "I'm getting used to her." he would say.

He likes her but he doesn't understand where she's been all these years and when we try to explain it to him gently he is incredulous.

"What do you mean she had you but she put you up for adoption? You mean she gave you away?!!!!"

We have tried to be diplomatic about it but he gets very defensive of me.  He doesn't like it.  Any of it.  He just doesn't really understand the concept of giving away a child.

We try to answer his questions honestly when he asks them but he hasn't asked any lately and to be honest, we have pretty limited contact with my first family at the moment anyway.

My little one is too young to understand anything about adoption so he just thinks they are these nice new people in his life who bring him presents (and that is a whole other story).

I hope this answers your question.  It really is a tricky subject to explain to young children.  I am interested to hear how other people have handled it.

Answer 4

I met my birth mother in 1983, when my daughter was 7. She was happy to meet this new person in our lives. She didn't seem too confused or concerned about my being adopted.

At the time, I had been estranged from my adoptive parents for several years (they tried to force me to relinquish my daughter after her father & I divorced).  My birth mother, a 1/2 sister & 1/2 brother attended my wedding that same year.  I reconnected with my adoptive parents after finding her (& because of finding her, really).  

I met my birth father in 1986, just a couple of weeks after my 8 month old had a severe seizure that required hospitalization. I'm grateful to have the medical history because of my son's medical issues.  My daughter calls them grandma & grandpa, adding their first names.  

Both biological parents have passed away. So did my dad.  I haven't had contact with my adopted mom since my dad died.  Sadly, my a.parents never really bonded with my kids.  

Our family feels pretty much like it starts with me & my husband, now.  We have his parents, too.  I think because I was adopted, I have a more open idea about what makes a family.  My daughter is very much this way.  Her step sister & brother are as much a part of her family as I am.  And they will always be a part of her family.  

My daughter called me a couple of weeks ago to ask me if we had a family history of - - - , in reference to my granddaughter.  It's beyond great to be able to answer her questions and now provide my grandchildren with a medical history!

Answer 5

My adopted daughter has two children and they know she was adopted and the story of her adoption.  They are both boys as were my two birth children when she was adopted.  So they keep asking her when they are going to adopt a little sister.  When she fills out medical history info she puts her own medical history on there and nothing else.  Luckily, her children are healthy and happy and she leaves it at that.

Answer 6

My children know that I am adopted, but they're still young enough not to really understand that fully.  Since they are so young, I am reluctant to explain too much.  I don't want them to get the idea that parents give away their children or that someone might come and get them.

Luckily, I figured out that my bdad with whom I did have some brief contact was not such a nice man before ever introducing him or even the idea of him to my children.  Just to make sure, I did add a codicil to my will expressly stating my wish that certain members of my bfamily should never, ever be granted access to my children.  

There are some genetically transferred illnesses in my family history.  Happily my kids and I enjoy good health.  My kids will have kids some day, so that information will continue to be relevant.

Answer 7

i live with an adopted girl. shes 27, mentally unstable, has no social skills, hates her parents, oh and she has to wear hearing aids, shes not to smart, clumbsy, not a quick thinker, somewhat retarded. plays games & heaps more. she knows her bio mum, she despises her and her bio family

Answer 8

My daughters are 3 and 6 and right now we're struggling to explain things to my 6 year old. My husband recently located his birth mother and we were talking about her one night. My husband is confused and doesn't understand why someone would ever give up their children. He asked me if there was any reason I could think of that would make me want to give up either of our girls. Well my daughter must have over heard us and when she was getting punished she asked me if I didn't love her why I didn't just give her up. Well let me tell you what!! It near broke my heart, not only did my little girl think that I didn't love her, but we had to explain to her what we were talking about that night. She never knew that my husband was adopted and it was hard to even explain it to her. I have no idea where we;ll be going from here!!

Answer 9

My oldest is 5, and I have been in reunion for 20 years, so my children will never know the difference.

When I had my oldest, I asked my mother what she wanted to be called, and she picked "Grandmama".  That's what my kids call her.

They seem more mystified by the fact that she has no husband.  My daughter never met my natural father, and he died to years ago.  She worries that Grandmama is 'sad that her Daddy got dead'.

Obviously, the years ahead will be filled with lots of explanations...

Answer 10

It raises a lot of questions.

On my wife's side we have a lot of family, even a great-great grandmother.  So naturally, the kids are curious about my side.  As for the adoptive family, it's just me and my sister left.  So they want to know their biological relatives.  That said, I am not about to put my children in a reunion situation.  It is complicated and confusing.

I've told them, that when they are fourteen, I'll tell them everything I know.  It's there heritage too after all, and I have no right to keep it from them.  They have accepted this.

The sad thing is that I had a rich cultural-heritage from my adoptive family growing up, but its lost on my kids.  They automatically identify with my wife's.  Despite many attempts to teach them food and traditions, it does not stick.  They can sense falsehood in it (perhaps through me) and avoid it.

-Tobit

Answer 11

My older kids were bothered a great deal not knowing my ethnic background. Once I found my nfamily, they were very happy to have roots on my side. Also being able to answer medical questions has helped us  a lot. My kids call my ndad "grandpa j" and have had no problem accepting "new" family.

Answer 12

Nothing really except they don't even know who there grandparents are where were they from things like that it's like starting a whole new family. for example if you have a lot of yarn rolling in the floor and it gets cut by the scissor which in this case would be the grandparents you have to start a whole new piece which in this case would be the family.

Answer 13

Mine are very young, but they know they have more family out there someplace and ask when they will be able to meet them.

My five year old tells me on a regular basis how 'naughty the Judge in America' is for not letting Mummy know who her mother is

Thank heaven no medical issues have cropped up yet, but I hate the fact that they will have the same trouble as I have when handed family medical history forms at the doctors

This year, for the first time, we will be joining the St Patricks day celebrations and re-claiming our Irish roots.   I've never done that before but knowing my American birthparents were of Irish origin means alot to me, like I am really connected to humanity after all.  It just feels right and we are going to celebrate our heritage for the first time.

One day we hope to trace our history back from New York, to Ireland, I find it so fascinating and it is frustrating to be denied the freedom to study geneology the way other citizens are free to do - they can go nosing through all kinds of people's records, yet I cannot even get my own!!

Our family history is ours.  If I don't reclaim it within my lifetime, my children or childrens' children will - that's a given