How does my son explain to his 4 year old his mother wants a divorce?

Question

This has been a rocky marriage from the very beginning ( they married due to her getting pregnant. He didn't want his son to be a b*****d, which I admire him for that, she also had 3 children from a previous marriage. Anyway...he grew to love her and her children, but she grew to resent him for getting her pregnant and now 4 years later she wants out. He's very emotional over this, as is his son. I'd like to help, but I live 3000 miles away from them. Thank you for any info you can provide.

Answer 1

he explains it in four year old language: mommy loves you very much and she will always love you but she does not love daddy anymore......then explain who he will live with and that the other parent will see him all the time........plain and simple........i hope this helps you seem like a good grandma

Answer 2

Wow this story sounds familiar...we have a friend in a similar situation but his son is only 2 so can't be the same person...

Anyway, I wouldn't tell a four year old anything about the divorce. They are too young and wouldn't understand.  

Answer 3

If parents are having a really hard time explaining it to the child, I recommend finding a children's book on the topic. There are a huge selection of books out there for that age that can help them introduce the idea to the toddler and parents can then build their explanation from there.

At that age, children don't miss a trick, as parents are probably well aware. If they can, the woman and soon-to-be ex should sit with him and tell him together.

Give him options. Like he can pick out what he wants to leave at his father's place and should have a special space all his own in both homes.

It is a huge transition and transition can be destructive at such an age, so parents have to introduce the idea and then walk him through it.

Say the word "divorce" and explain the meaning. We don't ever recommend telling a child that the person is sleeping forever when someone dies. We tell adults to use the word "death". Same with divorce - don't' confuse him by using every other descriptor but the word divorce.

The father needs to show his emotions to his son and they should share those emotions of sadness together. The son knows his tell is feeling the pain with him so the child doesn't feel alone or isolated.

It would be good to set up a routine and make up that routine of phone calls and trips with the child involved. Get him a calendar to hang in his room. Set up speed dial for him and show him how to press that button to call his dad when he wants to. Those little things are so important because the child feels like he is participating in it somehow and has some level of control over it.

Get his older siblings involved to help him get in touch with his dad.

The siblings can play a major role in how this turns out.

I would tell the father to write the boy a letter as often as he possible can. Send care packages with simple things in them. Every way imaginable so the child really knows that his dad is thinking of him. The mother should get the child to do the same for his dad when it is possible.

Get the parents to live closer to one another. That is a such a ridiculous distance between parent and child. Once you have a child, that child is your life and thus you have to be close to where your life resides.

Oh, the boy will be clinging. He might experience some level of regression and cry more because of the change and loss. He can't be punished for this. This is normal for a drastic change of this kind. He needs to be supported all the way through and soon he resume acting his proper age.

Both parents have to agree upon. Any inconsistency because of the parents issues with each other with destroy the boy. They have to end their relationship well not just for their own sakes but for the boy. That is the least he deserves considering what he is losing. It is so unfair as such a young to lose a parent because of distance and divorce.  

Answer 4

He dosn't......He and his wife need to sit down and talk to the boy and let him know they are splitting up but that he will be OK and make sure he knows that it is OK that mom and dad are breaking up etc etc........He may not feel that way but to his son he needs to be that way for him!!!

Answer 5

I think he needs to assure the child that the separation and pending divorce are not his fault and that no matter what, his Mommy and Daddy will always love him.  He needs to try not to talk badly about his wife or her reasons for the divorce but to reassure his son that he will always be in his life and that his love for him will not lessen.  It is always difficult when parents divorce and it is confusing and frightening to a child.  Your son must spend as much time as he can with his child.  I am so sorry for all of them.  Having been divorced when my husband left me for another (and his 3 year old and l8 month old sons); I was determined to make it as good as it could be for my boys.  They are now adults and tell me how much they appreciated the fact that I allowed their Dad to see them whenever possible and that we didn't argue or belittle one another.  They had enough to deal with without more confusion and pressure.  Both of us have remarried and all of us get along very well. I believe that the civility that we showed one another helped to make it easier on the children.  I hope your son will be lucky enough to have that option.  

Answer 6

Your son should not tell his four year old that his mother is the one who wants the divorce.  He should tell him that mommy and daddy love him very much, but can't live together anymore.  Reassure that daddy will still be around and see him regularly and loves him very very much and that what is happening is in no way his fault.  It is so difficult for children when parents badmouth each other during a divorce.  Your son should work very hard to be the bigger person and not talk badly about his ex-wife in front of his son, she will always be his mother and he will always love her because she is his mother.