How does one know they will feel that parent connection with a child?

Question

I am not really worried about me. I love all children and immediately bond with most. My husband on the other hand is not so sure. He is just not into children as much as me. He swears when the child is his that he will love him/her, but we have been trying to have a baby for 2 years and have even tried IVF with no success. I want to consider adoption, but he is still against it. I think he is just afraid that he won't connect. How do I assure him and myself that he will?

Answer 1

I will tell you this. When my husband and I saw our baby for the 1st time ( she was 2 hours old), it was the single most powerful, emotional moment of our lives. We took one look at her, and felt instant bond and love. I looked right at her and said, I am your MOMMY! Once I said that, it was as if I gave birth. We tried for 7 years to conceive, with no luck. We were meant to be adoptive parents!! Good Luck!

Answer 2

I'll be honest, I don't think you can convince him.  Not everyone is going to connect with every child but it's also a legitimate fear/apprehension.  I wonder the same thing when thinking about a child/children come into our home.  But that's where we have the advantage of meeting the child or children several times before they come into our home (process through DSS).  Maybe whereever you go through may run the same way.

Answer 3

To be honest, how does a birth parent know they will connect with their birth child?

It takes time....my mother had 5 children and 5 very different relationships with each one...does she love each of us, yes.....would she die for any one of us YES......is she as bonded with each one of us no.......

I am an adoption social worker and it sounds like your husband needs to come to terms with the loss of a biological child (even though you never had one)....until he grieves that loss, he will not be ready to move on and he may wind up resenting the child you adopt (it happens all the time).

He needs to learn that an adopted child IS your child...the child of your heart instead of your womb....

I don't know your husband, but maybe he would be willing to meet with a social worker just to gather info.

Answer 4

it is truly amazing how you bond with a child who might not share the same genes as you & dh.

We had two biological sons & then adopted two daughters (sisters) and we also do foster care.

We love all of our kids as if they were all born into the family.  There's nothing we would do for any of them that we wouldn't do for the others...and there's nothing we wouldn't do that we would do for the others.  They're all my babies (not technically babies since they range from 9-17 years), though, and I lovve them all dearly!

What you can do with your dh...I don't know if you're a praying person...but here's my advice.  We were where you are a long time ago.  I quit bringing it up to dh (quit talking about it pretty much altogether) and started praying that God would either change his heart or mine...that He would instill in dh's heart a desire to adopt or that He would remove from my heart the desire to adopt.  Guess what?  A couple of years later, dh came around & he was the one who brought it up!  It was awesome!

Answer 5

You can't. It is something he has to see for himself. When I adopted my children, I was allowed in the labor room. My husband did not get to meet them for almost a week after they were born. I made sure he spent time with them. holding them and cuddling. Thats all you can do, and let nature take its course

Answer 6

You can't assure that or know that. The truth is that some people who adopt probably shouldn't have done so, because they have a hard time connecting to children in general, or can't get over their idea that the child they adopted isn't "their own".

That being said, ask your husband how he has ever made friends or fallen in love if biology is so important. After all, we don't usually marry blood relatives...he feels a connection to you doesn't he? A child is no different. You get to know them, and the act of parenting makes you a parent.

Answer 7

Sometimes a bio mother doesn't feel an immediate bond with her newborn and is surprised. Sometimes it just takes a while. Here is what you do if you don't feel it immediately--fake it. Honestly. Act as if you love the heck out of the kid. This serves 2 purposes. First, the child needs the love and will benefit from it a thousandfold. Second, by caring and loving this helpless little being you will come to love it without condition. Good luck.

Answer 8

Punxy Girl is right.  You fake it until you feel it.

I was fortunate to have immediaely bonded with my child the moment the lawyer placed him in my arms.  I was SO afraid that I wouldn't.  I had even practiced faking it.  Thank God I didin't need to.

Answer 9

When you see your child and you know it is yours it is love at first sight.

I don't know how to descibe it other than being captivated, immediately.

Your husband is having a normal fear...it will be okay.

Good luck

Answer 10

The best way is to have personal experience with experience and families and children.  Join an adoptive parents group in your area. It will be well worth your time and effort!

It's one thing to think about adoption, and quite another to experience it.  He will be able to see other families, other fathers, children etc.  He can talk to other parents about his concerns, or just observe.  Nothing teaches us more about ourselves than experience.

Become a part of this group and attend functions, go to workshops, and just take it all in slowly.  Give it some time and do not rush it!  Let him come to this on his own, and on his own time.  To push him would be a huge disservice to any child you may end up adopting.  And if this doesn't bring him to a resolution, foster a child.  He may be scared or he may need to see himself in the child.  If he's honest, it will be better for the child either way.

Good luck!

Answer 11

know one can say that will even bond with their own flesh and blood when its born. After all that little person is a stranger too. You love them of course and grow together as you bond and discover all their little wonderful traits and even their little naughty habits. I don't think its much different than adopting.Love doesnt always have to happen in your womb but it always starts from the heart. God bless and good luck

Answer 12

think about surrogacy, but i am an adopted child and i do not think 2 people could be as close as me and my dad