How does the opening to my story sound?

Question

When I had once been capable of dreaming, i would instantly be removed from this world- from this universe. My imagination ran wild. I could fly or breathe under water. I was free to do as I wished. I got away from my over-emotional mother. Away from Jessica, my irritating sister who felt the world owed her a favor. And away from the fact that I would never again see what small group of friends I had at Regis High School. I wanted it to stay that way; always dreaming never living in the harsh real world, only destined to get harsher the longer I stayed. Separated from all the people who were always trying to get the best of me.

give suggestions or your opinion. thanks

-Kara-

Answer 1

That's really good.  It's captivating and raises questions for the reader.  I like that Jessica is described as "feeling the world owed her a favor".  This is a great description and already we can imagine what she might be like.  This is much better than the mundane first lines most books these days are opening with.  Congratulations.

Answer 2

It's contrite.

There is nothing in it that would make me WANT to keep reading.  There is no hook, no conflict, no change.

You need to start a story with a hook.  Each story needs a conflict and resolution.

Start there.

Edited to add:

It should be 'their' meeting place and not 'there' meeting place.

Spelling and grammar is important when writing.  Nothing boots a reader out of a story faster than one that is rife with errors.

You asked what we thought about your story idea in another question but the start of this story reflects nothing of that idea.  You need a strong hook early in your story to get your readers to care about what happens next.

Answer 3

i like it, so mysterious and catches the readers attention in a snap this is like something that they rite on like the bak of the book wheere u c wat its about, every1 wod like to pik it up to read it. interesting character to u no, teen that is just not able to connect, needs space and a way to just get away. intresting

Answer 4

It's like you're trying to tell us all about her life without being so obvious about it, only you've failed miserably. She can't just lay her life out in the first paragraph. Spread the information out! I'd cut out the part about high school and her sister.

The beginning phrase does interest me, however. Good job.

Answer 5

It's really good!! I wanna read more!!! Good job. There's a star for ya.

=]

Can you help me out? It's easy peasy. It's about my characters (in my book): http://ca.answers.yahoo.com/question/ind... Smanx if you do. If you don't, that's ok, too.

Answer 6

w/o the synopsis no not really, it just sounds like one of those whiny "my life sucks and everyone hates me" stories BUT with the addition of the synopsis the only part that really captures my attention is the last line, the whole getting run over and waking up someplace wierd. other than that its not captivating to me personally.

please answer mine

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 7

I'd have to read more or a synopsis but so far it doesn't interest me.