How does one pay respects to the deceased reletives?

Question

An uncle of the owner of my company has passed away. What is the protocal upon visiting the reletives here in the USA?

Answer 1

If you don't know your employer well, you might send a sympathy card to which you have handwritten in black or blue ink your own personal note; for example,

I am sorry to hear about your uncle's death.  I'll be thinking about you in the weeks ahead.  

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

You may also hand write a brief letter of condolence expressing in just a few sentences your sadness (a sample follows):

25 June 2008

Dear Mr. McCain,

Although I have never meet your uncle, I wanted to share with you my sympathy upon his death.  If I can help you in any way in the coming months, please don't hesitate letting me know.  My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.

Sincerely,

Hilary Clinton

In the days following your employer's uncle's death, if the occasion arises, you might also ask if there is anything you can do for him or her.  You could maybe even buy your boss a surprise cup of coffee and a donut if you think he or she will appreciate the gesture.

However, if you are a long-term acquaintance of your employer, you might wish to

a) attend the uncle's funeral

b) visit with your employer and his family during the Viewing Hours the night before the funeral

c) send a spray or flower arrangement, by calling the local florist

d) make a token gift to charity,

e) take a covered dish of food to your employer's house

f ) any of the above, for example, b & d or e, or a & c , d, or e

According to "Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette" (1978), "Unless the words 'Funeral private' appear in the death notice, any friend or acquaintance of the deceased or his family may attend the services."  Usually only close friends and family attend the burial, however.  [Ordinarily, it is customary for other cars to pull over and let the funeral procession have the right-of-way on the way to the cemetery.]

When sending flowers to the funeral, a plain white card or a dignified card perhaps suggested by the florist is attached with the name of the sender on a brief handwritten note in either blue or black ink; for example,

Deepest sympathy, George and Laura

If the death notice requests that friends "please omit flowers" or that the family wishes that donations be given to a charity instead in his memory, honor the family's wishes by giving a token gift to a charity (perhaps $25) that they have listed in the obituary or else to a charity of your choice.  Popular charities include, but are not limited to, the university or college the deceased attended, a scholarship fund, organizations like the American Cancer Society, the American Heart Association, and the local animal shelter.  Many Roman Catholics prefer to send mass cards to giving flowers.    If your employer is Catholic, a Rosary may also be scheduled the evening before the funeral.

If your employer is Jewish, depending on the closeness of your friendship, you may bring over some food and briefly visit a few days after his uncle's death.  

Of course, in all instances, no matter what your employer's faith and customs, a brief letter of condolence or a tasteful (and not overly sentimental) sympathy card is always appropriate.

Also, instead of flowers, depending upon your relationship with your boss, and particularly if you live in a small town or city, you might take a salad, some vegetables, some sandwiches, or a dessert to your employer's house.  

In most instances, nowadays, Protestant and Catholic families greets friends and well-wishers at the funeral home the evening before the funeral.  This gives acquaintances the option of

(a) attending either the "wake" or the funeral,

(b) attending both the "wake" and the funeral.  

Ordinarily, the funeral home provides a guess book to sign on both occasions.  "Amy Vanderbilt" recommends that this signature should be a formal one; for example,

Mr. and Mrs. Barack Obama

rather than

Michelle and Barack

During this time, which is usually a come and go occasion, the family greets well-wishers in a small parlor at the funeral home or sometimes at a church.  Usually, the body is also available for viewing.  A simple "I'm so sorry to hear about your uncle's death" is all you need to say when you go through the receiving line or mingle casually with your employer's family and friends.   Wear conservative, dark colored clothes to the funeral and the "wake", although what you wear to the "wake" may be more casual than what you would wear to a funeral.

Before the funeral service, an usher may ask you if you wish to see the body.  This is certainly optional particularly if you didn't know the uncle.  Close friends of the family usually sit near the front of the church or the funeral home while acquaintances sit towards the back.

In a church, the family enters last after everyone else is seated; (at the funeral home, they usually enter from a separate private entrance).  Make sure to get to the church or funeral home about 15 minutes before the funeral is scheduled because you don't want to arrive at the time the family is entering the church or room where the funeral is held.  

Also, if the funeral is Roman Catholic, Greek Orthodox, or Episcopalian, a Mass will offer Communion.  If you are not a member of the deceased faith, you will not partake of Communion, nor do you need to genuflex or kneel in prayer when the congregation does so.  You will need to sit down and stand when everyone else does so, however, whatever the faith of the deceased.

After the funeral, friends and acquaintances usually rise when the family and casket leave.  The audience also let the family leave before attempting to leave the funeral themselves.   At the cemetery, seating is limited and usually reserved only for family members unless one is elderly or infirm.   After the minister or priest presides over a short service and gives a closing prayer, you can very briefly express your sympathy, for example, "Jimmy and Roslyn, I'm so sorry about your loss."  

Finally, if you don't know what to do, there should be plenty of somber-looking funeral home employees that will be glad to help.

I've covered everything I can think of, and I've lived in the American South and the Intermountain West.  I'm also sure I've forgotten a few exceptions to every rule of funeral etiquette.

Answer 2

If you knew the uncle and his family, it is acceptable to visit the family to pay your respects.

If you did not know the uncle, and only have a working relationship with your boss, simply send a sympathy card to your boss.

If you did not know the uncle, but socialize with your boss outside of work, sending an arrangement of flowers to your bosses home would be acceptable and expected.