How does this read? ?

Question

Here is a bit of my story i'm writing...just want to know if it's ok...constructive criticism welcome!

She was in her small secret room, studying for a geography test. It was 1 am, and was glad that no one could see her light on because she would surely be caught and punished severely for being up this late. She preferred night to day; she was more creative, and could do more at night. There was a little window, with the moonlight streaming in. suddenly there was no moonlight, it was blocked out. But she didn't notice the person staring at her through the window.....blocking out the light.....

Actually I finally did notice the person at my window (and please ignore the narrator, I can’t afford a better one. Ha!), as I turned around and saw this freak show staring at me. I barely caught a glimpse before he turned and ran off in the direction of the forest, outside my house, but I do remember his eyes. They appeared as if to glow in the dark, and but they were such a dark brown they almost blended in with his pupils. And his nose, it was really odd. I don’t know if it was a trick of the light, but he only had one nostril! Don't get me wrong, I was freaked; I was literally peeling myself off the ceiling. But I didn't scream. I’m not your I still don't know how he found that window.....it was well hidden. This was all fishy, and considered some thought, but I should get back to my study.

Oh, by the way, I'm Isabelle, Izzy for short and I'm in year 10. I have a weird family, they don't care that I lock myself in my bedroom, aka my secret room as soon as I get home; they only care is that I keep up my straight A’s. Dad's a scientist, Mum's a doctor and I think I have a sister, I don't really know. My observations tell me that there is a younger, yet larger person in this house that reminds me of me so yes, it would appear I have a sister. Well, I have a huge geography test tomorrow, which I've barely studied for. But anyway, I should pass, I'm a genius, even if I do say so myself. Mum's a brain surgeon, and Dad specialises in chemicals of some sort, (it’s such a vast field and I don’t want to endure a 3 hour education about what he does). So I got the luck of the draw with genetics.

what do you think?

Answer 1

That's pretty good, you have good use of English language.

I'm sure your family do care a great deal. Might sound strange but the fact you would be in trouble for being up late is a sign of that.  If you're naturally bright and gifted and spend a lot of time in your room studying, they probably assume you enjoy it.  Given they both must have studied hard to gain their own achievements, probably a good lead to follow.  A good education sets you up for life. Many children are not so priviledged.  Why don't you try suggesting a family day out sometime soon.

Answer 2

Too much telling, not enough showing.

You didn't say how old you are, but to me it reads like it's written by a ten year old.

It's rambling and unfocused and the description needs a lot of work. Focus on details, and using literary devices such as simile's and metaphors to enhance it.

You also need to work on developing your character's voice and making it stronger and more individual. As it is they come across as kind of flat and undeveloped.

Answer 3

yeah, i like it but maybe you need to cut out the first paragraph?

i dont know, i like writting and reading so hmmmm.....good start, makes me wanna know the story!...finish it!

Answer 4

good.. i want to know more...

need a tiny bit more detail for the feel when she realize someone was watching, and such!

very nice!

Answer 5

See where you wrote "Oh and by the way, I'm Isabelle", don't do it...

Well you may do it, but pulling it off is quite difficult. It's called breaking the fourth wall, and such an action can be quite confusing/dissorienting to the reader. If you wish to do it, start the story with it, not in the middle